Dear Cali Chica:

“I was with my mother…. when single, when married. I was with HER”- that is the mental unit I mentioned before, the young child and the mother are not separated mentally, as far as the child is concerned, in the child’s brain. With a mother like yours and mine, the child never separates, no matter how old, single or married, no matter the mother is alive or dead, until enough healing takes place.

Your understanding of feelings (“I don’t have to grasp onto tightly to it… Let it ebb and flow as nature intended… The emotions will come as the process continues”) is indication that healing it taking place in your brain, a result of your intent to heal, your intelligence, your initiative, your wisdom.

“The concept of my mother being a strong being, feigning weakness is very important… in the context of my relationship with my mother, only I suffered”-

– she was the strong one inflicting pain on you, the weak one. By the word strong, here,  I don’t mean sensibly strong,  I mean only this: exerting force against you, so to create a Win for her and a Lose for you. Like you wrote, in the context of you and her, “she was never truly weak. She made me weak”.

Long, long ago your mother was an innocent, good child who was abused. She was not that child when you came into the world. That innocent and good child that you saw in her, has been locked in her for a long time and what really was in front of you was an abusive woman.

“don’t you worry. I am super- and I am strong. Or so I thought… I was told I had the strength to persevere and keep pushing”- your mother pushed you, or invested her energy performing her shows for the short term return on investment that was an emotional relief, on her part, a joy of sorts for having punished you, a Win-Lose interaction, she wins the relief and joy, you lose.

When you push next, or invest your energy, (continue to) aim at the long term return on investment in Win-Win interactions and relationships. This way you will be sensibly strong.

anita