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GUILT AND PAIN AFTER MOTHERS DEATH

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This topic contains 110 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  anita 59 minutes ago.

Viewing 6 posts - 106 through 111 (of 111 total)
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  • #288127

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    You are welcome and no need to apologize to me, you can post any time that is convenient to you- I am okay with your timing!

    You are proud of yourself and I am proud of you too, for working as hard as you do and saving money for the purpose of making your dream of owning a small condo come true,  as well as for doing all you can to heal and get better.

    “I know should I ever be desperate and need help my family will be there. Any one of them”- it is often the case that family injures an individual family member and then offer their help with the recovery of the injury.

    – better prevent injury from happening than allow it to happen and then get help to recover.

    I understand that you love your brother Daniel dearly. But I am concerned about your desire to have a relationship with him, concerned that he will ask you for money or that you will offer it to him once you are…  under-the-influence of your love for him.

    You are considering reaching out to him. Why has he not reached out to you?

    anita

     

    #288129

    anita
    Participant

    * didn’t reflect under Topics

    #289061

    Nichole
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you! I have been working really hard. I have been trying my best to stay focused on me and my goals. Sometimes I feel selfish though. Not enough to make me do anything I shouldn’t. I often am torn on whether I am doing the right things or if I myself am acting narcissisticly. Sometimes my actions remind me of the people in my past like my ex and his family. I am good to people and do not wish to manipulate them but I do come first. It is hard not to feel selfish because my entire life has been based on helping others and putting other people first. It was considered love to me in the past. Emotions are what I lived on. And that was better in a way but also worse in a way. I was depressed and anxious but boy when I was happy it was go lucky!! I felt more alive back then. Is that normal? Now that I am more i control of myself and my feelings and actions I feel just content and days pass by. I don’t get too many days of feeling love or loved or the happiness I used to when things were good at home or with my ex. I miss those days sometimes. I miss being naive sometimes. I do agree sometimes people create hurt to relieve it but my family more so I believe is like the rest of the world only like you when you are below them but once you start doing good or being happy they don’t want the “competition”. That is what it feels like. Which is so messed up because I would want nothing more than to see anyone in my family happy and doing well. Yes, there have been times I have been jealous but I would never hurt them for it or wish them bad or manipulate them. I would just get over it. I love Daniel dearly. He was my best friend my entire life and know he would be there in an instant if I called him or at least I hope. He has reached out and invited me for dinner one night. But he is so lost in his relationship I just feel like it is not him and that hurts. Not just because he hurt me but because I cannot save him and this time I won’t try and this time I won’t sacrifice myself to help him. So I know this time if he falls he will fall flat on his face and that is scary to me but then I think I fell flat on mine and no one but myself was there to pick me up so if I can do it so can he. It just really really sucks Anita that all of the closest people to me are not really in my life any more.  Some times I look up and wonder why. I have learned a lot but man I loved these people. Where are they? Why don’t they love me enough to sacrifice for me? Is it because they have been where I am and are just putting themselves first like I am? Or are they intentionally hurting me through projection? Or another million things I research. Confused in life, how are you?

    #289121

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    I am fine, thank you.

    “Emotions are what I lived on… I was depressed and anxious but boy when I was happy it was go lucky!! I felt more alive back then. Is that normal? Now .. I feel just content and days pass by. I don’t get too many days of feeling love or loved or the happiness I used to when things were good at home… I miss those days sometimes”-

    When you were a child and you saw your mother suffering, you wanted nothing more intensely than to make her happy, to help her. You suffered a whole lot through all the many hours and days and years of seeing her miserable. In the context of that ongoing misery, when you saw her happy for a moment, when you did something that made her happy, the joy was intense.

    In the context of ongoing misery, occasional joy is ecstatic, dreamy, euphoric!

    Now, as you work hard trying to make a personal dream come true, owning your own home, not living in the misery of before, you… well, you don’t have the misery of before and you don’t have the occasional intense joy either.

    As a child, when I daydreamed about making my mother happy, being rich one day and giving her all that she ever wanted, a luxurious home with all the services in the world, when I daydreamed those make believe scenarios, seeing her happy and grateful to me for making her happy, I felt a joy of such magnitude that I am not able to feel in the present time nor did I feel it through my years of healing. It saddened me because I wish I could.

    My desire to make her happy was so intense that the joy at the visual of her happy was equally as intense.

    Back to you, I suppose you want to make your brother Daniel happy, but like your efforts with your mother, you can’t. All you can achieve is occasional joyful moments in the midst of ongoing misery. Better give up those joyful moments and the long-lasting and worsening misery that those moments of joy will cost you.

    “I love these people.. Why don’t they love me enough to sacrifice for me? Is it because they have been where I am and are just putting themselves first like I am? Or are they intentionally hurting me..?”-

    – no, they haven’t been where you are, if they were they would be like you, wanting nothing more than to make you happy. Your brother Daniel is not focused on you, he is focused on his girlfriend as his..solution. He sees her as having the power to make him happy, not you.

    He doesn’t believe his happiness is with you, so..  believe it yourself.

    Better you give up the misconception that your family members view you as a possible source of happiness. They have their own perceived sources, their own lives.

    Live your own life then. Make yourself happy best you can, and if it is not intense happiness, be it. Less intense happiness long term may be good enough and the best you can have.

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 5 days, 23 hours ago by  anita.
    #290007

    Nichole
    Participant

    Hi Anita.

    Hope you are well. I am sitting home, finally! With a glass of wine. Pondering life as usual. I just wanted to thank you again. For giving me great advice and much to think about.

    It’s funny you say you dreamed of giving your mother everything. I did the same thing. It eats me up that I wasn’t ever able to give it to her. I loved her so much. She was my best friend and enemy. That is what we would say. Lately I have been sad. Thinking of her and just missing her and her voice. Wondering if the pain will ever go away. I’m curious if you have spoken to your mom at all? I know in the past you said you have chosen no contact.

     

    So true, this time I have to live my own life. And I am. I am surprised at myself how focused I am and determined to live a life I enjoy. It’s just scary when you don’t really know what you want out of life. Life was my family and then I got with my ex and life was him. Hard finding a life without both of these things. Sometimes still shocks me that this is the case. I cannot believe my life has changed so much in just 7 months. It was turned upside down. So unfair to me. I do want to own a home but am scared what will happen once I take the leap. It seems to be my main focus. Saving. What will happen once I did it. Where is my life heading. What do I do? Where do I go. It’s always been a thought to go to Florida again. But afraid to go back to where I was.  So much pain there. But so much pain here too. I still feel like I need family but honestly don’t believe I can do another year in the cold. But do not just want to go somewhere I know nothing about. I do not like that idea. That is why I thought of where I was in Florida.

     

    It scares me when you say ”

    Live your own life then. Make yourself happy best you can, and if it is not intense happiness, be it. Less intense happiness long term may be good enough and the best you can have”

    I want that intense happiness someday. But am scared of it?

    #290039

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    I am fine, thank you. I chose no contact with my mother in May 2013 and haven’t talked to her since and will not be in contact with her ever in the future.

    “this time I have to live my own life. And I am. I am surprised at myself how focused I am and determined to live a life I enjoy”- this is what you want, this is why you are doing so well. You want to live your own  life, not a family member’s life, not that ex’s life, but your own. This is what motivates you to work a few jobs, to work as hard as you do- to live your own life.

    You are motivated on one hand, settled in your current objective, saving money, but you are scared of the future: “it’s just scary when you don’t really know what you want out of life… What will happen once I did it. Where is my life heading. What do I do? Where do I go”.

    These questions will be answered later, not now. They can’t be answered now. Life is not an academic experience where you plan it all and then execute, all in one essay paper. You will know later what you don’t know now. You can’t know now what you will know later.

    What you do know now is that living family members’ lives brought you misery, as a matter of fact, family, for the majority of it, your family, brought you a lot of misery.  You also know Michigan and Florida.

    But the U.S and the world is bigger than Michigan and Florida put together. Maybe you will choose to live elsewhere. Don’t limit yourself to just these two places because you already lived in those.

    Regarding your family, don’t repeat because that is what you know, because of those moments of joy- it is not worth it. As you proceed, you will meet a man who will be different from your ex, and from your family members, one that you will team up with, partner with, work together for common objectives. That will be a different kind of experience for you.

    Be open to what you didn’t experience yet, a better and better life.

    anita

     

     

     

Viewing 6 posts - 106 through 111 (of 111 total)

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