Hi all,

Kkasxo, it sounds like you’re really finding it tough at the moment with anxiety and depression. They’re fear-based feelings that in turn create more fear by making you feel like you will always be this way. I don’t think you will. I feel you have a natural curiosity and a desire to seek more, be it knowledge or fulfillment or healing and I think those instincts will eventually win through, when you are ready. Small steps in the right direction. Like I’ve said before – control the controllable. So Michelle’s suggestion of working, eating, walking, exercising is something that can be a stable for you, no matter what happens. If you don’t end up with your ex, those things remain, when your family moves, those things remain. So they are constants, which you can start off with and build upon. Also, maybe suggest to your therapist that you would like to feel better, you’d like to actively improve your life. IF that is where you feel you are at right now. But a lot of people have said to me on this forum that you have to WANT your life to change, before you get the ability to change it and maybe you need more time.

Try getting back to the gym – even if you absolutely hate the idea – just set yourself a routine of doing it each evening or morning so that it just becomes habit and perhaps the endorphins will clear out a little bit of the mind and maybe help a little. I understand that you don’t feel safe now, no-one feels safe if they think there is immense pain on the way, and perhaps that’s what you’re trying to avoid. But you can tackle it, it doesn’t have to be a complete meltdown, you can work with your therapist and bit by bit break it down into manageable pieces.

Michelle,

I can’t say I’m romantically ‘back together’ with my ex to be honest. Yes we were romantic at the weekend, but I don’t necessarily assume that will continue. I see your point that I should not have so easily given into to spending an extra night away, however I was having such a wonderful time myself, I really wanted it to continue longer. I don’t know what I’m doing, he doesn’t know what he’s doing. There has been no contact for a couple of days and I don’t expect there to be any in the immediate future. Im trying to get through my week as best I can, still focusing on my course and meeting friends. I’m not slacking on that side and there has been no drop in my own personal commitments. I didn’t cancel anything at least that I had planned for last weekend to take up his offer and I don’t plan on doing that at any point to try and maintain some semblance of my own life and independence.

It’s hard because I love being with him and spending time together and I’m not naive I know I could easily get hurt again but the few people I’ve told have drilled it into me so much that it’s a mistake and that I’ll get hurt again, that I feel like the ONLY outcome now is heartbreak because of what everyone else keeps telling me that that’s what I’m facing, so now I feel like I’m simply waiting for the worst to happen now, when initially I was hopeful and happier. It is what it is I guess. I’m busy this week anyway, so as my therapist says that’s a good thing, just to keep going with my head down.

As for Vietnam, can I come there now please? It sounds beautiful and exotic and everything I crave in the world. I have always wanted to travel in that area so much, perhaps one day! Australia and NZ first anyway in the autumn. Im still planning to go ahead with that plan!

Kkasxo, here anytime for you, thank heavens for this forum. x