Dear Girija:

I spent hours re-reading all your posts on your few threads.

Here is a beautiful moment, was a beautiful moment when you wrote to me: “You have said the most nice things anyone has ever said to me. You feel like family to me. No one has been this understanding and supportive”

And here is another one, the best one: I am starting to believe in the adventure and the blue sky you described anita. I am finally able to admit to myself that the nest is suffocating, i just needed to know that my wings were strong enough. I do now, and would also not mind falling as I try to reach the sky. It gives me hope”.

But later you wrote: “It’s back – the hopelessness… part of me died when i was younger – the part that could go after things. I am more a plant that a bird i am afraid”.

A few facts about you: you are 23, graduated college in 2016, and have been working in a company for 2 years as a junior developer. You live with your parents, sister, grandmother and her care taker, sharing one room with your mother and sister. You have not yet had a relationship with a man. Your mother, recently diagnosed with cancer, has been pursuing an arranged marriage for you.

“she is my mother and I love her, I don’t know how to override that emotion. Even imagining that – it made me go numb – i can’t really explain that. Maybe I am not angry enough?”-  in every girl’s heart, there is great love for her mother. We are born to love our mothers. I don’t think you can stop loving your mother no matter how angry you get at her, no matter how much you want to not love her. We love her no matter what, and we will forgive anything and everything, love her regardless and forevermore.

The majority of your ongoing fear, your anxiety, is in your core belief that you are flawed and incompetent as a daughter, a student, an employee and a person. You believe that you are not capable of making good choices for yourself, that you are incompetent to choose wisely, so you don’t.

This core belief  has robbed you from joy, passion and motivation for most of your life. You don’t have dreams and goals (or you don’t hold to those for long, beyond daydreaming, if you still do daydream) because you don’t believe that  you are capable of making any dream come true.

Here are your words indicating these things: “(I) am living in fear and shame… Know (I am) flawed and that these flaws are visible to anyone easily if they look.. It’s inherently a problem with who I am… I feel dejected that there may be people in my team thinking I’m worthless… It makes me feel like a failure when I disappoint those around me… I feel powerless as  a person, so I try to avoid challenges and don’t think I can face them… I’ve decided I won’t be able to handle things going bad. I have no  dreams or goals…I am never sure what  the right thing to do is or if i am capable of doing it… i believe i am incompetent at living”.

Your mother had “a stereotype of what a city girl should be- strong, fearless, social etc.” but “she was never any of those things”. She expected you to magically be these things, without being taught or shown, and without being emotionally cared for either.  When you understandably failed to live up to that stereotype, that is, to your mother’s unrealistic expectation, (feeling weak and fearful, not strong and fearless; uncomfortable in social situations, not confident), you formed the belief that you failed her and therefore, that you are a failure.

Your home life was harsh and difficult, and then, you proceeded to view the whole world this way: “the world seems too harsh and difficult… people are too strong, harsh even cruel. No one stops to see where another is coming from”- this is your experience at home, with your mother (and  father and grandmother)-

-These three people were “too strong, harsh even cruel”. These three people didn’t stop to see you. This is why you “severely hated (your) family for not being supportive in any way”, and why you “really feel empty and ..have no one”.

And now, you hate the whole world.

“I just wanted someone to  be by my side when I was down”, but you had no one. A child cannot become strong by not having someone by her side when she is a child- t is impossible for any child.

Not only did you not have someone by your side when you were down, you had someone shaming you when you were down: “when I did not do well, I was most ashamed of facing her… ..when i was really down, even when she did listen and this was the hardest thing ever – she would say ‘ i already have enough to deal with your father, i can’t put up with you too…don’t add to my problems, i even have to get your sister married once you are done'”.

“I would really like to be in a situation where i am skilled enough to earn the team’s respect. When some senior on the team is rude i am not able to convince myself that their rudeness is unwaranted and I keep telling myself i ought to be better but don’t do anything”- a team’s respect can make you feel good for only a moment before you worry once again that they see you for the incompetent person you were led to believe that you are,  “at work one failure and all the good work gets discounted”.

“I in fact did not like it when she said my sister has a cool head and knows how to solve problems. I want to be seen as a person that can solve problems...proof to me that i can indeed solve problems… I do the exact same thing.. imagining to be famous and also changing the world”- you needed your mother to believe that you are able to solve small problems. She didn’t, so you daydreamed about changing the world. This is how strong you wanted your mother to believe in you solving small, everyday problems. If only she did..

“i blame my seniors for not planning our projects out properly and then in the end questioning me as to why it took so ‘long’. While i would love for them to improve their planning skills, I think I could work harder too….How can I know if my expectations from others are too much or if i am being too sensitive for my own good?”- your expectations from others is that they do for you what your mother didn’t do for you, but they can’t. They can’t because they were not there when you were a child and that core belief was formed. So yes, your expectations from others are unrealistic.

“no one at work again cares about what another person is feeling”- no one in your home cares about your feelings. Really, it is a parent’s job, not employers (although it would be nice).

“Somehow for me, if I have to be true to myself – which means I will not pretend to be someone else”- this is very difficult to do when your mother’s advice to you “has always been a version of ‘don’t be like that'”.

“My constant fear is that I am a raging, emotional and unstable person.. too sensitive or dramatic”- you have been raging because you have been stuck for too long in a crazy-making relationship with your mother, having no one growing up to make you feel calm.

“the moment other people warn me or suggest impending danger i always listen, never do i consider for a second why this person deserves a say in my life”- so little is your confidence in your ability to solve problems, to make wise choices.

“I hate that i am damaged. I hate that i have to pretend to not be damaged. I hate that the external signs of damage are funny to other people”- you can heal, you can get better, and none of your troubles is funny to me. There are many other people in the world who will not think your suffering is something that is funny.

“I am all for raising kids with love. But  waiting for the whole world to do the same does not make sense”- don’t bring new children into this world then, not for as long as you are unwell and angry. Instead, take care of the child in  you who is hurting and angry. She needs much care.

“part of the reason I am not able to insist marriage is not for me is the lure of having a partner when I screw up, so there is still one person standing so things don’t completely fall apart”- if you are incapable of choosing, how can you  possibly choose a man to .. choose well for you! And as far as arranged marriage, which your mother insists on, my goodness, your mother is definitely way less qualified than you are in choosing a capable husband for you.

Save yourself, Girija. Help yourself. Don’t give up on you and don’t give up on the world. Find a place in it just for you, a place where you will finally be loved, and calm and okay being you.

anita