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I think I need some advice

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This topic contains 26 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  anita 3 months ago.

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  • #292375

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Saggad:

    I am wondering, you’ve been working a lot, for two companies at the same time- how is it that you weren’t able to afford traveling to see this 35 year old? And why didn’t she travel to see you?

    Also, the woman who tried to change the way you dress and talk and what you watch on  TV or  online.. did you try to change something about yourself so to accommodate her, for example, did you agree at any one point to wear this or that shirt or jacket so to please her?

    anita

    #292383

    saggad
    Participant

    About work: Everything was pretty fine and I had a plan for visiting her in April but suddenly the economy of my country gone wrong and our national money lost the value (This happened really suddenly, during only 2 weeks maybe). I live in middle eastern country and here the situation is not stable. Just imagine what happened in Venezuela about their money, we had/have a similar situation. So I asked her for more time. but…

    She didn’t came to me because she did not have work for a long time and she was struggling for finding a job.

    About that girl who was trying to change me: The problem was not only about dresses and so on but about lifestyle and how we think. Here the average people lives and thinks really different from the rest of the world and I can’t accept their way. We didn’t have anything in common for talking about. For example, someday we were together for about 4 hours in city and during that time, I swear that I said only “Hello” and “Goodbye “. Really nothing more. I could not accept or even respect her opinion about a lot of things and she could not understand even what I’m thinking about. We only live in a same city but really in different worlds. And I have the same problem with my whole society (of course there are exception) and therefore I don’t have friends now even in my country and I’m only in serious contact with my friends from other countries online.

    I could not make conversation with that girl for more than 10 minutes. I was always silent and hearing her opinions about the world.  She was always thinking how other people around her is thinking and how her friends speaks. I can’t imagine that she read a book (not from her university) in her whole life.
    Sometimes I even could not find words which she could understand. Our vocabulary was essentially different because I always was at home and reading books and I was not (and still I’m not) with other people in my country and so my world is really different. Maybe my autism cause it. idk.
    For example now I can talk for 10 hours about how Murakami thinks in the book Kafka on the shore or how Buddha changed his life after seeing those situations in the city far from the palace and so on.
    They are my hobbies. But when I talk about this kind of stuff with other people here, they only say “Ah, amazing” and then they try to speak about the last Instagram story from an actor who was talking about dresses! And this is the good case. It could be even dangerous. I remember one day I said something about Buddhism to someone and that opinion was not really similar to common faith in the country so he was really angry about what I said. That girl was also in the same way and I could not speak about my belief and imagine that I was hiding my belief from my girlfriend…

    Everything is pretty complicated and I’m thinking how I can solve this whole situation. For solving serious things about working life and so on I need be calm and being with friends/girlfriend but I can’t do it. I can figure out how I can solve finance problems but when I’m totally alone and depressed I can’t do something.

    I’m searching ideas about how I can be with people or if it is not possible now, How I can be alone but not depressed for being able to solve this situation.

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 2 weeks ago by  saggad.
    • This reply was modified 3 months, 2 weeks ago by  saggad.
    #292389

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Saggad:

    I read some of your recent post and will read all and thoroughly when I return to the computer in about 17 hours from now. If you would like to please post again with any information that may be relevant to what input you need here.

    Your third like in this thread, more than a year ago, reads: “I’m 22 years old boy and I’m autistic”- were you diagnosed with autism- when-  and what does it mean, in your case, being autistic?

    Again, if you want to, it can help me understand better if you share a bit about your current (and past) relationships with your parents.

    Please share what you want to share, if you do. No requirement for you to answer any of my questions, of course. I will reply to you when I am back.

    anita

    #292391

    saggad
    Participant

    I’m diagnosed as Asperger autistic about 3 years ago. The main things that shows this syndrome in me is about how I understand the world (and not only being alone and so on). For example my problems about understanding some social stuff without having clear definition or logic. Or my issues for understanding jokes and so on. And when I was a child I also struggled about this kind of social stuff a lot and I could not understand a lot of social conventions by myself unlike other children in our school. So I created my own world in my life. When I was about 15-16 years old I was reading books from Sartre or Albert Camus instead of being with my friends for example. I learned languages, graphic design and programming skills and so on alone at home and I didn’t have friends in university and school at all because I could not understand how those social stuff are going. How I should act in particular situation and they always found me too serious or mysterious… maybe.

    We in our family don’t have real connection with each other. My father is always silent (absolutely silent, you can only hear hello from him) and my mother have her own world. We are not in close connection and I didn’t receive any support from them Even in my study and working life.

    And again, Thanks for your attention Anita.

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 2 weeks ago by  saggad.
    #292421

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Saggad:

    “We in our family don’t have real connections with each other. My father is always silent (absolutely silent..) and my mother have her own world”-

    Most of who we become as teenagers and adults is determined not by the time we are born, but through the years of our earlier childhood, the years that are called Formative Years, because our brains are formed during those years. I don’t know the numbers, but I am guessing that hundreds of thousands of neuropathways are Formed during our childhood. The formation of these neuropathways, or connections between neurons in our brain, happens as a result of our interactions with the people in our childhood- our parents.

    – as a child you experienced no connections (or too few, too little of) in the context of your family, this means there were very few interactions between you and your parents.  As a teenager and adult, you experience  no connections with anyone in the context of the world, few interactions, too little of.

    Being social means interacting with others. You didn’t have social experience as a child, while you were forming, so you were.. inexperienced that way. No social experience and no social skills were Formed in your brain, no.. social neuropathways formed.

    – as a child you experienced your father as absolutely silent, his silence became a sort of silence in your own brain, in that a silence, or absence of social neuropathways was the result of growing up with your silent father.

    – as a child, your mother had her own world, which means she wasn’t involved in your world, didn’t interact with you, and so you grew up alone, not interacting with your father or your mother.

    Growing up and currently, at 23. you experience difficulties “understanding some social stuff”, you “could not understand how those social stuff are going”, “didn’t know “How I should act in particular situation” because you had too little social experience and skills Formed in your brain during your childhood. too few social neuropathways.

    You read a lot, “created my own world”, studied in schools, read a lot of books, “instead of being with my friends”, “didn’t have friends in university and school at all”.

    But we are social animals, born to be social, like other social animals. A social animal without connections feels unwell, lonely, depressed, “without any hope and desire and energy”, and so, you’ve been looking for a relationship with a woman and had three:

    First- you were 19, she was 32, it lasted 3 years, and it was all about her and her problems. When she was upset and had problems she looked for your company, when she felt okay, she “left me suddenly over and over”. You were her “helper and then a garbage”.

    Second- you were 21, she talked a lot you were silent a lot. You had nothing in common, she “could not understand even what I’m thinking about”, wanted to change the way you dressed, the way you talked.. so there was a lot of talk on her part and no connection.

    Third- you, 23, she 35, never met, all long distance, it was “everything that I could imagine”, she understood you and accepted you as you are, the two of you “shared good moments”, something you “never experienced before”, but she ended the long distance relationship after a trip to see her last April was cancelled because of finances, saying she shouldn’t wait anymore.

    Otherwise, you believe that you are not a typical man in your society and have little to nothing in common with almost all people, exceptions possible.

    More of my input: I believe you are correct in that you are different from the great majority of people in the area/ country where you live because you expressed it perfectly here: “Our vocabulary was essentially different because I always was at home and reading books and I was not (and still I’m not) with other people in my country so my world is really different”.

    While your peers interacted with their parent or parents, and later they interacted with people of their own age at school and in the neighborhood after school, you didn’t. And now, they have the vocabulary they learned during their Formative Years and you have the vocabulary you learned, that of great thinkers you read about in books.

    Please notice this important point: it is not that you are lacking social skills and experience and all or most people in your country, or anywhere in the world, have good social experience and skills. Your second relationship, she talked a whole lot and you were silent a whole lot- she didn’t notice it was a problem, she didn’t listen to your silence because she was lacking social skill, so she kept talking and talking. A person observing the two of you from the outside would see a girl that talks a lot and a guy who is silent, and that person will say: she is social, he is not. But it is the girl and the boy in this case lacking social skill, it is just that from the outside it appears that the one who is talking is the one with the social skills.

    It is clear to me and I have no doubt that it is true that you do need social interactions and cannot be okay without. I am sure of it because you are a human being, a social animal and all social animals need to interact, otherwise they are very unwell. Question is how to make it happen-

    I think it will take you learning social skills and gaining social experience. You already have some social skills, you just need more, and you need to practice those skills. You already have some social experience, you need more. What you didn’t learn as a child, during those Formative Years, you can learn now. Only it will not be as easy as it is for a young child, and you don’t have the context of a young child, that is going to school every day and going out into the neighborhood to play with other kids who are also eager to play with others.

    You mentioned a difficulty understanding jokes. I have a similar difficulty, and almost always, I do not know if a person is joking unless they use a different accent than their own, for example an American from New York using an accent of an American from the South, then I know humor is taking place. And I was not diagnoses with Autism. And so, the people you interact with, again, they have their own social difficulties.

    My suggestion: use every opportunity you have to interact with others so to gain that much needed experience, learn and practice social skills. Expect little as far as others understanding your world, that is, your book world because they didn’t read those books. So interact about other things, whatever may be of a bit of an interest for you. Listen to people, ask them little questions about what they meant when they said this or that. Don’t bring up your books unless you know that who you are talking to also reads books of the kind you do. Use the little you do have in common with others so to start and carry on a conversation.

    Notice when you talk to a person who keeps talking and will not listen to you- that it is not your lack of social skill that is responsible for that behavior by the other person, it is the other person’s lack of social skill to be talking and talking as if they were alone. Find people to talk to who do take a break from talking, wanting to hear what you think.

    I hope to read your thoughts about what I wrote, when you are ready to let me know.

    anita

     

     

    #292455

    saggad
    Participant

    Thanks, Anita

    Now I have a clear idea of what’s going on. I think I have a lot of stuff for building in my life. I’ll try to use every opportunity for practicing social skills. And maybe, for now, I should forget about having a relationship again and seeking it.

    #292459

    anita
    Participant

    Dear saggad:

    I will be away from the computer for the next 17 hours. Please post anytime, anything you would like to add and I will be back with you here when I am back to the computer.

    anita

    #292587

    anita
    Participant

    Dear saggad:

    Re-reading your most recent, short post, I think it is a good plan to use every opportunity in your life to practice social skills. Anytime along the way of your practice, feel free to return to your thread and post again. I will be glad to read about your practice and what you will be learning as you practice.

    anita

    #292609

    saggad
    Participant

    Thanks, Anita, I will. Now I have a better idea of what I should do

    #292623

    anita
    Participant

    You are very welcome, saggad.

    anita

    #293989

    saggad
    Participant

    Well
    Hello
    As you said here, I started to experience more and learning social skills. So I tried to find some friends in my city, I searched for an online group and joined. There I tried to speak with others and making connections but they were too superficial and I could not make a conversation with them at all. I tried a lot for two days but everything went wrong. So I decided to leave that group. I was thinking about joining NGOs again but my last experience was awful when I saw a lot of people in NGO fighting against each other. So this one is not the right choice for improving my social skills.
    And about 3 days ago my friend said that maybe I was wrong and my ex-girlfriend maybe only wanted to protect me and then left me and so it could be good idea speaking with her about it and maybe it is a chance for having the relationship again. But when I spoke with her, she said that she left me because she felt that I’m blocking her from progressing at her working life and so on. So I really don’t know what is the right steps for solving these social problems. Finding friends and girlfriend sounds really big challenge for me now and I feel that I need it really strongly. I need a practical suggestion which can help me find a solution.

    Sorry if I only speak about this kind of stuff here and boring everyone 🙁

    #293997

    anita
    Participant

    Dear saggad:

    I am glad you posted again.

    Regarding the 35 year old long distance, online ex girlfriend, what she said matters (“that she left me because she felt that I am blocking her from progressing at her working life and so on”). What your friend said (that maybe she only wanted to protect you) is his maybe-possibility that she herself didn’t state as a reason. She stated something else, better take her word for it.

    You mentioned practicing social skills online since we last communicated, May 6, you joined an online group. I will adjust my suggestion earlier: practice social skills every opportunity you get in-person, not online.

    anita

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