Dear Nichole:

Your cousin was a good child, so was his mother, your aunt, and your mother… and every human being on the face of this earth.

“I  don’t think my mom truly mean to hurt me or either my aunts to their children. My family are not cruel intentioned people”- they feel pain and then they do what it takes to feel better, no matter what it does to others. I suppose you are correct, their first priority is not to hurt others, it is to help themselves. It is only a side effect, that their behaviors hurt others, a side effect that… doesn’t concern them. It is their pain and their relief that concerns them.

“I know these people are not perfect”- it is not realistic to expect people to be perfect, but it is realistic to expect people to be… less imperfect. For example, it is realistic to expect your aunt to not bad mouth her son or her niece, you, that is.

The behaviors on your part, in the past, that you believe hurt other people, correct those so that you are honest and respectful in your dealings with others, this is how you earn your self forgiveness for past behaviors. To tolerate dishonesty and abuse from others as… a payment for your past behaviors, that does not make the world a better place because no one learns and correct their behaviors.

You wrote that your aunt helped you and so did other family members, but let’s look at your aunt for now- she helped you and then she hurts you, helps you, hurts you, bad mouths you… isn’t it like someone giving you a cake and then punches you in the face? You can’t enjoy the cake once your jaw is dislocated.

“I am afraid to make another leap and change. I have been through so much”- I understand. You don’t have to move out of your aunt’s home, really. You don’t have to do that, you decide.

I don’t remember where this phrase comes from, maybe from the bible, “he gives and he taketh away”, something like that, he or she gives and then, h take away. Here is a cake, and here is a punch in the face, so to speak.

anita