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I think I need some advice

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This topic contains 26 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  anita 1 week, 1 day ago.

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  • #203777

    saggad
    Participant

    Hi, I’m new in this forum, I only read the blog and then, today I need some advice and so I start to writing here. sorry for my bad English…
    I’m 22 years old boy and I’m autistic. I had a depression for a long time and I tried two times suicide (one time when I was 17 years old and another time about 1 year ago) but now I’m fine… however. 2 days ago my best friend say that I should enjoy my life and try out new stuff in my life, and he said that I should learn a lot of stuff about the life. honestly, I only work and learn computer stuff all the time and I don’t pay attention to anything… however, I feel that I need some change in my life so… I said to myself that I should start a new relationship. I’ve never been seriously in relationship in my life and I’ve never touched a girl as a girlfriend or kiss in my life. I only about 1 year ago had a relationship with one girl. she is cute and so kind but, she really can’t know me and have really another world than me… when I started our relationship about one year ago (she offered) she tried to change me. and I realize that she really don’t know me and don’t want me as I am and she tries to change me so I stopped our relationship. but know, however, I said to myself that I should try this kind of stuff… and I should start a relationship and stop my loneliness. so I offered that to her and she accepted. but she starts to change me again now :/ and I know that nothing has changed… and I really don’t know how I can deal with it. I find my self so bad in this relationship and in the other hand I think that I need it. and I can’t find another girl who can know me better than she in my town… so I don’t know what to do now, I should deal with her? or I should being alone again, and how I could change this? I don’t know really how people can make relationships and also I don’t find someone who really can know me here :/ they only thing that I’m amazing boy who creates magic with computer and nothing… I feel so bad, I think now I should start a relationship, I’m 22 years old and I still didn’t kiss a girl either…

    #203855

    anita
    Participant

    Dear saggad:

    I am glad you posted here. Regarding this girl, you wrote that she has tried to change you before, and is still trying. Can you describe how she is trying to change you, an example or two?

    anita

    #203889

    saggad
    Participant

    e.g. she tries to change my life style and change my main stuff which are important to me. for example she tries to make me dress in way that don’t fit to me. she tries to make me speaking as she want, watch stuff that she want and so on…
    She tries to make me as a male that lives like other mens here in my town. reading books, reading articles, learning languages, watching animes and programming is so important to me and don’t like really body building! or try to speak like dinosaur to be a “man”. and I can’t find really a girl who like a man who is not like a typical man of my society…

    #203901

    anita
    Participant

    Dear saggad:

    Did you communicate to her that you don’t want to dress and speak the way she wants you to, watch programs she wants you to watch, that instead, you want to dress your way, speak your way, do what you want to  do?

    If you told her so, how did she respond?

    anita

    #203903

    saggad
    Participant

    I said them to her, and she started to become cold and don’t really respond to me…

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 1 month ago by  saggad.
    #203911

    anita
    Participant

    Dear saggad:

    In your original post you wrote: “I don’t know what to do now… or  I should being alone again, and how I could change this?”- she is trying to change you and you communicated to her that you don’t want to change in the ways she wants you to change. But she did not listen to you, did not listen to you with empathy, did not stop trying to change you, correct?

    This means that to be in a relationship with her takes for you to pay a very high price for it, to be someone you don’t want to be. It is too much of a price to pay. Let’s say you are hungry and the only loaf of bread you can buy in your town costs $1000. Let’s say you have that money. Will you buy that bread for that much money?

    If you are starving, you will, if it is between buying this bread and dying of starvation, you will buy that bread, am I correct?

    I hope you are not starving for a relationship, because the price she demands is too high.

    Be true to yourself. Change those things about you that you want to change, that you evaluate as needing to be changed (not what she wants you to change because it suits her).

    I understand you want to experience that first kiss, and I hope you do soon.

    Do you think there is a point to communicate to her once again, very clearly, what you are not willing to change about yourself?

    You can ask her if she would like it if a man demanded that she changes this or that about her as a price for a relationship with him, maybe it will make your distress on the matter more clear to her.

    anita

    #203915

    saggad
    Participant

    Thanks Anita for your help, I think now I have a better view about the problem and what I should do. You right, even if I need something, I should pay it in a proper cost… maybe this in this way I’m going will create a worse situation for me about a relationship. I will go to speak with her clear. and then I will decide about being with her.

    #203919

    anita
    Participant

    Dear saggad:

    You are welcome. You read like a reasonable young man. I hope you post again after you talk with her, with an update. I will be glad to reply to you again.

    anita

    #203921

    saggad
    Participant

    Thanks! of course.

    #203971

    Kevin
    Participant

    Hi Saggad,

    Firstly I would say well done for reaching out and having courage to share your situation here.

    Your english is just fine.

    I think that if you’re confused about which way to go with the girl, then it’s probably a sign that it’s not right for you. The thought of being lonely again would not be the right reason for staying with this girl.

    You are still a very young man and have many, many years and opportunities ahead of you, although you may not feel this is true.

    Concentrate on exploring the things in life that make you happy, you’ll meet more like minded people along the way and I’m sure that you’ll find a young lady that likes you for who you are and won’t try to change you.

    I wish you good luck.

    Kevin

    #204117

    saggad
    Participant

    Thanks Kevin for your answer. I think so. Now I should try to speak with her seriously. maybe tomorrow.

    #292349

    saggad
    Participant

    I started this topic about 1 year ago when I was 22 years old.
    Now I’m 23 years old.
    I left that girl who​ was trying to change me and after her I started a new relationship with a girl who was about 12 years older than me but she really understood me and I felt really well with her. She was fine with everything that I was/am.
    But the problem was our distance.
    She was not in my town and even not in mu country.
    I needed time for being able to go to her country but everything was pretty good and I was trying too hard for earning money and being able to join her, she decided to end the relationship because she felt that she should take serious steps and waiting for me was not good choice.
    Everything was happened so quickly and… okay… I’m now in the same situation when I was 1 year ago.
    Pretty alone (actually more alone) and I really don’t know how I can fix this issue.
    I feel that I can’t find the right person in my city (because the culture, maybe, they don’t like to accepte someone like me as I am) and of course I really fear of being in relationship with someone who is in other country or city (because my last experience)

    and I really don’t know what I should do…
    I’m seeking ideas.
    I really can’t be alone for my whole life of course and I don’t like to be in bad relationship (like that one in my city)

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 6 days ago by  saggad.
    #292353

    saggad
    Participant

    Well
    to be honest
    I feel that I’m trying to lie to me.
    Of course there is a lot of opportunities for being in right relationship in my city, in my country and in the world.

    But
    My first relationship (which was with a 32 years old woman) was pretty awful. I was in relationship during 3 years with her and during those years I was only taking care of her problems and I’ve never touched her even. It was like… Idk even how I can put that relationship in the words.
    I was 19-21 yeas old when I was with her and during that time I was dealing with a lot of problems with her life and her daughters. she was in problems all the time and when she didn’t have problems, she didn’t send message to me even. she left me suddenly over and over when she was in the good mood. but when she had a problem, she sent me a message and I was there to be with her and helping.
    those 3 years was absolutely​ bad.
    I loved her but I didn’t receive anything from her…
    I don’t know why I was in that relationship… I knew that she only want me in her bad days and I didn’t have any meaning for her at all…
    however
    after that
    I was so anxious. I felt that I should be in the right relationship and being able to love someone and enjoy the life with her (and not only being an helper and then a garbage)
    So I started a relationship with that girl who was trying to change me.
    I knew that she was not the right choice, she never could accept me as I am. But I felt the need so I decided to be with her.
    And the result was even more awful. Everything was ruined in my heart and I lost my hope for good relationship.
    So when we ended that foolish relationship.

     

    Then I found a girl (who was about 35 years old) who was everything that I could imagine.
    She understood me, she knew me and accepted me as I am.
    She was trying to enjoy the life with me. She shared good moments with me (Which I never experienced before, I was supposed only for problems).
    She read books with me in video chat and so on.
    Everything was well but…
    Our distance
    She was from another country
    I was working really hard (really! I was working for two company in the same time!) for being able to be with her.
    She knew that
    when I was under a really big pressure (and she knew it), the only thing that helped me doing those jobs was she. And I really didn’t imagine that I could lost her…
    But someday
    she suddenly said that she is going to end our relationship because she feel that she can’t wait… and she is older than me and blablabla (she knew that she was older thant me before of course, that was not good reason…)
    soooooo
    Now
    I’m working so hard as I was.
    but now
    without any hope
    and desire
    and energy
    and I don’t know what can I do
    and I can’t take care of me well.
    I work because it helps me to think less about all of this.

    But I know this is not the right way.
    I should start a relationship again and finding my motivations again.
    But now
    I REALLY fear of it.
    and I don’t know with who I could be in good relationship.
    And I’m pretty tired…
    because I was in 3 relationship during 5 years and I had nothing… absolutely nothing.

    #292357

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Saggad:

    Welcome back to your own thread a year later. I am looking forward to read your two recent posts (and anything you may add to them) and reply when I am back to the computer, in about 14 hours from now. I hope other members reply to you as well.

    anita

    #292371

    saggad
    Participant

    Thanks Anita

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