Dear lostcatlady:

Take all the time you need posting. Often members who reply to the original poster don’t return to the thread and do not continue the communication. Some members do return and continue. I am one of the second group. And so, whenever you have the time and the inclination to respond to me here on your thread, do so, no rush and no time limits. You can return to your thread anytime and re-read parts that you want to read again, see if something new comes up for you and post again.

You wrote: My parents did not have friends, did not value friendships”. Earlier you wrote about your relationship with your mother: “My mum and I look after the stray cats in the neighbourhood, pretty much all I talk to her about is cats… I watch whatever tv she watches”-

– so your relationship with your mother is a sort of.. superficial friendship, more like an acquaintance, and you have less than that with your father, correct?

No wonder you wrote regarding making friends, you are  “unable or unmotivated to make the effort to love and care for them and nurture the friendship… care about their lives, spend time with them.. I could not bring myself to make the effort to do all that”-

– your parents didn’t bother to “do all that” with you, to nurture a friendship, or a relationship with you, to care about your life, really, to ask you questions about how you feel, what you value, what you want, and then, listen to you, really wanting to know your thoughts and feelings.

Because you don’t have the experience of a close relationship, you grew accustomed to being alone, you didn’t experience the benefits of a close relationship, so you don’t seek it. It is similar to this: you are familiar with the sight, flavor and texture of a delicious cake, so when you see it somewhere, you are motivated to eat it. But if you have no experience with such a thing as a cake, if you see it, you are not motivated to approach it and have a slice or two.

You mentioned something else that keeps you unmotivated to make friends: “I could not feel genuinely happy for people whom I think have it better than me. So sometimes I shy away from meeting them”- I used to envy people who had it better than me, and it seemed at the time that everyone did have it better than me. I was quite angry, why is life good for them… and not for me.

It is interesting how you “seek comfort in praying to the Goddess of Mercy”- we look for the gods to give us what our parents don’t, is my experience and understanding.

anita