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Dear Cali Chica:
I believed I had the answer when I asked you the question, didn’t want to offer it to you before you answered. And your answer is my own: “Yes it was. It wasn’t a lie because I am not special. It was a lie because she did not mean it”.
You weren’t special to her.
It was mind boggling to me when I realized that I wasn’t special to my mother.
I don’t think it is possible to mentally separate from one’s mother if we believe we lose our only concept of being special (valuable, that is) when separating from her. It is important to have an idea that we are special even though we weren’t special in her mind-and-heart.
If you didn’t agree with your mother, you were “garbage… nothing”. As children we will hold on to any special feeling (a result of her saying you are special when you agreed with her), even though we know there is something terribly wrong, but if this is the only special feeling, however conflicted we feel, we’ll hang on to it.
anita