Well
to be honest
I feel that I’m trying to lie to me.
Of course there is a lot of opportunities for being in right relationship in my city, in my country and in the world.

But
My first relationship (which was with a 32 years old woman) was pretty awful. I was in relationship during 3 years with her and during those years I was only taking care of her problems and I’ve never touched her even. It was like… Idk even how I can put that relationship in the words.
I was 19-21 yeas old when I was with her and during that time I was dealing with a lot of problems with her life and her daughters. she was in problems all the time and when she didn’t have problems, she didn’t send message to me even. she left me suddenly over and over when she was in the good mood. but when she had a problem, she sent me a message and I was there to be with her and helping.
those 3 years was absolutely​ bad.
I loved her but I didn’t receive anything from her…
I don’t know why I was in that relationship… I knew that she only want me in her bad days and I didn’t have any meaning for her at all…
however
after that
I was so anxious. I felt that I should be in the right relationship and being able to love someone and enjoy the life with her (and not only being an helper and then a garbage)
So I started a relationship with that girl who was trying to change me.
I knew that she was not the right choice, she never could accept me as I am. But I felt the need so I decided to be with her.
And the result was even more awful. Everything was ruined in my heart and I lost my hope for good relationship.
So when we ended that foolish relationship.

Then I found a girl (who was about 35 years old) who was everything that I could imagine.
She understood me, she knew me and accepted me as I am.
She was trying to enjoy the life with me. She shared good moments with me (Which I never experienced before, I was supposed only for problems).
She read books with me in video chat and so on.
Everything was well but…
Our distance
She was from another country
I was working really hard (really! I was working for two company in the same time!) for being able to be with her.
She knew that
when I was under a really big pressure (and she knew it), the only thing that helped me doing those jobs was she. And I really didn’t imagine that I could lost her…
But someday
she suddenly said that she is going to end our relationship because she feel that she can’t wait… and she is older than me and blablabla (she knew that she was older thant me before of course, that was not good reason…)
soooooo
Now
I’m working so hard as I was.
but now
without any hope
and desire
and energy
and I don’t know what can I do
and I can’t take care of me well.
I work because it helps me to think less about all of this.

But I know this is not the right way.
I should start a relationship again and finding my motivations again.
But now
I REALLY fear of it.
and I don’t know with who I could be in good relationship.
And I’m pretty tired…
because I was in 3 relationship during 5 years and I had nothing… absolutely nothing.