Thank you everyone for your kind responses and encouragement. I forgot to subscribe to the topic so I was not aware that I was getting responses. I am reading through everything and I will try to respond when I can.

@anita  Yes perhaps that may be it. I know my mum loves me in her way. But perhaps because of my upbringing, I didn’t understand how to love and care for other people. My parents did not have friends, did not value friendships, and I don’t have extended family. I could make friends, but I’m unable or unmotivated to make the effort to love and care for them and nurture the friendship. Like for example, I know from theory that to be a good friend, you should care about their lives, spend time with them, celebrate their special days, learn to know what they like and give them thoughtful gifts etc. But I’m self-centred, and have low self-esteem. I  could not bring myself to make the effort to do all that, i feel that they do not need me. I could not feel genuinely happy for people whom I think have it better than me. So sometimes I shy away from meeting them. I definitely avoid looking at social media for that reason too, so I’ve missed out on some important events happening to some friends. The people I still keep in touch with (i.e. see a few times a year or less) have formed their own friendship groups, have partners, children and their own lives so it’s hard for me to connect meaningfully with them. I feel ill at ease going to events where I will feel left out (and I have consistently experienced that when previously out with groups) so I just don’t go at all.

I think I do still like myself and want good things to happen to me. Before I started getting depressed over my job, I was able to do some things that made me content even when I was alone. But it is so difficult with my emotions weighing down on me now. I’ve managed to reach out to a friend to share what has been going on with me and ask her to invite me to stuff when she can. But I’m afraid she finds me too negative, or that in the event she invites me, I’ll end up turning her down.