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Feeling hopeless in this heavily judgemental society and family

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This topic contains 17 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Michelle 3 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #286531

    Nanda
    Participant

    Hello, I’m Nanda, I’m a newbie here.

    I’m gonna share and asking for advice for my situation that happened to me right now.

    I’m a 21 years old man, just dropped out from favorite college in my country because of depression, jobless, hopeless, and live with my judgemental mom in toxic family.

    I was a smart and happy little boy before, won some science and art competitions when in elementary school, even though my family never proud of me or gave me support. And everything was getting worse when I started my middle school. My dad moved out into his second wife house, my mom getting scammed and have a lot of depts everywhere. They started to blamed me for anything that I didn’t know, they bullied me, called me stupid every day, got mad about my achievements, called me useless little crap, and the worst, they wish I dead soon so I didn’t waste their money, even my big brother tried to kill me by putting sword on my neck before I wake up. I never asked for something that I want that cost more expenses, I just asked for something I really needed that time. Only my sister supported me, because she knew what’s wrong with this family. I started getting depressed and anxious since then, I lost count of how much I tried to kill myself till now, my grade since grade 7 is getting worse. It affected my social life too, I worried about meeting new people, because I still have thought that they’ll be judge me and bully me like my family do.

    It was getting more worse when I started studying in university. Not to brag, I got full scholarship in a favorite university, but I should keep my GPA above 2.75, and I only get below it twice in a row. Everything was fine for couple of months, I didn’t live with that horrible family, but one night my auntie called me, she had someone to stalking me, and threatened me to tell everything to my mom and siblings, it was so scared that the fact I was not trully free, but I dare myself and said “just tell em, I haven’t done anything wrong”. I regret that, because she told everything bad that I didn’t do, and they believed it, except my sister. After that, my mom always called me at least twice a day, judged me, complaining about anything, being unsupportive, etc. If I didn’t answer, she texted me some dissapointed message that make no sense. It makes me more depressed and urge to kill myself is getting stronger.

    Everything getting darker since I didn’t pass the standard GPA at semester 4, because I got a “killer” professor that gave all the students d and E with no reason. My auntie knew it, and started spread fake news why I got bad grade to all people around my family’s neighborhood hand village. I didn’t know that till I came home for awhile, neighbors gave me bad look, store owner served me rudely, kids threw me with stone then runaway, and the worst thing is my childhood best friend came to me, slapped me, and called me faggot. I was crying all night long and asked my sister what just happened, and she told me that my auntie told everyone that I was not in college, but in a nightclub being a gigolo. I took a month for me and my sister to fix everything, and it was painful. I started developed PTSD that I didn’t wanna go out of my dorm room for good 4 months, and decided to drop out, because I can’t take it anymore.

    Now, my sister is married, my big brother too, that cruel auntie moved to other countries, and my dad just passed away 3 months ago. Only me, my mom and my lil brother with more another supportive auntie and uncle left around. I’m still in struggle, and still can’t go outside often.

    This is some of my horrible story. This is the only place I can share it.

    #286567

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nanda:

    When family becomes your enemy, what do you do?

    Same as one would do facing an enemy.

    Can you gather all your strength, all that is left from that “smart and happy little boy” that you were and move out and away from your mother and all those who cooperate with her?

    It will be difficult to do, and I am guessing you don’t want to move away from your supportive sister, but I don’t see any option for you. Do you?

    anita

    #286791

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Nanda,

    Yes, move! If you can move to your married sister or brother’s houses (away from your mom) that would be a wonderful start!

    It’s interesting that your aunt of all people cared enough to stalk and threaten you. Take it as a good sign: YOU were succeeding just by being in college and she felt so threatened by it that she psychologically “forced” you to go back home!

    Best,

    Inky

    #286865

    Nanda
    Participant

    Thank you so much for all the responses, I can’t believe someone would read my terrible story. Thank you.

    About moving out, I’ve already planned it. I even have plans to move to other countries. But now I have to cope with my depression, since I have no money, I can’t afford therapist no longer, and I still looking for job. Thanks for all the supports 🙂

    #286897

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nanda:

    You are welcome. I do hope you move away from your family, far away and make a way better life for yourself. Your “terrible story” can turn out to be a meaningful, interesting, and encouraging story for others to read one day, soon enough!

    Regarding your depression, it should dissipate once you live away from your hostile family. In the meantime, look for the company of those who do support you, your sister, and you are welcome to post here anytime you want to. I will be glad to reply to you whenever I read from you.

    * I will be away from the computer and back in about 24 hours from now.

    anita

    #286957

    Michelle
    Participant

    Hi Nanda, really sorry to read your story, it is terrible when the people who should support you the most are in fact the total opposite,  looking to sabotage your success at improving yourself, at escaping.   It never fails to amaze me what families will do when you threaten their choices by showing them a different way.

    I know you are in a tough spot right now but congratulate yourself on retaining that sense of identity that tells you things can be different, will be different.  Even without money, without a job, depending on what country you live in there are support systems and ways to be able to break free from this sooner than later. Reach out for help from every such source available.  If it is literally impossible to move out now, work on turning those plans into small, concrete steps that each day take you closer – is it possible to return to your favourite college to complete your degree? What is stopping you from that, can you retake the class with a different professor?  In the meantime, what are you doing to get out of the house each day, away from this toxic family environment? If not a paying job, have you looked into volunteering whilst job-searching? Are there are part-time jobs. Etc, anything that helps create a sense of moving forwards, of stepping towards your freedom will help with enduring your current situation. Well done on reaching out on this forum – it means you still have the desire to want different, hang on to it, it’s easy to lose it when bogged down by those around you.

    #287057

    Nanda
    Participant

    Hi Anita, Thank you for your kindness, and yes, I began to step away from my mother, even though I can’t move out yet because of financial problems, but from now I started to looking for job, both normal job and online job.

    I started practicing mindfulness to learn how my mind work right now, and trying to calm it down, though I’m still struggling with it. Perhaps you have some inspiration for me 🙂

    Another one, I have this feeling, I was really confident about my skills and abilities when applying for job, then got denied or didn’t pass it. I don’t know what I call the feeling after that, is it embarrassment? Self loathing? Anger? Self conscious? I don’t know, because it’s like all the feelings I said before mixed together. It’s overwhelming, it last for couple of weeks, and I still don’t know how to cope with it, it always end up by losing my hope to getting new job.

    Thanks

    #287059

    Nanda
    Participant

    Hi Michelle ,thank you so much for reading my story, I really appreciate that 🙂

    Now I started to be a little more social by having gathering with some old friends and others, with a risk of being mortified with no reason because of my anxiety I have, but I have to start making good changes by taking the risks, Right?

    And about my college, in my university, once I lose the scholarship, I should pay the highest fee for a year before asking for lowering it, and in my country, we don’t have student loans system, so I can’t afford it.

     

    Thanks

    #287069

    Michelle
    Participant

    Yes, it is brave to take risks and face your fears if you have worked out it is only fear holding you back from reaching out. A shame about the college then but understand about the costs involved. It is very very normal the feeling you are having when being rejected for jobs you have applied for, especially for people who are used to the ‘rules’ of school life and used to excelling. First jobs are the toughest to get for all, most people usually end up starting somewhere they didn’t imagine they would / not what they wanted, but as a way to gain the skills and experience to make applying for the next job easier and more successful. So long as it is at least a step towards what you want – in your case a step towards buying your financial freedom – then it’s just something everybody has to get used to dealing with, being rejected and standing up and trying again. If you read about ‘Resilience’, you will see it’s one of the most important qualities you can develop to help through life ups & downs.  Hope it works out for you.

    #287071

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nanda:

    You are very welcome. To summarize your situation right now: you are 21, having recently dropped out of college and you are looking for jobs. You live with your mother and younger brother and you can’t move out because you don’t have enough money to move out.

    As a child, you were abused by family members, “they bullied me, called me stupid every day.. called me useless little crap.. they wish I dead soon so I didn’t waste their money”. A cruel aunt did a lot of the abuse against you and she now lives in another country. Your mother with whom you currently live either abused you directly in those ways  (calling you names, wishing you were dead etc.) or she didn’t protect you from such abuse. You wrote specifically about her, “my mom.. judged me, complained about anything, being unsupportive, etc.”.

    In your note to me you wrote that you started practicing mindfulness, excellent. But notice: if your mother is disrespecting you and mistreating you currently, mindfulness can’t and shouldn’t make it.. feel okay. You need to be treated with respect.

    You wrote that you experienced perhaps embarrassment, or “Self loathing? Anger? Self conscious?” after being denied as a job applicant. These feelings, shame, anger with self, these happen when a child is disrespected and mistreated by a parent. A child sees his mother and father, even an aunt or an uncle as this all-knowing, all powerful person, and when disrespected and mistreated by that person, a child automatically believes there is something wrong with him that brought about that bad treatment. He then feels anger toward himself, for … brining about this treatment.

    But it is a misunderstanding of a child. There is something wrong with the parent, not with the child, when mistreatment happens.

    This anger toward oneself, this self loathing then expands to other areas as the child and later, the adult-child finds “proofs” that indeed there is something wrong with him and this is why he didn’t get this job or pass that test.

    I hope that you learn to see yourself, the child that you were, as the victim that you truly were, not responsible at all to the treatment you received by your mother, father, that evil aunt and so forth.

    There is nothing wrong with you.

    How is your mother treating you currently? And is that evil aunt still part of your life or your mother’s life via internet/ phone?

    anita

     

     

    #287147

    Nanda
    Participant

    Thank you Anita for the response. Another thing that I didn’t notice before, not only my aunt being abusive and cruel, my big brother is more physically abusive than her. They were always corporate when “torturing” me in the past, and my mom just watched it. Sadly, even though my big brother already married, he always visit mom everyday ,every single day, my mom spoiled him more than the other kids since long ago, and seeing him everyday gives me goosebumps.

    About how my mom treats me now, she keeps silent most of the time. Because If we start a conversation about myself, she knows that, mostly, I will runaway. She’s a two-faced person, my neighbors knew that. And she’s still connected with that witch (my aunt), she even bought my mom a smartphone so they can do videocall. Sometimes I heard them gossiped me, and always laughed about it. Being gossiped by own mother, I don’t know what this feeling about.

    As you said, I’ve been discovered that mindfulness didn’t help me out of this feeling and situation. But at least, my self awareness increased a bit, maybe I should learn more about how to increase it more. And now I started to learn about resilience.

    Thanks.

    #287163

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nanda:

    You are welcome. Your older brother physically abused you, cooperated with your aunt in torturing you. And your mother “just watched it” and still to this very day, “she keeps silent most of the time”, she does videocalls with the aunt that tortured you, still spoils the brother who tortured you and she gossips about you.

    This older brother visits your mother with whom you live, every day, and “seeing him everyday gives me goosebumps”- those goosebumps are automatic: you see him and your emotional memory of being tortured by him rises to the surface of your awareness and you get goosebumps. You living with your mother, and having your older brother and even your aunt in your life in some ways, keeps your abuse alive, because in some ways, it is still happening.

    After you move out and live far away from them all, no contact with these individuals, the emotional experience will remain in your brain and it will get activated sometimes, causing you distress. But away from all your abusers, with no contact with them, will allow you to start healing.

    In the meantime, your increasing  self awareness is a step in the right direction. It is awareness of ourselves and of  other people that makes healing possible. Reads to me that you see your mother as she really is, as well as your aunt and your older brother. This clarity that you have, this awareness of who they are, is very promising to me, as I think of your future healing. Keep at it and post here anytime!

    anita

    #287271

    Nanda
    Participant

    I took some of my time since I started this post to do self reflection of what happened to me in the past that affects myself right now in the present.

    There’s 4 things that I’ve noticed so far:

    First, I never allowed to play outside with my friends, if I do, my older brother will find me and kicking my butt (literally) in front of my friends and neighbors. The results in the present time, if I still at home, I never go out to socialize with people, but the opposite happens when I’m living on my own place, I rarely stay on my room.

    Second things I’ve noticed, when I was in middle school, if I asked buying some stuff I NEED for school, my mom scolded me, “where’s the money I’ve gave you everyday? You’re such an irresponsible son I ever had blah blah blah…” (for notice, she only gave me about 2 USD/day without lunch). And when I asked for something I really want, my mom didn’t say anything, instead my older brother came to me like a rabid dog. In the present time, I never tell everyone about my conditions, what I really need, my wants, until they know it by themselves or it’s emergency. I like to do it by myself without everybody else know.

    The next one, when I went to some competitions, or just gathering together with friends, big family, or other people, (in this case, my mom or my brother is around) if I failed the competition or embarrassed myself (even though I didn’t feel it, I’m just a kid), my mom gave me a dissapointment gesture, went away, and later told me about how dissapointed she was and told me how bad I am, or just laughed and mocked my act in bad way. My brother, he suddenly pulled me away from the crowd, and even brought me home if possible, lefts some swear words, then went away. I noticed that it affects my ability to take challenges, opportunities, and chances to grow better. The sounds echoing through my head when I start, “you’re not welcome here”, “you can’t do it “, “they always judge you badly”, “you’re unworthy”, ar else, so until now, I was not evolved too much.

    Last but not least, when someone in my family asked me to do stuff I never done before, I have to do it like a professional, or else they’ll call me some bad names. For example, my mom asked me to pull the weeds in the backyard, I asked her how, she only answered “don’t be stupid, do it by yourself” ( I was 6 at that time), so I just pulled everything that I can pull, and some of them are hard to pulled by 6 year old kid, I was exhausted, and laid at halfway when my aunt and mom walks in. My aunt yelled at me, said that I was irresponsible and “unprofessional” I am, yeah, she said that. I told her the reason why, but she really mad about it, yelled at me to not talk rudely and twisted my ears and mouth, then went away after talked to my mom to scold me. Yes, my mom just watched me cried on the ground without comforting me. The thing I learned after this, unfortunately, is I have to do things perfectly with no flaws and act like a pro, or at least pretending (that I couldn’t be), finding perfect timing to do things even just a really small task (that I never find), and take more spare time nonsensically before doing things (that just wasting my time). In conclusion, they gave me abilities to be perfectionist and procrastinator, sadly.

    Self reflection and self awareness already gave me the facts behind what happened to me right now, the ability to feel when the urge arise, and look and feel everything objectively what they are. Thanks for the responses from my first post, it really helps me out of this problem, and thanks for people in here of being supportive of me 🙂

    #287275

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nanda:

    You are welcome.

    I wish this was not your childhood experience, to have a mother and an older brother join together, a team of two, to mistreat you in all the ways they did, and then have an aunt join them, a team of three in mistreating you by not allowing you to play outside, kicking you in front of friends and neighbors if you did play outside, yelling at you, calling you names, mocking you, accusing you of such a ridiculous thing as being unprofessional at the age of six years old and other mistreatments.

    I hope that sooner than later you will have absolutely no contact with these three people, never to see them or hear them again, may they be gone from your life for good.

    And I hope you will treat yourself well and be around people who will treat you well.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 7 months, 3 weeks ago by  anita.
    #290219

    Nanda
    Participant

    Hello there,

     

    Just a quick update about my situations right now. I moved from my parents house, far away, got new job, and having my very first date! I surprised that everything I always doubt in society (because my family’s influence) wasn’t true at all, everyone is different, and because of that, now I’m more objective about everyone and everything in front of me. My mom keeps calling me every night though, but now I know how to cope the feeling during conversation and/or end it it soon without bringing more problems. Last but not least, I’m more aware of my fears and thought that always driving me crazy.

    I feel happier than before, thanks for this forums. I’ll keep share about it and/or asking for solutions if I stuck again in the future. Thanks 🙂

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