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#289015
Anonymous
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Dear Cali Chica:

I have leftover quotes from my work on your exercise posts and I want to present them today because I have the time and the inclination. I hope you read the following when you want to, if you want to, and take your time with it, take all the time that you need.

1. “sometimes they tell me how pretty I am… I am so special… They also say I am very special because I have beautiful eyes… my mom always talks about how I am special… she always says how I am most special”

– your mother’s  messages to you that you were most special led to the creation of what we referred to before as Super Cali  Chica.

“when I watch tv- I see if the actress is not that good, sometimes I even think maybe I should be on it instead, because I am smarter and better. when I watch tv with my mom, Indian shows- she says how someone like me would be a better actress on it”.

As you continue to see your mother as she really was, you don’t have to lose the message that you are special. Losing who you thought she was does not mean you have to lose all that she said, that is, you don’t have to lose the feeling that you are special. You are special, that is, valuable. Not because you have lighter skin and eyes or because you dance well or that you did well academically and are a medical doctor now, married to another medical doctor and so forth.

What I value most about you is your quest for the truth, your courage to face reality, your persistence, over time, your honesty, your intelligence. As I tell you from time to time, you are amazing. You are special. Hold on to this knowing, that you are special so that you can let go of your mother all the way.

2. “she saw me get angry, ‘screw those people who are treating us bad!’ she saw me stand up for her, many times I would tell my father, what he said or did was wrong”- you were loyal to your mother but she was not loyal to you. Betrayal by one’s mother is very painful. It takes time to process that, but once you do, when you accept that it happened and feel the pain involved, you are better for it.

And notice, that siding with your mother against your father, then realizing how bad of a mother and wife she was, does not mean that your father was the .. good one. Children see things in extremes, this or that. She was a bad mother and he was a bad father to you, both. Not one or the other.

3. “she likes to go there because it reminds her of India and there is so many people outside and hustle and bustle- good energy she says”- reads to me that she really did like that atmosphere, nostalgia. But she didn’t like people’s company most of the time, only at specific times, for example: when her daughters dance in weddings and made her look good, when she was very lonely and at those times talked with you in the kitchen, when she spent time with a lover. Otherwise, she preferred to be alone.

4. “my mom always says ‘what we say in the house is secret between us, and don’t tell anybody’. and she says ‘when they ask you questions that are personal, don’t give information away… we are supposed to not let them know stuff about our life, because they have jealousy and they may try to ruin things… we talk about this at dinner a lot. About our family and how bad they are”- your mother presented the world as us vs them. We are good, they are bad. That wouldn’t have been so bad for your mental health if there really was an us. But there was no us, no  unity. Your mother clearly communicated to you that your father is one of “them” and she clearly communicated to you that you too was one of them, and your sister too.

“I think my dad is bad… my mom and I are good”- that unity exists in your mind only, not in your mother’s. In her mind, there is me vs them, and them is everyone else, family and strangers, here and there and everywhere.

5. Regarding luck and hard work: “It feels unfair. There is no reason others should have luck. The people who do less, and have less good, have more luck!.. my dad says no matter what, we have to work hard, because we have to work hard our potential and talent. so I do work hard… (Luck) is not something that can be caught. Some people have luck and some people don’t. That’s how it is”-

– according to your mother no matter how hard you, CC, work, you will not be lucky, and she is correct because in reality, you are very unlucky to have had her as your mother. I suppose your father advice that you work hard nonetheless is what he did- he kept working hard, bringing money in, supporting the bad-luck he was married to, aka his wife, your mother.

You can get rid of that bad luck curse when you get rid of your mother’s mental rep in your brain, get rid of what she taught you, the senseless things she taught you and the outright lies.

6. One of your mother’s lies: “if someone calls on the phone.. she will go  on and on about how I made something good happen for us. She will talk about it all day… how she is so lucky to have a good daughter like me who made this good thing happen”- it is a lie because there was no us in her mind, because she didn’t think of you as a good daughter and she didn’t feel lucky, she was bragging, that is all, spitting out words that made her feel good at the moment. Unfortunately and understandably you believed her words, you erroneously thought that she meant what she was saying.

– if she meant what she was saying, that you were a good daughter, that there was an us, you and her, she would have told you in private that you are a good daughter, she would give you that message persistently, in a quiet voice, appreciatingly, not bragging to others.

“I am so used to sensationalizing the good outcomes of others- and making it more than it truly is… It is a habit”- same as your mother sensationalizing/ bragging to others about your achievements. I suppose it was a mix of pride for you, to hear her sensationalize your achievements to others and it was a source of confusion and distress because her bragging was not congruent with her behavior toward you personally, when hot bragging, and when she was not in a good mood.

7. “it is important that I make her happy, who else will?”- her lover or lovers.

8. You wrote, your father “says I am messy and frenzied, and my mind is scatter brained. he always tries to teach me to wake up and eat a good breakfast and take my time, and not always rush. I eat really fast and go to school and don’t take my time”- this tells me that you’ve been distressed and rushing for a long, long time. And you rushed because your mother rushed you, just as she rushed your father in the mornings, to be out of the house quickly. She rushed you to get out of the house and be elsewhere, with friends, so that you don’t burden her. Plus, it was tough living with her, all the distress otherwise.

9. “my mom always says the hardest job is to stay at home”- she was correct in that the hardest job for you was to stay at home with her. It was definitely easier outside, away from her.

10. “she says only a very strong person can stay at home… you have to be really strong.. they aren’t that strong”- I remember that she told you at one point, I think you were in medical school at the time, that she is the strong one and you were the weak one. She had this thing about being stronger than others. She made sure to be stronger than your father, that is, to put him down and keep him down, and she made sure to put everyone else down, in her own home at least.

— this is all my leftover quotes, and my input regarding those notes.

anita