Hey Shelby.

This is probably going to be one of those posts you won’t like but I hope you won’t run from it and will read it and consider it at the weekend when you hopefully have a bit of time to yourself. I suspect a lot of it you already really know since you are smart and perceptive enough to understand these issues and have been working through them in therapy.

You guys sound a classic avoidant/anxious combination – pretty much the polar opposite of what’s helpful for either of you as it stands. It’s why he runs every time you become needy or wanting/demanding to be closer – and why he triggers your anxieties when he doesn’t give the constant reassurance that you are loved, that you are safe, that you think you need from him.

The thing about anxiety though, as you know, the more you feed it, the worse it gets. E.g. he may tell you he loves you – you are ecstatic, yippee, finally! You feel fantastic, fulfilled – you are wanted, you are enough, it’s fantastic!  A few days/weeks later you find the old insecurities creeping back, wait, you say, I wonder if he still loves me now, how much does he love me, if he really loved me enough he wouldn’t want to do x,y,z, he would want to be with me, I would be enough for him. Etc etc. So your helpful inner voice continues in this vein – I don’t understand, why are you ‘leaving’ me – I can’t be special enough, I must be lacking somehow.  Rationality has flown out the window at this point, shouted down by the insecure you, demanding to be looked after, to have their needs met. And so you reach out, demanding more, asking to be made to feel whole again like it was before when it felt so good. Tell me again, how you love me, ask me to move in, marry me, do something special – demonstrate again how much I am loved, so that I know I am safe and happy again, I don’t want to feel afraid anymore. And so the circle goes on.

Now if you were with a secure attachment type, he would recognise these demands as what they are, underlying insecurities you need to deal with and that he can support you dealing with – but can’t deal with for you. And he could listen but not give in to the demands and in such a way, eventually, they lessen as they are ineffective, not getting the attention/response they want. And so,  with his and others support, you work through your own insecurities and become able to meet your own needs, to not have that constant ball of anxiety in your stomach, worrying about everything, feeling inadequate, feeling scared, lonely. Now when he tells you he loves you, it brings you pleasure still, it still makes you happy – but you don’t NEED to hear it, you know it already because you know you are lovable, enough. And you know you would also be ok without it after time.

Being with an avoidant type though, this doesn’t happen. Instead, as you demand more, more closeness, more proof he loves you, more togetherness – he legs it. Either physically or emotionally, he retreats, looking to protect himself from the seemingly never-ending demands ( like, would you mind texting me once in a while……all the way up to let’s get married and have kids ) that will demand his attention, require him to give up something. So he withdraws, you try harder, he withdraws more etc.  At this point you either leave, hoping for the ultimate “if I leave he will realise what he is missing” or you hang on in hope, try to pretend to be something you are not, pretending to be ok with not getting your needs met until it bursts out of you anyway.

So – all well and good (or not I guess!) – but how to break the loop. How can things change for the better, recognising this isn’t a pattern you want for the rest of your life. You can’t make him go to therapy or want to change or even to recognise that is his style – that’s outside your control. What is in your control is that you can work on yourself to become a non-anxious attachment type, to become the stable secure type that is able to have a long-term healthy relationship.

As such, all the discussion here on feeling blue, wanting him to be different, hoping for him to change, accepting you are the kind of woman who just puts up with it, it’s all pretty much wasted energy really. A way to distract from dealing what is within your control entirely, namely working on yourself. This is not about encouraging you to develop the strength to leave this relationship but to take responsibility and focus on developing yourself to give it the best chance possible – as well as strong enough to also be ok with it not being what you want, if that’s how it turns out.

I thought about this a lot as you remind me so much of myself back in my anxious days so I know this is possible. I’m not your therapist and I’m not an Anita , who does an excellent job of helping others delve into their why so no offence meant here! As you know I’m more pragmatic and forwards looking. So I’m not especially interested in working through your childhood as to why you are an anxious attachment type, it is what it is, what is of value is how to work through that. I am willing to help you work through dealing with your anxiety issues, to help with becoming the self-confident woman you can be, in control of her life and not letting life control her and hopefully someone able to then support her guy working through his own issues, instead of looking to him to save her.

I realise we have got close to this before and you have shied away from those kinds of questions. So if it isn’t something you are interested in working through here, I’m not offended or upset in the least – entirely your choice as ever. I just don’t think the most supporting or helpful thing I can do for you is to continue to listen and try to help when it isn’t about working on yourself. I know you think that if only this relationship would work out, all will be great, happy again. But I honestly don’t think it will be the kind of relationship, the kind of life you envision without working on yourself first. It’s not what will make you feel better long-term, however much it feels like it would be the answer now.  I’ll still be here if you’re not interested and you will both still have to put up with my travel tales as/when – but I just wanted to explain upfront why I don’t think it’s helpful for me to encourage more unhelpful discussion around the relationship itself and so you’ll notice I won’t be responding to that.

Let me know – and incase you have made it this far still – yes, there are some good websites dedicated to putting together house sitters/home owners – sort of a Match.com for travellers! I use TrustedHouseSitters, which is the largest by far of opportunities but also of people looking. The other is MindMyHouse, which is much smaller and basically free at something like £16/yr whereas the bigger one is about £70 after you use a discount  code which are usually available. I regularly get people asking us to sit now which is nothing short of awesome!

Kkasxo – amazing timing as ever….I’d just finished writing all that and you came and nailed it much better! This is at the guts of it all absolutely all about working on your own self-esteem.  Even being able to recognise you are sad at not valuing yourself enough is a good step – recognising the need for change. Without a doubt I’m happy to help you on that front as much as I can too. I honestly think we all need to change this conversation into working towards something positive, however small. It can be too easy to be falsely comforted by sharing pain, looking for others in pain to agree how much it hurts and so on. I did that a lot after the break-up, seeking out people who would feed my need to agree how badly treated I’d been, how ‘bad’ he was and how ‘good’ I was ( i.e. he would come back, he would miss what he had etc ) . In the end, I realised it was all keeping me tied to the break-up, it wasn’t helpful or healthy.

Hope you both understand where I am coming from.