Dear Lindsey:

First a summary of what you shared:

You’ve been married 12 years, two children, six and seven years old. You’ve been living with your husband as roommates and co parents for the last two years as a separation and divorce are in progress. You are about to move to your own apartment soon. You live in a small town, working in a big company that also employs your soon to be ex husband and a man by the name Mark (I’ll refer to him as M.). M is a team manager in your department, but not your manager. You had a three months relationship with M. (about Jan-March 2019) that ended very recently.

The relationship with M. started with you pursuing him, skyping and texting for a few weeks and then you went to his house, “eat dinner play with his dog watch movies etc. we talked quite a bit about life”. The two of you “made it clear we were not looking for girlfriend/boyfriend type thing”, having agreed that the two of you want to keep your relationship non-public, because of living in the same small town, working for the same company and you still live with your husband in the same house.

About three weeks into the three months relationship he told you that the relationship “really can’t go anywhere my kids are grown and your kids are really young and I’m done raising kids”. Following that he “slowly started to pull away” and you “got lots of anxiety and worry and started second guessing texts and everything else”.

Next, you told him that you “want to casually date and go places”, that is make the relationship public and he said he’ll think about it. Two weeks later he texted you “probably not” regarding dating because, he explained, “we r in 2 difficult places and want different things”, and that “He doesn’t date.. he has not dated anyone in 3 years since his divorce but casually saw 2 women”.

Next you had a breakdown on Valentine weekend, your 40th birthday. A week later you told him that you “want things back to how they were”, that is, going to his home and spending time there, not dating publicly. Next, “he started to just be rude in general with texting”. Two weeks later you sent him a text suggesting “let’s do something Saturday” and he responded “why”, twice. Then ignored your texting and calls for about an hour. Then he texted you “going off on how he was talking to his daughter who was more important than me” and that “more often than not when he saw me texting him his stomach would turn down instead of up”.

Next you tried to explain to him your anxiety and “issues from my marriage”. He then said that “he knew I had issues and would pray for me and that we were just in completely different places in life”. You then didn’t answer and deleted his numbers and texts. You ran into him once after that and had “a disgusted  look on my face”, avoiding eye contact with him.

At this point, what bothers you about what happened is, “mostly me coming off desperate… I was desperate for attention and affection… I came off desperate… I have lots of feelings of shame and embarrassment because I feel like I came off a little desperate…. I’m ashamed of my behaviors during our last conversation. I was begging (him) not to end it”.

You noticed very recently that he “put his Skype on as out of the office and he was there working.. I took that as he thinks I’m obsessed/stalker/he’s trying to avoid me at all costs”.

My input at this point: because dating between co workers in this big company is not against company policy, and because he is not your personal manager at work, and because he did not make any promises to you, I am not detecting anything wrong that he has done to you that you can call him on.

The fact that “he’s a loner, brags a lot.. very alpha male. Very confident.. Not attached to anything”, these are things you learned about him and reasons why you don’t like him, but these are not offenses that he committed against you.

After the short relationship you started thinking that “he might have took advantage of me and just got what he wanted… he is not a good person.. saw me and my issues from a mile away and I was an easy target”- these are after thoughts. I don’t see him taking advantage of you, not any more than you took advantage of him, that is, the two of you enjoyed each other’s company for a short period of time.

The two of you agreed right at the beginning to keep your relationship non public. You then wanted it public and he rejected your offer to make it public, to go places. You then texted him repeatedly, expressing to him how upset you were that he didn’t answer you quickly enough and he got scared of you- telling you that “his stomach would turn down instead of up” when he saw you texting him, and if your interpretation is correct, he most recently “put his Skype on.. he thinks I’m obsessed/ stalker/ he’s trying to avoid me at all costs”.

Putting my thoughts together now: what is clear to me is that a romantic relationship between you and M. is highly unlikely to resume in any form. You’d rather “eat dirt” and he may prefer the same. He doesn’t want to, that’s for sure. Following the pleasure he felt with you during the relationship, spending time with you at his home, he experienced a significant amount of distress and still does, and like you, he probably regrets starting anything with you.

Basically, all you can do  at this point is scare him further and that wouldn’t be right. You are angry with him but if you scare him further he may .. let’s say be so anxious that he will drive inattentively on the highway and hurt someone who didn’t do any wrong to you!

We have to think of the consequences of our actions and figure who those actions can hurt.

I recommend that you do leave a note at his desk, a typed note, not texting or calling him (and not visiting his home ever again!)- make that note short and write there something like the following:

– M., I am interested in no contact with you at work and outside of work. I will not call you or text you or initiate any contact with you in any way, shape or form. When we happen to walk by each other, I will ignore you and I expect you to ignore me. I am placing our short relationship in the past and leaving it there for good.

This is all.

anita

Dear Lindsey:

You are welcome. He may very well be a rude person, a person who is dishonest and so forth. I don’t know him. But this is why it is better to know  a man before getting sexually involved, to know him gradually over time, that way you don’t get in too deep with a man you.. later figure you don’t like at all.

You wrote: “I worry when he sees me he wants to run the other way”- what is it that bothers you about him running the other way, what is the danger for you in him running the other way?

anita

Dear Lindsey:

This is what is in the core of your distress: “I don’t want anyone to think I’m crazy or desperate or unstable”, you don’t want him to think that.

You wrote that you gave him access to you, to a secret cabinet of yours, being vulnerable and exposed and “he looked in a secret cabinet of mine no one really sees and then he slammed it shut and ran away”-

– he spent time with you but he didn’t get to know you. He knows some things about you, but he doesn’t know you. He didn’t reject you. He rejected things about you.

When we meet a person, we see how they look, we hear their voice, feel their hug, how warm it feels, but do we know the person- not if we don’t bother to.

I think you are quite lovable myself. I felt a liking to you early on in our communication.  There is something very honest about you, straightforward, and yes, vulnerable. Not everyone will see this about you, not everyone bothers to see.

It does hurt when a man gets access to your naked body, yet doesn’t see you, really see you, know what I mean?

anita