Evening all,

Shelby it is nice to hear from you! I am glad you had a nice weekend with your ex and that things are progressing somewhat (are you happy with the way things are going?) You sound a little how I sounded when my ex first got back in touch with me, I knew the danger all too well and yet I still went ahead… and I guess in a sense I am still stuck in the ‘ahead’ now unable to make a decision. It’s so tough. Whatever happens, whatever you decide in the end, I hope it all works out exactly how it is meant to work out and that one day this will all make sense. Have you guys arranged to meet up again?

My PTSD is really kicking the sh*t out of me recently! It was a tough acknowledgement to accept in general but now this new person that I have become, I don’t like her. She is vulnerable, constantly sad, probably drinks too much, unkind, secluded, withdrawn, in complete autopilot mode, with no direction in life whatsoever. I’m finding it so hard to understand anything. I know were not meant to understand everything but I can’t understand anything at all. In all honesty I really do not see a way forward from this, ever. Some people with PTSD suffer for 30, 40, 50 years with no luck and I just think wow, I admire you because I can’t imagine that’s a life at all.. I don’t want a life like that.. I just don’t think I will ever learn to deal with this new me. I know it sounds really stupid and unrealistic but honestly now is the time for someone to grab my hand and just drag me along for a little while, say ‘don’t worry i’ve got us on this one’ and just let me not think about anything at all whilst stepping forward. Honestly I’ve run out of hope that I’ll ever get better.. I feel absolutely stuck, that is the best way of describing it. Everything is unsafe, every tiny detail is a trigger for me, everyone is out to hurt me. Honestly it’s really gotten to a point where I don’t see a way out and I just don’t know how I’ve managed to get myself here because only a year ago mental health and mental health problems were such a distant thought for me. Perhaps I am just weaker than most? I don’t know but whatever it is it has really messed me up.