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GUILT AND PAIN AFTER MOTHERS DEATH

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This topic contains 404 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  anita 2 hours, 26 minutes ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 121 through 135 (of 405 total)
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  • #293597

    Nichole
    Participant

    Hi Anita, at this point it is unbelievable! I am so hurt. I think I am about to get my period because these last days have been hard!! I am so lost. Do you believe in projection and shaming? I know we disagree on narcissism but I do think my aunt is narcissistic and I believe when around her or even getting a call from her lately makes me feel shame and depression. I feel it’s because at this point I think she just wants to win because she knows I am on to her behavior and keep my boundaries. It hurts I am not going to lie. Like hell because sometimes it feels just like when I left my ex! Like starting all over. I don’t know how I got myself into this mess. I honestly don’t understand why I put myself in abusive situations. It is so scary. I am going to look at another place tonight and haven’t heard back from the woman I spoke to originally. I am so ready to get out! I feel like I need to live alone but that would pro long my dream of owning, so you think it is worth it? Also I am tempted to go back to Florida because so far I have been defeated by family. They do not want what I am serving and vise Versa! It’s heartbreaking and terrifies me thinking of being in this world alone. So sad today

    #293605

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    But you are not “in this world alone”. You  are in your family alone, not in the world alone. You will find your family, just  not in your bio family. And not in Florida with that man.

    There is more to this world than your bio family and that man in Florida. These are all you know, but there is more, plenty more than the little you experienced (this one small family and this one man in Florida.

    In this vast world there are a few people you didn’t meet yet, don’t lose hope.

    (I hope you move  out of your aunt and stay out. She is not a good person. I know it because she turned her back on her own son long ago, not regretting it, continuing to bad mouth him).

    I will be back to the computer in a few hours.

    anita

    #293623

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    I am thinking about you, wondering how you are feeling and what happened since you last posted.

    anita

    #293637

    Nichole
    Participant

    Hi Anita, wow such an interesting twist. I was in the despair of depression earlier between the situation with my aunt and just life. I managed to get out of bed and started to do things for myself. I reached out to a cousin and had a good conversation. My aunt came home in a great mood and offered me dinner. I said ok. Sweet as pie tonight. Asked me how I handled mother’s day. We discussed my other Aunt going into hospice and losing her and she held me while I cried and she cried herself and I held her. It was actually really nice. I feel much better letting the crying out and having her be nice to me. I am not naive this time, I understand she has problems and this is just a good time with her until the next punch in the face as you call it. But it was still nice because she has been cruel.  Anita it is hard for me because I am so compassionate but I’m not naive anymore. I feel bad people who are hurting like that. It is not easy to sit in pain. I do it without projecting it on anyone. It is painful work!! Definitely not for a weak person. She cried tonight regarding her son. I tried to make her understand she is sometimes wrong but that didn’t go over too well. I told her she needed to focus on herself more instead of judging others. I told her it was holding her back from happiness. I know she will not take my advice. And I know I still have to leave. I am leaving this house. I am hoping she won’t hate me and we can continue a distant relationship. Family is so important to me and it’s hard to think I have to shut them out.   I am very nostalgic right now when we are facing losing my aunt who was a sweet kind soul without a bad bone in her body. She was my moms sister. She was an amazing giving person who suddenly developed a disease and it has taken over her body. Things are in a different perspective at this very moment which worries me that my priorities and feelings change so much. But that life is so short, how can we turn on family. They are not all good including my aunt but they have  good things about them. My aunt is at the hospital with my aunt all the time supports my grandma, there for her brothers and open house to me, and there for anyone who needs it. None of us are perfect. Before living with her I had no problem with her. I have to love family from a distance I believe. I am feeling  very nostalgic. It worries me because I keep getting hurt.

    #293677

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    I am glad you felt better last night. This is what made it better for you:

    1. “I managed to get out of bed and started to do things for myself”- you functioned effectively regardless of how you felt, that builds confidence in oneself and that confidence is a good feeling.

    2. “I reached out to a cousin and had a good conversation”. Good social interactions make us feel better because we are.. social animals. It doesn’t have to be family we reach out to, it can be people in a support group, let’s say, who meet once a week to talk.

    3. “My aunt came home in a great mood and offered me dinner”- we need the people we live with to be predictably okay, not angry, upset. Other people’s anger scares us. So when she came home in a good mood and friendly, you felt safe and safe is a good feeling.

    4. “she held me while I cried and she cried herself and I held her”- that is an excellent recipe for feeling better, crying while being held. A friendly physical touch is most important (this is why support group meetings often end with members holding hands in a circle).

    -“It is not easy to sit in pain… It is painful work!! Definitely not for a weak person”, true. And when you manage to do it, you experience your own strength, you build confidence in yourself being a strong person.

    – “She cried tonight regarding her son. I tried to make her understand she is sometimes wrong”- some people, a lot of people, prefer to see a person hurting to admitting a wrongdoing on their part. She will cry regarding her son.. until you suggest she did something wrong.

    “They are not all good, including my aunt but they have good things about them. My aunt is at the hospital with my aunt all the time.. there for her brothers and open house to me.. . None of us are perfect”- if your aunt continues to be good to your other aunt in the hospital, then it is a good thing, to use my analogy, she consistently gives her cake and no punch in the face. Otherwise, the punch in the face voids the cake.

    No person is always bad, there is no such thing. The cruelest, most violent criminal is good sometimes to some people in his or her life. Do you want to associate with a violent criminal because he is sometimes good to some people, to you?

    Well, there are people who are not cruel, people who’s goodness you can depend on, people who will not hurt you when they don’t feel good, people who do no harm to others no matter how distressed they feel. That kind of person makes the best family, regardless of genetics.

    anita

    #294315

    Nichole
    Participant

    Anita, last night I watched my aunt in. A coma practically die in hospice. I left before the final breathe but she was dying. I did not want to watch this and I did. My whole family was there. It was horrible. I am lost. Frightened. And back at square one in life if not negative square one. I don’t know what to do right now. I can’t process this. I am lost. Why did I watch that? How did her husband and my family practically make us go? No love or support just power trips and projection. I feel so much shame. I feel like my life will mean nothing. I am so lost right now. I am in a dark dark place. I need help. I’m scared

    #294335

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    You had a difficult experience which made you feel horrible. These painful feelings do not indicate that you are back to square one, only that you feel as badly as you felt when you were in square one.

    You learned things since you posted first, here. What you learned, you didn’t forget.

    Please, aim at not being overwhelmed by your feelings, however intense they feel, they are only feelings, meaning, you are still alive, you are still here, and you have a job to do, to learn more and continue to move toward a better understanding of life, and a better experience of life.

    What were those “power trips and projections”, you mentioned, and the “so much shame” you feel in the context of having watched your aunt die?

    anita

    #294337

    Nichole
    Participant

    You are right and I keep telling myself they are just feelings. That is all. But I continue to feel so shamed. It’s also physically affecting me. I feel sick to my stomach. My chest hurts. The shame I feel is the passive aggressiveness that my family are all playing a part in. Basically my aunts husband has made me feel like the smallest thing in the world. Like nothing I did throughout this time was good enough. I have been there for the last three months. I have been visiting. Listening. Supporting and offering advice. And he basically is very clear and full of shame himself and I just feel he placed in all on me and not just me. To the hospice unit yesterday he wore a shirt that said “y’all need jesus” if that wasn’t a statement I don’t know what is. Also my aunt whom I live with continues with her aggressiveness. Was so fake throughout this time and watching people believe in her makes me sick to my stomach. In front of anyone one said “I told Angel (my aunts husband) that WE would buy and set up refreshments for the wake, you kinda like I did for your moms wake” but in a rude cruel manner. It was like a stab to my heart. I’m so drained. I cannot even imagine going to this funeral. I again felt like I was in a sharks tank. I am sick

    #294349

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    Time to get out of the “shark tank”, it is making you sick. It happened again and again, you crave family and you end up in a shark tank.

    I grew up in such a family myself and I too was sick because of it. I am still healing from this kind of sickness. What can I say, Nichole, I can’t change your shark tank any more than I was able to change the shark tank I was in myself.

    After decades wasted in my life, wasted on … swimming with sharks and hoping they turn into those friendly dolphins, I recommend that you stop the waste of your life as soon as possible.

    Your chest hurting, this emotional pain that you feel, listen to the message behind it- isn’t the message: make this pain stop, get me out of the shark tank?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 3 months ago by  anita.
    #294355

    Nichole
    Participant

    Anita, the reason I feel this way is because this has happened to me many times and I often wonder role I play. I have been in many shark tanks. Is it me? My ex and his family in the end put me in shark tanks and also now my family. It has happened to me in work places as well. Is it always someone else fault. I always consider how I could be better and what I do wrong. I’m in so much pain. Do I ditch the funeral? I’d be public enemy 1 if so. They might try to kill me.

    #294361

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    “They might try to kill me”- what do you mean???

    “I always consider how I could be better and what I do  wrong”.

    Question: does your aunt ever consider that? Your dead aunt’s husband who wore that shirt to the hospital? Anyone other than you in that family fish tank?

    Or your ex boyfriend, did he ever consider being wrong? His  mother, his family members?

    anita

    #294369

    Nichole
    Participant

    But then wouldn’t it make me just like them if I don’t try to be a better person?

    Please tell me I won’t feel this shame forever?

    I feel so dark and numb and lost Anita

    nit sure what to do with this wake

    #294371

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    No, you will not feel this shame forever. I assure you, in the context of your parents and older brother, you were never wrong. I will be away from the computer for a bit over an hour, then be back for a few moments and gone again until tomorrow, I sure hope you feel better real soon, today!

    Post again today, I will answer shortly when I return.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 3 months ago by  anita.
    #294411

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    Please be good to yourself. Post anytime, if there is something unclear to you about what I posted to you this morning, do ask me to about it and I will answer when I am back to the computer in about 20 hours from now.

    anita

    #294435

    Nichole
    Participant

    I went really numb and still feel this way for hours now. Am I the narcissist? Am I the one who is causing this? I am in pain I do not like feeling numb.

Viewing 15 posts - 121 through 135 (of 405 total)

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