@anita

“your crying doesn’t make me feel bad, but your concern indicates to me that you don’t want to burden others with your pain, and I suppose you didn’t and don’t want to burden your mother with your pain, this is an indication of how alone you are in the context of your relationship with your mother and with your father.”

Yes I don’t feel comfortable completely sharing my burden or even crying in front of them because instead of just embracing me and telling me everything will be ok, they get upset. My father would just… walk away. My mother would try to console me in her own ways but it doesn’t make me feel good.

“once you understand the difference I mentioned above, that guilt will lessen and lessen and then be gone. Without that guilt, you will have more of that energy that you are now lacking.”

I’m guessing that you’re saying I shouldn’t feel guilty for not being able to provide a better life for my mother, because she didn’t provide me with the “nutrients” to do so. I think you’re right, and with that perspective in mind, I can try to stop feeling bad about it.

I recall that when my parents used to quarrel, she’d sometimes blame me for not mediating. We used to have heated arguments about that as I found it extremely unfair to be blamed. I certainly did not ask them to quarrel (although I was sometimes the reason that they did) and hated it when they did. I did sometimes feel bad for my mum because I know she is very unhappy.When my grandmother passed away and she was informed about it, it seemed that she wanted to go to the funeral, but in the end she didn’t, and later she blamed my dad for not encouraging her. I regretted not offering to go with her back then and recently I told her that if she wanted to reconnect with my youngest aunt who was her favourite sister growing up, I would help her. But my mum declined and said she didn’t see the point in it anymore.

I guess I really need to learn to stop taking her unhappiness upon myself.

Nevertheless I get so envious when I see other people, friends, dramas with such loving and supportive families.

“It will help you to express your pain to someone who will not be inconvenienced by it, but instead, will be motivated to listen to you, to really hear your words and your emotions, in the words you say or type away. I am willing to do that, and so, if you want, please post again and again and express to me what you need to express, I want to read from you.”

Thank you so much, I’m grateful. I tried to share my feelings with a friend whom I felt I was able to connect somewhat better with. But I was so worried that she’d be put off by my negative energy so I tried to limit it.