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GUILT AND PAIN AFTER MOTHERS DEATH

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This topic contains 404 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  anita 3 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #288127

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    You are welcome and no need to apologize to me, you can post any time that is convenient to you- I am okay with your timing!

    You are proud of yourself and I am proud of you too, for working as hard as you do and saving money for the purpose of making your dream of owning a small condo come true,  as well as for doing all you can to heal and get better.

    “I know should I ever be desperate and need help my family will be there. Any one of them”- it is often the case that family injures an individual family member and then offer their help with the recovery of the injury.

    – better prevent injury from happening than allow it to happen and then get help to recover.

    I understand that you love your brother Daniel dearly. But I am concerned about your desire to have a relationship with him, concerned that he will ask you for money or that you will offer it to him once you are…  under-the-influence of your love for him.

    You are considering reaching out to him. Why has he not reached out to you?

    anita

     

    #288129

    anita
    Participant

    * didn’t reflect under Topics

    #289061

    Nichole
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you! I have been working really hard. I have been trying my best to stay focused on me and my goals. Sometimes I feel selfish though. Not enough to make me do anything I shouldn’t. I often am torn on whether I am doing the right things or if I myself am acting narcissisticly. Sometimes my actions remind me of the people in my past like my ex and his family. I am good to people and do not wish to manipulate them but I do come first. It is hard not to feel selfish because my entire life has been based on helping others and putting other people first. It was considered love to me in the past. Emotions are what I lived on. And that was better in a way but also worse in a way. I was depressed and anxious but boy when I was happy it was go lucky!! I felt more alive back then. Is that normal? Now that I am more i control of myself and my feelings and actions I feel just content and days pass by. I don’t get too many days of feeling love or loved or the happiness I used to when things were good at home or with my ex. I miss those days sometimes. I miss being naive sometimes. I do agree sometimes people create hurt to relieve it but my family more so I believe is like the rest of the world only like you when you are below them but once you start doing good or being happy they don’t want the “competition”. That is what it feels like. Which is so messed up because I would want nothing more than to see anyone in my family happy and doing well. Yes, there have been times I have been jealous but I would never hurt them for it or wish them bad or manipulate them. I would just get over it. I love Daniel dearly. He was my best friend my entire life and know he would be there in an instant if I called him or at least I hope. He has reached out and invited me for dinner one night. But he is so lost in his relationship I just feel like it is not him and that hurts. Not just because he hurt me but because I cannot save him and this time I won’t try and this time I won’t sacrifice myself to help him. So I know this time if he falls he will fall flat on his face and that is scary to me but then I think I fell flat on mine and no one but myself was there to pick me up so if I can do it so can he. It just really really sucks Anita that all of the closest people to me are not really in my life any more.  Some times I look up and wonder why. I have learned a lot but man I loved these people. Where are they? Why don’t they love me enough to sacrifice for me? Is it because they have been where I am and are just putting themselves first like I am? Or are they intentionally hurting me through projection? Or another million things I research. Confused in life, how are you?

    #289121

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    I am fine, thank you.

    “Emotions are what I lived on… I was depressed and anxious but boy when I was happy it was go lucky!! I felt more alive back then. Is that normal? Now .. I feel just content and days pass by. I don’t get too many days of feeling love or loved or the happiness I used to when things were good at home… I miss those days sometimes”-

    When you were a child and you saw your mother suffering, you wanted nothing more intensely than to make her happy, to help her. You suffered a whole lot through all the many hours and days and years of seeing her miserable. In the context of that ongoing misery, when you saw her happy for a moment, when you did something that made her happy, the joy was intense.

    In the context of ongoing misery, occasional joy is ecstatic, dreamy, euphoric!

    Now, as you work hard trying to make a personal dream come true, owning your own home, not living in the misery of before, you… well, you don’t have the misery of before and you don’t have the occasional intense joy either.

    As a child, when I daydreamed about making my mother happy, being rich one day and giving her all that she ever wanted, a luxurious home with all the services in the world, when I daydreamed those make believe scenarios, seeing her happy and grateful to me for making her happy, I felt a joy of such magnitude that I am not able to feel in the present time nor did I feel it through my years of healing. It saddened me because I wish I could.

    My desire to make her happy was so intense that the joy at the visual of her happy was equally as intense.

    Back to you, I suppose you want to make your brother Daniel happy, but like your efforts with your mother, you can’t. All you can achieve is occasional joyful moments in the midst of ongoing misery. Better give up those joyful moments and the long-lasting and worsening misery that those moments of joy will cost you.

    “I love these people.. Why don’t they love me enough to sacrifice for me? Is it because they have been where I am and are just putting themselves first like I am? Or are they intentionally hurting me..?”-

    – no, they haven’t been where you are, if they were they would be like you, wanting nothing more than to make you happy. Your brother Daniel is not focused on you, he is focused on his girlfriend as his..solution. He sees her as having the power to make him happy, not you.

    He doesn’t believe his happiness is with you, so..  believe it yourself.

    Better you give up the misconception that your family members view you as a possible source of happiness. They have their own perceived sources, their own lives.

    Live your own life then. Make yourself happy best you can, and if it is not intense happiness, be it. Less intense happiness long term may be good enough and the best you can have.

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 7 months, 4 weeks ago by  anita.
    #290007

    Nichole
    Participant

    Hi Anita.

    Hope you are well. I am sitting home, finally! With a glass of wine. Pondering life as usual. I just wanted to thank you again. For giving me great advice and much to think about.

    It’s funny you say you dreamed of giving your mother everything. I did the same thing. It eats me up that I wasn’t ever able to give it to her. I loved her so much. She was my best friend and enemy. That is what we would say. Lately I have been sad. Thinking of her and just missing her and her voice. Wondering if the pain will ever go away. I’m curious if you have spoken to your mom at all? I know in the past you said you have chosen no contact.

     

    So true, this time I have to live my own life. And I am. I am surprised at myself how focused I am and determined to live a life I enjoy. It’s just scary when you don’t really know what you want out of life. Life was my family and then I got with my ex and life was him. Hard finding a life without both of these things. Sometimes still shocks me that this is the case. I cannot believe my life has changed so much in just 7 months. It was turned upside down. So unfair to me. I do want to own a home but am scared what will happen once I take the leap. It seems to be my main focus. Saving. What will happen once I did it. Where is my life heading. What do I do? Where do I go. It’s always been a thought to go to Florida again. But afraid to go back to where I was.  So much pain there. But so much pain here too. I still feel like I need family but honestly don’t believe I can do another year in the cold. But do not just want to go somewhere I know nothing about. I do not like that idea. That is why I thought of where I was in Florida.

     

    It scares me when you say ”

    Live your own life then. Make yourself happy best you can, and if it is not intense happiness, be it. Less intense happiness long term may be good enough and the best you can have”

    I want that intense happiness someday. But am scared of it?

    #290039

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    I am fine, thank you. I chose no contact with my mother in May 2013 and haven’t talked to her since and will not be in contact with her ever in the future.

    “this time I have to live my own life. And I am. I am surprised at myself how focused I am and determined to live a life I enjoy”- this is what you want, this is why you are doing so well. You want to live your own  life, not a family member’s life, not that ex’s life, but your own. This is what motivates you to work a few jobs, to work as hard as you do- to live your own life.

    You are motivated on one hand, settled in your current objective, saving money, but you are scared of the future: “it’s just scary when you don’t really know what you want out of life… What will happen once I did it. Where is my life heading. What do I do? Where do I go”.

    These questions will be answered later, not now. They can’t be answered now. Life is not an academic experience where you plan it all and then execute, all in one essay paper. You will know later what you don’t know now. You can’t know now what you will know later.

    What you do know now is that living family members’ lives brought you misery, as a matter of fact, family, for the majority of it, your family, brought you a lot of misery.  You also know Michigan and Florida.

    But the U.S and the world is bigger than Michigan and Florida put together. Maybe you will choose to live elsewhere. Don’t limit yourself to just these two places because you already lived in those.

    Regarding your family, don’t repeat because that is what you know, because of those moments of joy- it is not worth it. As you proceed, you will meet a man who will be different from your ex, and from your family members, one that you will team up with, partner with, work together for common objectives. That will be a different kind of experience for you.

    Be open to what you didn’t experience yet, a better and better life.

    anita

     

     

     

    #292873

    Nichole
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Sorry it’s been a while again. I have been exhausted. Physically from work and emotionally as usual from what life keeps throwing at me. Sorry to hear about the no contact with your mom. I know you have shared that with me before but it still saddens me that we have to go through this. That is your mom, she should love you unconditionally.

    I hope all is well with you.

    I have been for the most part down lately. Living with my aunt has been hitting the fan lately. She is so passive aggressive and manipulative. It is sad to see this part of her. I feel like life keeps showing me who people really are. But what is the point of showing everyone I once trusted is cruel? And it most likely isn’t even their fault, someone was probably cruel to them. I have so much compassion for these people but at the same time I am trying to be at peace. Things got really bad about a week ago and I felt so shamed by my aunt. I feel as if she was talking behind my back and nothing I did was good enough. I went through a 3 day depression that was debilitating. I do not know if it had to do with her but based off of my learnings it could have been. So I started feeling better and last night I actually went and looked at room for rent in a house full of 4 women. It is in a great area, it is going to cost me 250 more dollars, and it is only a room! Here at my aunt’s I have a fully furnished basement apartment for 250 less but feel like my peace is more important. This is usually where I get stuck. I start of thinking of reason why I should stay when I see the red flags. I am confused on what to do.

     

    Sometimes I feel my boundaries have been so harsh, and maybe I am exaggerating them? But I am not sure because I really have only been doing what is best for me and what feels right for me. I do feel selfish sometimes. But at the same time I feel like people are so mean and cruel. Everywhere I go. I seem to be getting the same passive aggressive response. Could this be normal? I am so sick of the passive aggression. I feel like the more happy I am the more someone wants to bring me down. I quit my part time at Ross because the people were getting to me. The moral was bringing me down. It is so hard because I feel like everywhere I go isn’t working out and it’s hard not to feel like the problem. I am no perfect but I am kind and have just been doing me lately. I am confident and loving lately and I feel like no one supports it. I am afraid to leave my aunts to this shared house for many reasons, it’s more expensive, I will be with 4 women and what if they start with the passive aggression. I don’t want to make another mistake. I am just not sure if I want to live alone yet and I still am not sure where I want to live so I don’t want to rent alone and sign a lease.

     

    #292883

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    I will read and reply when I am back in 2-3 hours (glad you posted!)

    anita

    #292923

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    No need to apologize to me for not posting for a while. Post whenever you want to  post. I am okay if you next post this evening, a week from now, a month.. or even a year.  I want you to feel comfortable to post whenever you feel like posting.

    Regarding people who are cruel, their cruelty “most likely isn’t even their fault, someone was probably cruel to them”-but it is their fault, a person’s cruelty is a person’s fault.

    “I have so much compassion for these people”- for people who are cruel to you? Not a good idea, such compassion will keep you available to a cruel person’s cruelty.

    What was your aunts most passive aggressive and manipulative (cruel) behavior toward you recently?

    I am asking because I want to understand better your dilemma regarding staying with her vs renting a shared house with four other women.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 7 months ago by  anita.
    #293033

    Nichole
    Participant

    Thanks Anita, I am comfortable writing in whenever. I myself would just like to write more but life happens.

    So let me start by saying I love my aunt she was a huge support to me when I first came back to Illinois and especially when my mother passed. I knew moving in with her would bring challenges but never thought it would be like this. So I noticed the passive aggression in the first month, I noticed the controlling behavior and I noticed her anger when I didn’t do what she thought I should be doing. So I should have left when I seen these red flags. I am trying to figure out why I think I should keep myself in places where I am not comfortable. Sorry I get off topic and vent. The most passive aggressive behavior recently, which caused me to leave for 3 days and I felt great about that was the way she was making these indirect comments about me going to see my aunt who is in a comatose state right now. So since my moms passing her sister got really sick, had a brain hemorrhage and has been unconscious since February. It is horrible for my family right now. Since she was at home sick I have been helping to care for her, since being comatose I have been at the hospital about twice weekly. There was hope at one point but as of lately I haven’t been able to handle the emotions of being there. So I took a break. She started making me feel really bad about this. It is hard to say how she does it, it is never a direct comment with her she just makes these indirect comments aiming to make me feel bad for not going. Well I stood my ground and didn’t go for 2 weeks. I was working two jobs, dealing with her and starting to get really emotional with mothers day coming up and do you think she or my family supports it? No they just want you doing what they want it feels like. Sometimes I feel some of this behavior is not as bad as I make it sound but since the trauma I have recently endured I cannot take it. There are so many different things she does. This is not the only thing. She was talking behind my back about this to family members and I started to isolate because she was making me feel so shameful and then I realized no, I am not going to let her isolate me from my family so I reached out and took my grandma out and also helped her re decorate her bathroom, I went to lunch with my other aunt twice in a row, and reached out to my aunt’s husband who is comatose and let him know I was ready to go see my aunt again and that I had to take a break. I feel much better but as depressed as I was I was ready to isolate myself from family. Thank God I didn’t. Since doing these things the aunt I live with has totally withdrawn from me. She has been dodging me at home and last night she came home and didn’t even yell Hi to me downstairs like she always does. I truly believe she is jealous of anything I do or anyone does for that matter. For years she has downed her son and made him look like a terrible person, and he has done some really crappy things to her, but now I am starting to see how she has played a roll. She has isolated him from family by bad mouthing him to everyone who will listen, making herself look like the victim. I will not let her do that to me. I am a good person and will never do as she wants me to but I do what I feel is right. I have been buying dressed and shoes for spring, the next days she posts her new shoes by the door. The same exact amount I bought. It is like instead of being happy for anything I do she is in competition and makes me feel bad about myself. I am on a loving me trip and I have been doing things for myself because it keeps me out of depression, I don’t do it to show her anything. There have been times I come home so happy and she will say something completely down and sad to get me out of my happy state.  She has a big yard and loves planting and gardening. I let her know from day 1 that I am not into it but would pay half for any maintenance just like I did with winter and snow which she had a problem with. She doesn’t want to pay for maintenance and has been doing it herself. So I have helped as much as I seen fit. I understand she is a 60 year old woman but I will not be manipulated into helping. If she would simply ask me, Can you help me in the yard this weekend? I would say yes. But with my own limits. Instead she leaves gloves and yard tools by the door as a hint. I just totally ignore it, is this wrong? She has told people I am lazy because I don’t do it. She has insinuated I am lazy, and will say passive aggressive things like ” oh I am sure you can use a break today”. I feel bad for her. I realize people who do these things are severely unhappy and it hurts me but I don’t take on the responsibility any more of trying to make these type of people happy. And that is the hardest thing for me. I always felt I needed to save people but I realize some people do not want to be saved. I have tried to give her advice, told her to live her life because all she does is work and come home and judge everyone elses life. Especially her son’s life, she talks every day with his dad and they thrive off of judging everything him and his woman do and what they don’t do. It is so unhealthy. I really thought my aunt was trying to support me but I really think she thought me coming here was going to have someone to control and do anything she wanted, I think she thought I would be home with her everyday, I think she thought she was going to have like a kid again. But instead I am hardly home, very independent and work two jobs, and will not do what she wants. Sometimes I feel rude because I live in her home but I do my share. I keep all of my quarters clean, no I do not clean her house and I think she feels I should help.  Same with the yard, I had my father come and completely set up all the big yard furniture. Nothing is enough for this woman! I feel better because if I was in better spirits I probably would help more since she is elder but I am healing, sometimes I do not feel like getting out of bed. I hardly have the energy to clean my basement area sometimes. I am still hurting. I have been working two jobs. Am I wrong? Be honest with me. I am so unsure sometimes.

    Oh and I forgot to mention how she came home 3 different times in the last month and caught me crying and came by me and literally acted as if she care and then asks me if I lost my job? Of all things. I think she wants me to lose my job because she hates that I work from home. She bangs anything she can in the morning to make sure I am up as early as her.

     

    All in all this may sound like dumb things but they are very hurtful to me right now, since I thought she asked me to come here knowing I was in the process of getting my life together and out of support but just like the rest of the world I feel she asked me here for her own needs.

    #293041

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    Your aunt is a bad person. The following is enough to indicate this to me: “For years she has downed her son and made him look like a terrible person… She has isolated him from family by bad mouthing him to everyone who will listen… She talks every day with his dad and they thrive off of judging everything him and his woman do and what they don’t do”.

    You wrote, “I will not let her do that to me. I am a good person”-  but so was her son when she turned against him. He was good too. But she was not and is not good.

    “I always felt I need to save people but I realize some people do not want to be saved”- interesting, you are trying to  save your aunt while it is you who needs to be saved from her.

    She is behaving the way she wants to behave. You don’t hear her coming to you with regrets about her behavior, do you? She doesn’t knock on your basement  door and say: maybe I shouldn’t bad mouth my own son and sorry I bad mouth you too behind your back. She is okay with her behavior.

    You asked me: “Am I wrong?” regarding your behavior, the behavior that your aunt disapproves of- my answer: no, you are not wrong. Her son as a child wanted nothing more than to please his mother and father as all children do, until his mother (and father) turned against him. What should he has done once they turned against him? Submit and say: I will do anything and everything you want me to  do?- well he already did that to the best of his ability, as a child and in vain. So as an adult, an older adult, I assume, should he yet again knock on his mother’s door and say: forgive me for displeasing you, I will do anything and everything you want me to do, just please tell me what it is you want me to do.. and not do, give me a list, a set of directions…?

    And this is my point: your aunt does not want to be  pleased by either her son or by you. She has this angst and her solution to  it, being as short term as it is each time, is to bad mouth people. She enjoys it and she will not let you take that joy away from her.

    And so, I say: move out of your aunt’s. And stay out and away.

    anita

     

     

    #293077

    Nichole
    Participant

    Anita,

     

    It is so hard to hear you say that even though I know it is true. I am not sure how my cousin was as a child but as an adult he is a womanizer, he cheats on every girlfriends and there has been over 50. He uses people and has disrespected people greatly so for years I have always had her side. It is so scary and freaky to think she caused him to be that way. It is similar to my ex. And his mother I believe was some of the same. I do not believe these women choose to hurt people like this. My aunt is always there for everyone in the family when they need help. She helped me a great deal, I honestly don’t know what I would have done without her during those times. I do agree she has this angst. something I see most people have lately. She feels better about herself if she is talking about someone else. But I see this done to her by her elders so it is a pattern. That is where my compassion kicks in. Similar to my mom, my grandma, my other aunts. They were being the way they were raised. I don’t think my mom truly mean to hurt me or either my aunts to their children. My family are not cruel intention ed people but they have bad bad behavior that they learned and it hurts people. It’s hard not to want to save them. I love them. If I move from my Aunt, she was my final support in family. So sad for me. I am afraid to make another leap and change. I have been through so much Anita! Also I am trying to understand the good in people as the bad. For instance my father hasn’t been much of a dad AT ALL in my life. He has done so much damage and is still very inconsistent. But recently we have hung out and he has been there for me in his own way which has been helpful. He has admitted to things including not taking accountability for his actions. He said he wants to but when it comes down to it he chickens out. But he also offered what he could to our relationship. I know these people are not perfect but to have these connections have been lifelines for me as I walk alone in my journey. I don’t know just my thoughts.

    I really like to see the good in people because I know I am not perfect. I too when I was acting very co dependently was very selfish. I talked about people, judged people, and expected so much from people and probably shamed them. All unintentionally. So how can I judge these hurt people so harshly. Aren’t we all hurting after all?

    #293079

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    Your cousin was a good child, so was his mother, your aunt, and your mother… and every human being on the face of this earth.

    “I  don’t think my mom truly mean to hurt me or either my aunts to their children. My family are not cruel intentioned people”- they feel pain and then they do what it takes to feel better, no matter what it does to others. I suppose you are correct, their first priority is not to hurt others, it is to help themselves. It is only a side effect, that their behaviors hurt others, a side effect that… doesn’t concern them. It is their pain and their relief that concerns them.

    “I know these people are not perfect”- it is not realistic to expect people to be perfect, but it is realistic to expect people to be… less imperfect. For example, it is realistic to expect your aunt to not bad mouth her son or her niece, you, that is.

    The behaviors on your part, in the past, that you believe hurt other people, correct those so that you are honest and respectful in your dealings with others, this is how you earn your self forgiveness for past behaviors. To tolerate dishonesty and abuse from others as… a payment for your past behaviors, that does not make the world a better place because no one learns and correct their behaviors.

    You wrote that your aunt helped you and so did other family members, but let’s look at your aunt for now- she helped you and then she hurts you, helps you, hurts you, bad mouths you… isn’t it like someone giving you a cake and then punches you in the face? You can’t enjoy the cake once your jaw is dislocated.

    “I am afraid to make another leap and change. I have been through so much”- I understand. You don’t have to move out of your aunt’s home, really. You don’t have to do that, you decide.

    I don’t remember where this phrase comes from, maybe from the bible, “he gives and he taketh away”, something like that, he or she gives and then, h take away. Here is a cake, and here is a punch in the face, so to speak.

    anita

     

    #293195

    Nichole
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I agree with you as usual but why does this inner being in me always have a BUT. Like yes she shouldn’t bad mouth and yes others should have been more careful with their behavior but they also have done a lot of good for me. My aunt listened to me all the time when I first got here. She was very supportive. She let me sleep over before moving here all the time. She made me comfortable. And then she offered me to live here when my brother and I were having problems. So it is hard to cross her off and not feel bad for certain things. I know she has poor behavior. Especially when she doesn’t get what she wants. She doesn’t know how to ask for what she needs, she only knows how to manipulate. That is sad.

    I for the most part do not tolerate the abuse. I don’t do things she tries to manipulate me to do and I do not let her shame me when she tries to. I have been so strong and for that I am proud.

    I know I do not have to leave but for the most part I do think it is the best thing to do. I love her but I do not think it is a healthy environment during my healing journey. Plus I’d like to salvage whatever relationship we can. Hopefully moving away from her we can get back to the relationship we had. But that didn’t work out too well with my brother. Our relationship got worse after leaving.

    So the thing holding me back is the money I will “lose” 250 a month is 1250 in 5 months towards my savings. Which I think I can handle losing. But the space as well. I have a fully furnished basement with kitchen/bath/bedroom/living room and desk area. I will be downsizing into one bedroom but a big one where I can put a desk. A shared bath and kitchen with 4 other women. That is a huge change. HUGE. I love my space during the day as I work. I cook, clean, work and get ready for the day without any disturbance. But on the other hand am always trying to flee this house when my aunt is home. I have spent money on Hotels to get away. At least with strangers as roommates I can go directly to my room when I do not wish to be bothered and not have to worry about being shamed for it, at least I hope not. I am so confused.

    Another worry is the fact that my other Aunt is about to be sent to hospice and it will be a hard time for my Aunt and me and I feel bad leaving her at this time. My family may think I am heartless.

    I am having a hard time?

    But hate that I never get myself out of situations when I know I should. I should have got an apartment by myself as soon as I got here. I think that would have prevented my brother and I falling out as well as his girlfriend and I. It would have prevented my aunt I going through this. I can’t help but have that in my mind lately but am trying to have compassion for myself as I was lost when I first got here.

     

    #293203

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    “but why does this inner being in me always have a BUT. Like she shouldn’t bad mouth me… but they also have done a lot of good for me”- we need to be loved by others so to live, it is as important, or it feels as important to be loved as oxygen is to live. So we hold on to the “done a lot of good” as evidence of the love we need so acutely.

    Practically, your aunt was loving towards you when she listened to you, when she let you sleep over before moving, when she made you feel comfortable, yes, she was loving towards you, no doubt.

    But when “she doesn’t get what she wants”- she voids that love. She voids that love by intentionally shaming you (“I do not let her shame me when she tries to”).

    You wrote: “I do not let her shame me .. I have been so strong”- when loved, you can be weak because you don’t have to protect yourself; no one is trying to hurt you, so you can rest, no need to be strong, no war to fight.

    “I for the most part do not tolerate the abuse”- abuse voids love. There is no equal-time principle working here, how much love vs how much abuse.

    Abuse voids love.

    I think it is too bad that a person spends so much energy loving and then chooses to void it, not a good investment on the part of the loving-then-abusive person, but I don’t make the rules, and the rule here is … Abuse voids Love.

    “I do not think it is a healthy environment during my healing journey”- I agree. An abusive environment is unhealthy, it is sickening, really, it makes one sick.

    “I’d like to salvage whatever relationship we can”- let’s say you move out and visit her. She may be loving again, like before, but beware: she turned against her own son, he turned against you and she will turn against you again, it is a matter of time and circumstance.

    “I will ‘lose’ 250 a month is 1250 in 5 months towards my savings.. I have a fully furnished basement with kitchen/bath/bedroom/living room and desk area. I will be downsizing into a one bedroom.. A shared bath and kitchen with 4 other women.. I love my space during the day as I work. I cook, clean, work…. But on the other hand am always trying to flee this house when my aunt is home. I have spent money on Hotels to get away… I am so confused”-

    – if it wasn’t for the fact that you were already abused and adjusted to it best you could, you would have not even moved into your aunt’s house, and if you did, you would have moved out quickly. It is the adjustment to abuse early on that confuses you.  You closed your eyes in the past to abuse and focused on what you did have, the good you had, so you do the same now. You try your best to ignore the abuse and focus on the good, the space, the privacy.. when she is not home.

    “My family may think I am heartless”- heartless family may think you are heartless?

    “I should have got an apartment by myself… that would have prevented my brother and I falling out.. I would have prevented my aunt and I going through this”-

    – you are taking responsibility for what you are not fully responsible for, and for what you are not responsible at all. In regards to your aunt, you are not at all responsible for her behavior. Think about this: she had her son, a baby in her arms, totally dependent on her. As he grew up he looked up to her with nothing but love and hope. She turned against her own boy. He did nothing wrong to her when she turned against him. I suppose she did to him what she did to you: loved him and then voided that love.

    Do the right thing, Nichole: do not accept abuse by your family members because they are family. Remember my example of the cake and the dislocated jaw? Reject the cake (the lower rent, bigger furnished space) and you reject the dislocated jaw (more shame, more fear, more misunderstanding of what love is).

    Love is love and no abuse. What a concept, isn’t it, the idea that a person can be loving and never abusive, unbelievable…?

    anita

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