noted,

You have anxiety, depression, and derealization. You have been in a state of derealization for 5 years. I had to look up what derealization is. It is the alteration in the perception or experience of the external world so that it seems unreal. Other symptoms include feeling as though one’s environment is lacking in spontaneity, emotional coloring, and depth. It is a dissociative symptom of many conditions.

You grew up with an alcoholic narcissistic father who is verbally and emotionally abusive. You had to deal with mother who played a victim and had to be the mediator for her. You also had to listen to her complaints thus had to play counselor with her as well.
I’m so numb inside. I’m like a shell of a person.

It makes sense that you feel that way despite all the spiritual work you have done for yourself. By the way, good for you for doing that. That is self love.

I believe spiritual work does not take the place of healing psychologically. Those two can go hand-in-hand though. With your family background, you learned to protect yourself by numbing out. It is understandable to accept anyone’s love from your experience from your parents. The “love” they shown you was damaging rather than nurturing.

Find a therapist that will help you heal from the distorted upbringing that imprinted you on how you feel about yourself and how relationships work.

I believe that through relationships we can help grow and heal but I strongly advocate that you have a therapist that will help you along the way.

Mark