Hey Kkasxo and Michelle,

It’s been a hectic few weeks again (what’s new?!). So good to hear from you Kkasxo. So….. a lot has been going on. I really really empathise with how you feel. My ex is back and we’ve been spending time together again, behaving like a couple. Obviously under the radar however. I like you, wonder am I making a mistake, I feel it will end again as it has twice before, I worry about it a lot, but then I have amazing times with him too and I try to tell myself, this is my path and my journey and yes, it might be a mistake, but maybe it’s a mistake I’m meant to make. I can’t say. But I could live my life afraid of making lots of decisions but heck, I’m just going to go for it and deal with the consequences.

When he got back from S.America he said me missed me. We’ve been getting wonderfully….as always….but that’s it. Nothing particularly new and I’m aware enough to understand that something must change for there to be a different outcome in any situation in life. I find the lying and concealing to my family and friends is taking somewhat of a toll on me. However, I’m not ready to tell people yet, because once I do, I will inevitably have to defend the decision and provide them with the evidence that would suggest it may work out differently this time, and of course I don’t have anything yet. So until I have clarity, I can’t give clarity to other people.

We had a long weekend together over the past few days and it was lovely and easy going and after a few (too many) drinks, some things were mentioned but not ideal conversation time and most of it is fuzzy in my head now! I then spoke to him yesterday and explained that we cannot do what we did before and expect a different result. He acknowledged this. I said I would prefer to have our own place where we could explore our relationship and give it space to breathe away from the demands of both our families. I asked him what he wants for his future but he still doesn’t know. He says he finds it scary to think about and I said I would support him if he wants to work on that and develop and grow through it, but that while I want a future with him, I don’t want a future with someone who isn’t sure they want a future with me. He is so awkward in these conversations, constantly trying to divert away from the serious content, to jokingly talk about something unrelated. I call him on it now though and he says he feels I know him a bit ‘too well’ now! He said we ‘complement’ each other and I literally said….’ya know what complements each other…MINT AND LAMB…mint and lamb complement each other…or salt and pepper…..I’m not a condiment, you better come up with something better’! Anyway, I told him to have a think about stuff over the next while. It wasn’t an ultimatum, just food for thought and we’d meet at some stage soon again. We’ll see.

I have my godson’s christening coming up in a few weeks and I certainly won’t be inviting my ex, but at the same time, isn’t it frustrating that I’m not in a relationship where my significant other would just be alongside me at important events in my life?!

Also, I’m a little stressed with my course worth and actually….some female health issues the past while, so I’m biting the bullet and not waiting and getting it checked out. No point in worrying needlessly. So finger crossed.

Michelle,

There is never not a a time I don’t want to hear about your travels, so please keep the contributions coming. It’s wonderful to hear about your travel adventures. Well done on working so hard to achieve your dream. I honestly feel like I’ll never be out of debt, I’m paid so so poorly for what I do, hence the reason I’m trying to complete my makeup course and open up a potential new line of income. Trying to be as proactive as I can.

Kkasxo,

I LOVE Ikea….I mean….really love….I think I have a problem. While I actually don’t buy that much, I could spend hours in there…..I mean they have stuff I never even knew I needed in my life. So go for it, make it as homely as you like and go all in. You might as well. No point in letting fear hedge your bets. At least you will have zero regrets.

S x