@anita

“your parents didn’t bother to “do all that” with you, to nurture a friendship, or a relationship with you, to care about your life, really, to ask you questions about how you feel, what you value, what you want, and then, listen to you, really wanting to know your thoughts and feelings.”

You’re absolutely right, and I started crying when I read it because it really hits home (not trying to make you feel bad for it though!).

“so your relationship with your mother is a sort of.. superficial friendship, more like an acquaintance, and you have less than that with your father, correct?”

I’d say it’s difficult for me to talk to her about my problems because she doesn’t know how to console me and will sometimes start talking about her own problems. I heard from her that her mother (my grandmother) didn’t show her love too, so I think it’s a vicious cycle. However, I do believe she loves me from her actions, she does things for me, tries to cheer me up with food, she’s aware of my current situation and although she tells me she doesn’t know how she can help, she says she’d support me to go and seek professional help and that I should not worry about my job because she has savings. But of course I can’t take that for granted as my parents are elderly and not working. I consider her as my rock and I’d be quite devastated if anything happened to her.

With my father, I literally have nothing to say to him, and neither does she. I know I should be grateful that he’s not an alcoholic, abuser, gambler etc and he brought home the bread… but, he is really cold. My mum and I have both told him how he is lacking (he has no kind words for us, he never appreciates her for anything, and he doesn’t trust us) but he is unhappy with criticism and he never tried to change himself. He does things for us on instruction, like he’d help my mum go and buy groceries because she instructs him to. He helps to feed the cats. He watches whatever tv we watch. I think he’s trying to make effort to conform in some way, but really, I think we might all be happier if he’d just be kinder and show some love with his attitude and words. I think love doesn’t exist in his dictionary, We tried to go for family counseling, but let’s just say that it didn’t work out because he is so resistant. My parents would probably be divorced if not for the fact that it is expensive and too much trouble.

I also feel guilty about disappointing my mum. I have an elder brother who is married. He is a corporate high-flier, and he doesn’t have a good relationship with us (very long story for another day perhaps). If I was as accomplished career-wise as he is, I would have been able to give my parents a much more comfortable life.

I believe I do love my mother as she loves me. I wish I could hug her and tell her I love her. It’d sound weird, but I don’t know how to initiate it. She’s never hugged me or told me she loves me in person. I used to think it’s an Asian/cultural thing.

“Because you don’t have the experience of a close relationship, you grew accustomed to being alone, you didn’t experience the benefits of a close relationship, so you don’t seek it. It is similar to this: you are familiar with the sight, flavor and texture of a delicious cake, so when you see it somewhere, you are motivated to eat it. But if you have no experience with such a thing as a cake, if you see it, you are not motivated to approach it and have a slice or two.”

I suppose this is right. I never used to see this as a bad thing though. In fact I contented myself with reading all those articles about how it’s ok to be alone etc. I was happy planning trips by myself as solo-traveling became more popular. Now I’m starting to wonder if I’m broken and if I will always be lonely and empty.

I don’t get angry at friends who are more high-achieving than me. it’s more like I feel inferior, and I get angry at myself for not working harder and allowing myself to stagnate. I do have savings too, and I’m prepared to get back into further education for a mid-career change for an in-demand industry. But because I am so lost and lacking in energy and confidence in my skills, it’s hard for me to decide right now what I want to do.

“we look for the gods to give us what our parents don’t, is my experience and understanding.”
Yes my mum prays a lot too. She says that’s how she seeks comfort in hard times. So it’s what I do too.

I’m just done crying and I’d better get back to work. Thank you for your response, i really appreciate it.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by lostcatlady.
• This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by lostcatlady.