Dear Cali Chica:

I am responding to the first post, not having read the second yet, first some retelling then my thoughts:

You left for college at 17, your 10 year old sister stayed with your mother, your mother wanted “her to be out of the house”, “Making snide comments about how she feels my sister is watching her, and feels annoyed that she’s always clinging to her”, “It was like her presence annoyed her”, “she couldn’t stand to have my sister around” and your sister noticed that your mother “was in the closet on the phone secretly, quickly turning off the phone and getting angry with my sister walked in. She would exclaim, I have no privacy in my own home!”

“During this time my mother became very obsessed about speaking about the affairs of others. She said it was not uncommon for unhappily married Indian women to have this sort of thing happen… they often found themselves being attracted to other people… this poor woman stuck with these horrible lives, finally having a chance to be set free finally some love”. And she told you and your sister that she had strong sexual needs, was “more hot” than other women, that your sister is like her that way, and you are not. And she told you that your father “is not able to perform in such a manner”.

My thoughts this morning, some of them (there are many):

Your mother’s selfishness is extreme. In her mind she is entitled to anything her heart desires, no matter how it affects others. She doesn’t care how her words and behavior affect her husband or daughters. She has no empathy for anyone but herself, she has no care for how someone else feels.

Life in her mind really is all about her.  I gave you the extreme example recently, that if she murdered an innocent person, if she stabbed and killed another, and her arm hurt as a result, she would complain about her arm hurting. She would exclaim this murder to be her tragedy because her arm hurt, not a tragedy to the victim. Or the victim’s relatives.

Having no consideration for anyone but herself, she tells the truth and she lies- every day. Sometimes she tells her truth, at other times she lies and it doesn’t matter to her. She doesn’t care that her daughters will get confused by the mix of truth and lies. They don’t matter. So she says things, whatever suits her.

It is very difficult to separate the truth from lies when a person habitually lies. And when you are a young child, you believe everything a parent tells you. Once you do, it is very difficult to figure to separate the lies from the truth later on in life.

I think that she thought that “kids, teenagers, etc. should be out frolicking in the world with so many friends”, but it was a secondary thought. Her main thought, the one she didn’t say, was: I want to be alone! I don’t want these girls in my house!

It makes her look better to say that kids need friends. It would have made her look bad if she said she doesn’t want her daughters in her house. She thinks it is good for kids to have friends, but she doesn’t have a caring emotion attached to this thought- she doesn’t have the emotional well being of her daughters in mind when she talked about the importance of making friends. She had her self interest in mind.

Basically, she didn’t care about you, CC, having friends. She cared about you being out of the house so that she can be alone- alone or with a lover.

I don’t know if she had one sexual affair while married or many, I tend to believe many. Because why wouldn’t she- there is no concern for others, none whatsoever, she feels entitled, so if she meets a man who  is interested in her, why not?

I think you need to do more of that separating the truth from the lies of what she told you, see her better for who she is. This will lead you to see better who you are.

Next I will read your recent post and reply to that, then wait for your reply.

anita