April 1, 2019 at 12:25 pm #287223
So the plan is that April 3 will be your first night in your new apartment. I think it is exciting. I hope you feel excited about it, if not now, then later, once you find yourself alone. There is comfort in being alone.
To expect that the other person in a relationship will “constantly show you they like you”, is of course, unreasonable. It is too difficult for another person to constantly show you they like you, that will be a full time job for that person, taking over all of his waking hours, no time left for him to exhale. And no one can make you not “worry about them leaving” if you are already worried.
I hope to read from you soon, if not before, then when you are moved to your own apartment in two days.
anitaApril 1, 2019 at 5:32 pm #287245
Day one of move so far so good just tired. I’ve noticed when I get stressed I start having negative thoughts about myself and what M. Must think of me and my behaviors. I’m able to push them aside and start listening to the good side of my brain say it’s all ok.
I don’t recall being overly clingy with past relationships before my marriage or a constant worrier that they wanted to leave or didn’t like me. I think I’m going to have to take things extremely slow in the future with a man. It’s kind of like having a really bad fall off a horse and suffering say a broken leg. When you decide to ride again, Be cautious but have fun too.
I’ve just gotten a mentor at work who also works out at my gym. It’s a man but he’s older And married and he and his wife are really good people. She works out at the gym too. I’ve started to realize how important it is to surround yourself with good people.
LindseyApril 2, 2019 at 7:02 am #287283
Soon enough, what M thinks about you will not matter to you. What he thinks about you is happening in the short distance between his ears, that is a very short distance. And his thoughts have no power, they are just… thoughts. There are so many other people with their own thoughts, many, many billions of thoughts every day by billions of people and what difference do these thoughts make…
I hope the move is successful, tomorrow will be your first night, exciting!
anitaApril 4, 2019 at 9:49 am #287571
spent the first night in new apartment last night. Very stressful and tiring day but got mostly everything done except some little things. My ex was helpful helping. It was really nice waking up by myself and getting ready in peace lol. However I woke up at 2:30?with a panic attack and was not surprised. They usually happen with stress, being overtired, and in a new environment. Hoping tonight will be better.
I’m starting to realize people can be cruel and harsh in the dating world. I can be overly sensitive and make things complex when they are very simple. Trying to wise up and get smarter. Trying not to call my mom for advice bc I’ll just end up getting disappointed.
LindseyApril 4, 2019 at 10:13 am #287575
Congratulations for moving, I am so glad that you made the move successfully!
And I am glad you didn’t call your mother for advice. “people can be cruel and harsh in the dating world” and in the world at large, women, no less than men, maybe more. Better tread with caution then, better figure out people before approaching. Get to know this or that person, evaluate over time, in different contexts before getting emotionally and physically involved.
anitaApril 6, 2019 at 2:52 pm #287913
Anita I got on the forum in tears and classified had me laughing. No offense but I totally relate to the humor and the obsession.
I’m not much better. I’ve woken up 3 nights now having a panic attack or feeling like I’m about to. I feel like an iritable walking zombie. I’ve had to take my alaprozam (I think the spelling is wrong but don’t care at this point) each night and it’s makes me feel awful the next day. I’m feel constantly worried in my new place I’ve yelled at my kids and feel claustrophobic whenever they are over bc my place is smaller. I’m writing this in tears because I’m so tired and so worried that this will not go away. My ex is taking them tomorrow and gave me a 2 hour break this morning. He’s had them since I was tiring to move and has helped a lot with the move. I know this is all a really big change but I thought I was supposed to be better. My mom and I got in a big fight too bc I asked her to venmo me money this am after my dad offered and I said no yesterday.
lindseyApril 7, 2019 at 7:12 am #287943
No matter how you feel, don’t yell at your children, please!
If you can’t help yourself, if you can’t control your voice and it just comes out in a yell, don’t have your kids with you until you are able to control your behavior.
What do you think is causing the increase in your anxiety since you moved?
anitaApril 7, 2019 at 12:02 pm #287983
its been better today. I went to a neighbors single women’s dinner last night. I’m better with the kids but yesterday was a real struggle and I’m not sure why.
i feel a sense of panic when im alone it’s hard to describe. I think maybe I’m used to chaos and yelling and there is only silence. I have to take meds each night because around 8 pm the panic really starts. I’m hoping each night will get a little better. This is a huge adjustment. The women in the group were very helpful and said all of my feelings were normal and would pass. I mentioned a little bit about M. And I don’t feel shame anymore. I just feel like I escaped from something very bad for me and that he is a very bad person to do what he did.
LindseyApril 8, 2019 at 8:10 am #288041
Panic is a very tough experience. Try to remember when you feel increased fear that you survived fear and panic for a long, long time, as many people do. As bad as it feels, fear in itself is not dangerous. If we choose our behavior while panicked, we survive it.
“maybe I’m used to chaos and yelling and there is only silence”- if you trust that silence to continue, if you see to it that it continues, you will learn to trust it and not prepare yourself for the next turmoil. Rest in that silence best you can.
I hope you continue to socially interact with your neighbors, and that you leave M in the past.
April 9, 2019 at 6:35 am #288225
- This reply was modified 1 week, 6 days ago by anita.
My dumb behaviors I continue to do even when people repeatedly tell me it’s a bad idea leave me really disappointed in myself and I wonder why I self sabotage. Yesterday was the best day yet and I thought around 7pm I’m just going to go to M’s house. Just to say hey I don’t want things awkward at work I’m trying to move on etc.
well. I drove by and there was a car in the driveway. Odd things he did when I Used to visit him stared to make sense. I’m fairly certain he was seeing other women while seeing me. I feel really angry mostly at myself. This entire situation makes me feel like I’m in high school. We didn’t use protection and I’m calling my obgyn this am to get tested. I feel beyond dirty. I feel like talking about him still is pathetic and my really good friend at work refuses to talk with me at all about him saying move on it’s over it’s fine.
I feel sick and used and laughed at behind my back. Please help.
lindseyApril 9, 2019 at 8:37 am #288253
“Yesterday was the best day yet and I thought around 7 pm I’m just going to go to M’s house. Just to say hey I don’t want things awkward at work I’m trying to move on etc.”
It may seem like that behavior, going to his house yesterday makes no sense but reads to me that it makes some sense: you had a very good yesterday so you wanted to make it even a better day! You felt so good that you were motivated to make your life better.
Sure, it was an impulsive choice, to drive to his house, but there was a reason for it, a purpose.
The good news is that you do want to make your life better. Question is how to really make it better, how to choose thoughtfully so to do what is likely to make your life better.
Do you want to make a list, and it can be a very short list, any length, of what you can do that is likely to make your life better?
anitaApril 9, 2019 at 11:03 am #288325
i has an appointment with my obgyn this morning and she was amazing. I think I’m ok.
1. Make good decisions
2. My kids to transition well with separation/divorce
3. Love myself and to stop feeling like I’m being abandoned all the time.
4.deal with my anxiety better
5. Get treatment for ex husband abuse
6. Enter into a healthy relationship with a man
with my last forum to you, I feel like my thoughts race and I jump to conclusions on doom and gloom right away and the freak out thinking about it. My obgyn said Lindsey, how to you even know that car you saw belonged to a female? Last night was a huge basketball championship game and everyone was watching. I don’t see him watching that with a female but rather his friends.
lindseyApril 9, 2019 at 11:20 am #288329
Yes, I thought that too, that you assumed the car belonged to a woman and that he was alone with that woman, but no evidence in support these two assumptions. I didn’t care to mention that to you because I don’t care to encourage you to do proper.. PI work.
What you listed are objectives, 1-6, I like them all.
What if you made a list of five things to do each day, each thing aimed at promoting one of the five (2-6) objectives:
One thing to promote your kids’ transition with the separation,
Second- to promote you loving yourself,
Third- to promote you dealing with your anxiety better (lowering it),
Fourth- to heal from the specific abuse you suffered in your marriage and
Fifth- to prepare yourself for a future healthy relationship with a man?
anitaApril 9, 2019 at 11:51 am #288341
You are too funny with the PI work. Great idea I’m on it!
LindseyApril 9, 2019 at 1:00 pm #288353
You made me smile, my first smile today, thank you! I will soon be away from the computer and back in about 17 hours from now. Hope to read from you soon!