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This topic contains 364 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by  anita 5 hours, 5 minutes ago.

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  • #285975

    lindsey
    Participant

    hi

    i wrote last week and found advice really helpful.  Here is my question.  I was seeing someone and it ended very abruptly.  He is a manager in my department yes I know very bad idea.  I feel like he has no attachment to anything and he really hurt my feelings.  I deleted his number from my phone and when I see him at work I feel like throwing up and punching him at the same time. I will not look him in the face but I’m sure my expression is evident.  He really hurt my feelings and I feel like I need some type of closure.  I don’t want to send him a work email.  I was thinking of stopping by his house.  We broke it off over text and I have a lot I want to say.  I have lots of feelings of shame and embarrassment because I feel like I came off a little desperate because im about to get a divorce, my ex and I are separated.   I just have things I want to say and it keeps going around in my head.

    #285977

    Mark
    Participant

    Lindsey

    You will look desperate if you go to his house.

    Write him a letter. Get it all of your chest. And then burn it. Let it go and focus on healing and what lessons you can take away from this experience. What did you find out about yourself?

    Mark

    #285979

    lindsey
    Participant

    I think you are absolutely right Mark thank you.  I was having a moment of desperation.  Letter is definitely the way to go

    #285983

    Mark
    Participant

    Heal well with Grace and dignity Lindsey.

    Mark

    #286099

    lindsey
    Participant

    Mark

    Im having a hard time letting this go because I seem to want closure.  I wrote a letter And then tore it up and I still don’t feel any better.  I just want to tell him how he made me feel and ask him why he was such a jerk in our last conversation.  The funny thing is I might have a panic attack driving there or when he opens the door and I actually get in the house.  Help

    #286113

    Mark
    Participant

    lindsey,

    There is a podcast, Invisibilia with the episode “The Weatherman” where they go into how as us humans require certainty, closure.  So it is our human nature to desire that, to want answers, to know for certain.

    How do you think this scenario will play out if you actually do see him with your list of questions?  I cannot see it going well or that you will get much satisfaction.

    Mark

    #286119

    lindsey
    Participant

    I don’t either. This stuff is just really hard to get over.  I don’t think it’s a good to seek him out.

    #286137

    Mark
    Participant

    lindsey,

    I agree.  Take care of yourself and wishing you swift healing as you move forward with your life.

    Mark

    #286169

    Ammy
    Participant

    Hi Lindsey

    I can practically relate to your story as I am going through the same thing and believe I know how difficult it is. I am on my 4th of no contact with him and he didn’t even try to look for me which obviously he was just playing with my feelings.

    I know it’s difficult I know ur suffocating but try this try to talk it out in the mirror that way u can say it out loud yes it might sound stupid but it’s helpful, talk it out until u feel that suffocation subsides itself

    Too bad you will see him every day but take it as he was never there and don’t be scared to look him straight up on the face cause that will help you even more.

    I know how difficult the situation is and don’t avoid it cause when u do it becomes harder to forget, every morning give it 10′-15 minutes of ur time so it becomes normal until you become better.

    Don’t try to talk to him or tell him that he acted as a jerk he hurt you cause definitely you will be more desperate which is not too good for you my dear.

    Every situation is different I can say I am in the same position but I am trying my best to settle cause I am dating while raising a toddler n I can’t let her see the sadness in my eyes

    Your strong you over came a divorce and ur working don’t doubt the strength of your brain and soul try talk it out in the bathroom  let your tears flow hard and I am sure it will settle dear.

    Hope it will be of a help to you

    Ammy

     

    #286281

    anita
    Participant

    Dear lindsey:

    I think the best thing for you, in addition to moving to your new apartment, is to see a quality psychotherapist. You’ve been experiencing a lot  of emotional hardship for a long, long time, culminating with this fast relationship at work, a fast relationship that brings up strong feelings of shame, hurt and anger for you.

    I can see that writing him a letter didn’t help. A confrontation at his home will not help either and may make things worse for you. Talking about this in the safety and comfort of therapy with a capable, empathetic therapist that you will trust is best for you.

    If you want to express here,  on your thread, what it is that you wish to express to this co worker, writing that letter to him here, in your next post, please do and I will read it and reply to you further.

    anita

    #286315

    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    (Mark) yes his name is Mark too ironic I know

    I think you saw me and my issues from a mile away and I was an easy target.   My looks and my attention fed your ego.  I know you liked me in the beginning but my kids and my situation with my soon to be ex made you say this can’t go anywhere.  I don’t understand why you didn’t talk to me about it more or just end it then.  It continued and the more that time went on you got rude and my anxiety went crazy.  I had panic attacks in your bathroom and you never knew it.  I think you are selfish and can’t apologize for anything.  Your bragging got on my nerves.  I’m ashamed of my behaviors during our last text conversation.   I was begging you not to end it and I don’t know why.  We didn’t have much to begin with.  I have so much work to do on myself I don’t know where to start.  I don’t know whether to thank you or hate you for bringing it to my attention that I have ptsd from my abusive marriage.  I feel like everyone is going to leave me.  I’m grateful when men are nice to me and that’s pathetic.  You are a fucking team manager at work and you should have been there to help me not take advantage of me.  I just want you to know that your butt is saggy. You need to work on that in the gym since you like to brag about how much you lift. Apparently you missed that area.

    #286323

    lindsey
    Participant

    Ammy

    thank you for your words of wisdom I will try to apply them. Good luck to you to!!

    #286333

    anita
    Participant

    Dear lindsey:

    The sentence that stood out to me as your most valid complaint about him is: “You are a f** team manager at work and you should have been there to help me not to take advantage of me”.

    He has a leadership position at work and it was unethical for  him to get sexually involved with a co worker, an employee at the same company. I wonder if you can make a formal complaint about him for this specific behavior, hand the complaint to the higher management?

    anita

     

    #286355

    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    No way not when I hit on him first and gave him my number.  It’s not against our company policy but it’s frowned upon, basically not a good idea.  Karma always comes knocking.  Writing to you is slowly making me realize how wrong/bad he is on different levels.  To some extent I jumped back into another toxic/ controlling relationship.

    #286359

    anita
    Participant

    Dear lindsey:

    As a manager, being in a leadership  position of some kind in the company, he shouldn’t get sexually involved with a co worker even if she hits on him!

    I sure hope you forgive yourself for getting involved with him, let that shame you feel go out the window. You’ve been having a difficult time for a long time, it is no wonder that you looked for someone to make you feel better. It is only human to look for someone to hold you, to make you feel safe.

    I will be away from the computer and back in about 12 hours. Feel free to keep  posting, expressing your feelings. If you do, I will read and reply to you when I am back.

    anita

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