Dear Lindsey:

Regarding counseling you wrote: “I worry counseling will not help my brain”- a capable, empathetic, dedicated counselor/ psychotherapist, over time, within the professional counseling setting, when you feel comfortable and safe in that office, trusting that person, over time the counselor can make it so that you feel comfortable/ safe enough to access certain feelings regarding experiences in life that you don’t want to access now.

For the counselor to help your brain, that is, to promote healing in your brain, it takes you feeling safe enough, in “good hands” so to speak, those of the counselor’s to feel that you can survive being aware of feelings that are now pushed down, repressed. I am guessing that you remember certain painful experiences in life but without much feeling. To help your brain, you need to remember how it felt, not just what happened.

“Red flags are easy to spot”- not necessarily. I will give you an example from what you shared about the short relationship with M. I am taking the example and using it out of context, that is, I am not judging that relationship now, only using the example: the two of you decided to not date publicly because you are co workers who work and live in a small town etc. Later on you wanted to date publicly and he didn’t. It is not a red flag that he didn’t date publicly- that was his preference, his choice, and you agreed to it. When you changed your mind and he refused to date publicly, his refusal is not a red flag, it is his preference.

Another example, he told you that he didn’t want to raise young kids, yours. That is not a red flag, that is, again, his preference. If he didn’t suggest to you before that he wants to raise your kids, then he didn’t lie before and not raising kids is his preference, his choice, not a red flag.

You have to tell the difference between a man’s preferences/ choices that you don’t like and red flags.

Examples of red flags: a man calling you names, a man telling you that the two of you are exclusive but he sees other women, a man telling you lies, factual lies about his life.

What do you think about what I wrote so far?

anita