March 30, 2019 at 7:18 am #286975
As I read your recent post I quickly noticed that it is different than the others before it. It is punctuated, sentences are short and simple to follow, thoughts and words are not all over the place like before. And then I read: “I feel like the fog is lifting”- that explains it. Distress causes that fog, calm dissipates it.
I hope the move is successful, April 1- April 9.
About your mother, now that you have a good relationship with her, how did she explain to you her behavior when you were a teenager, changing overnight like she did?
anitaMarch 30, 2019 at 12:18 pm #287007
It took a long time to discuss it with my mother and for me to accept her behaviors and move on. My father was recently diagnosed with anxiety and severe panic attacks. During their marriage he used pot, alcohol, and food versus meds to cope with his disease. My mom was busy trying to raise my brother and sister who were 12 and 14 years younger than me and having to deal with him. She knew I needed to break away from her and be more on my own she just didn’t know how to do it. When I had kids I saw her in a different light; she was just trying to survive like everyone else.
LindseyMarch 30, 2019 at 3:22 pm #287031
I want to re-read your recent post (and read anything you may add to it) when I am back to the computer, no later than in 16 hours from now.
anitaMarch 30, 2019 at 5:40 pm #287035
the ex husband is upset and stressed out about this significant move Coming up. He lashes out instead of communicating. Yesterday I told him the owner of my gym is giving me 2 months free and then if I can afford to continue going, he would give me a discounted rate. We were discussing finances and cut backs etc. my ex said to me “ did you get on your hands and knees in front of him? Did you beg for him to let you work out for free?” I got up and left the room but am still angry. I can’t call my mother because she is away at a tennis tournament and last time I spoke to her she made it very clear she has her own problems to deal with and for me to figure it out on my own. This is her tone 75% of the time. My brain startes thinking about M. And yesterday I thought again about stopping by his house but I didn’t. I really can’t talk to my dad too much. He has to take benzodiazepines daily but is on a low dose. SSRI’s and other meds did not relieve the daily panic attacks. This started 2 years ago; we visited for Christmas and I was at the ER 3 times in 2 days. I took over as the oldest my mom practically had a breakdown. It has hurt their marriage and they are both struggling. He’s going to different doctors and trying to get off the benzodiazepines but this situation has aged him.
LindseyMarch 30, 2019 at 6:55 pm #287041
I am sad to read that you don’t have anyone to support you, to give you the attention that you need. No wonder you thought about M again. You need someone to be there for you!
I will be back in about twelve hours from now. Please add anything you want to add and I will read/ re-read what you shared so far and post again to you when I am back.
However distressed you are, see to it that things don’t get worse before you leave April 1, two days from now. Only two more days before you no longer live with your ex.
anitaMarch 31, 2019 at 8:32 am #287085
I am putting together what you shared about your father: “My father was always working… My father was recently diagnosed with anxiety and severe panic attacks. During their marriage he used pot, alcohol, and food versus meds to cope with his disease… I really can’t talk to my dad too much. He has to take benzodiazepines daily but is on a low dose. SSRI’s and other meds did not relieve the daily panic attacks. This started 2 years ago; we visited for Christmas and I was at the ER 3 times in 2 days… He’s going to different doctors and trying to get off the benzodiazepines but this situation has aged him”.
You shared about your mother: “I was really just an extension of my mother kind of like a doll. She had me at 19 and we grew up together. She really good at mothering until her kids became teenagers… She is really good at the baby/child stage as a mom. When I and my siblings were older, she seemed less patient and wanted us to figure it out on our own and stop relying on her too much… she did not try to make it happen gradually, it was like overnight. For example when I went to college, she pretty much said you are on your own now and they moved into a new house without a room for me. She emotionally cut herself off from me overnight. I was vert lost for a long time… My mom was busy trying to raise my brother and sister who were 12 and 14 years younger than me… I can’t call my mother because she is away at a tennis tournament and last time I spoke to her she made it very clear she has her own problems to deal with and for me to figure it out on my own. This is her tone 75% of the time”.
My understanding: your mother had you when she was 19, sometime before or after she married your husband and 12 years later, when she was 31 she had another child and then, at 33 had another. When she had you at 19, she treated you as if you were a doll, playing house, I suppose. You got a lot of attention, she fed you, clothed you, played with you. When she had her second child, you were 12. Soon after, if not before, she was no longer playing house, you were no longer her doll but a Problem, so she unloaded the problem eventually by moving to a house without a room for you. You went from being her Doll to being her Problem. And still, all these years later, you are 40 and she is 59 or 60 and you are still a Problem and she doesn’t want to be bothered by you.
You wrote earlier that you are a closure type of a person. I think that you need closure regarding your mother. You wrote earlier that you have a good relationship with her and that you suffered no childhood trauma, but reads to me that you are angry at her and understandably so. Her abandonment of you (from Doll to Problem) was traumatic and it is probably feeding your anxiety regarding M, the begging him to not leave you, being afraid of people leaving you.
Maybe the closure then needs to be done with her.
anitaMarch 31, 2019 at 8:52 am #287089
I don’t know how to have 100% closure with her. She’s a difficult person and doesn’t apologize or admit she’s wrong very often. We have poor boundaries in our relationship with a cycle of her bringing me in emotionally then pushing me away.
Was M. Using me as a doll in a sense? A plaything to control?
LindseyMarch 31, 2019 at 2:44 pm #287103
She “doesn’t apologize or admit she’s wrong very often”- did she ever apologize to you or admitted to you that she was wrong?
You wrote earlier that you have a good relationship with your mother. Doesn’t read like a good relationship, she bringing you “in emotionally then pushing me away”. If you think this is a good relationship, how can you possibly tell a good relationship from bad relationship outside your relationship with your mother, with other people…
“Was M. Using me as a doll in a sense? A plaything to control?”- I don’t know about control, but every man, once sexually excited, uses the body of the woman he is with so to satisfy his excitement. Hopefully not in ways that are displeasing to the woman, and hopefully he tries to please the woman as well, but part of the activity for him is the use of the woman’s body for his satisfaction. It is not abuse, it is … use. Not different from a woman who is sexually excited, using the man’s physical body.
Where you sexually excited when you were that way with M or were you emotionally removed/ numb (you may have shared about it, I don’t remember at the moment)?
March 31, 2019 at 5:17 pm #287113
- This reply was modified 2 weeks, 6 days ago by anita.
i guess I would have to say my relationship with my mother is…. hard. She has apologized to me just not very often. There have been times when she has helped. Over the weekend of my 40th birthday she came to visit and the year and a half of a building nervous breakdown peaked and I had to make a change quickly. She was there for me and made me realize I had to move out now. It seems unhealthy but it’s better than it used to be.
With M. I wanted the sex it just….was disappointing after. It was very frustrating because at first there was a connection but as soon as he said this can’t go anywhere he cut himself off emotionally and I felt like I kept chasing it. It was sex and no emotions and I thought that’s what I wanted in the very beginning. I found out during I wanted comfort and a connection.
i feel so frustrated. I’ve seen him at work walk in front of me by several feet with me walking straight ahead and him crossing the hallway and he will stare at me and then look down when he can’t see me anymore as he walks. What the hell??
lindseyMarch 31, 2019 at 5:56 pm #287115
Ok the hallway story sounded confusing. Picture a “T” hallway. I’m walking straight ahead on the long part. He is walking straight on the smaller part of the t but looking to the right at me the entire time until he can’t see me anymore.March 31, 2019 at 6:06 pm #287117
I wish I knew what he was thinking as he walks the small of the T, looking t the right at you until he can’t see you. I bet you wish you would know too. No way of telling really, maybe he is thinking how good you look. I will be back with you in about twelve hours from now, to respond to your recent two posts, and anything you may add.
anitaApril 1, 2019 at 7:49 am #287169
Your mother helped you during the time of your breakdown, about the time you turned 40. The complexity of the situation is that she did her part in creating that breakdown. It would have been nice if she didn’t cause a whole lot of your distress that led to that breakdown. Pay attention to the big picture in regard to your relationship with your mother: how is she hurting you vs how is she helping you.
I think that when M cut himself off you emotionally and did so suddenly: “at first there was a connection but as soon as he said this can’t go anywhere he cut himself off emotionally“), he triggered your experience with your mother doing the same, cutting herself off you emotionally and suddenly: “when I went to college, she pretty much said you are on your own now and they moved into a new house without a room for me. She emotionally cut herself off from me overnight“.
Look at your words, the ones I italicized: M cut himself off you emotionally, as soon as… and your mother cut herself off you emotionally overnight.
anitaApril 1, 2019 at 9:38 am #287189
Seems like if I’m not in control of a relationship then I’m vulnerable and they cut themselves off emotionally overnight. It’s one or the other with me.
Was my breakdown a combination of different things? Probably. Not sure how to have a relationship with my mother or set boundaries.
It is hard to know if I actually liked M. He did have faults but we did have things in common.
I’m just lonely.
LindseyApril 1, 2019 at 9:46 am #287195
I understand that you are lonely. And you are moving out today, aren’t you?
Can you explain to me what you mean by having control of a relationship, in “Seems like if I’m not in control of a relationship..”?
anitaApril 1, 2019 at 11:34 am #287207
Yes I’m picking up my keys and paperwork today. Also movers are coming this Wednesday instead of this Saturday so Wednesday will be official first night in my new place.
i don’t think I know how to have a relationship. To be in control to means feeling the other person likes you more than you like them or they constantly show you they like you and you don’t have to worry about them leaving. I’m not quite sure how to be with someone and them not want something from me.