Dear Nanda:

You are welcome. Your older brother physically abused you, cooperated with your aunt in torturing you. And your mother “just watched it” and still to this very day, “she keeps silent most of the time”, she does videocalls with the aunt that tortured you, still spoils the brother who tortured you and she gossips about you.

This older brother visits your mother with whom you live, every day, and “seeing him everyday gives me goosebumps”- those goosebumps are automatic: you see him and your emotional memory of being tortured by him rises to the surface of your awareness and you get goosebumps. You living with your mother, and having your older brother and even your aunt in your life in some ways, keeps your abuse alive, because in some ways, it is still happening.

After you move out and live far away from them all, no contact with these individuals, the emotional experience will remain in your brain and it will get activated sometimes, causing you distress. But away from all your abusers, with no contact with them, will allow you to start healing.

In the meantime, your increasing  self awareness is a step in the right direction. It is awareness of ourselves and of  other people that makes healing possible. Reads to me that you see your mother as she really is, as well as your aunt and your older brother. This clarity that you have, this awareness of who they are, is very promising to me, as I think of your future healing. Keep at it and post here anytime!

anita