July 31, 2019 at 8:24 am #305831
Literally every memory it feels like. Childhood, ex, mom, cousins, family, school. Every time I ever felt shame. Every fear. Every worry. Replaying over and over. Vividly like it’s happening again!July 31, 2019 at 8:31 am #305833
It hurts Anita
i have had many post like this
but this is a volcano eruption
it has been too many traumas after another
my mind and body are suffering greatly
im not a broken record this is really happeningJuly 31, 2019 at 8:33 am #305835
Are you managing to accomplish practical tasks and work every day while this is happening? If so, how do you manage to accomplish any practical task while this on-and-on movie is playing in your head?
anitaJuly 31, 2019 at 9:50 am #305879
Honestly not really
Rough times AnitaJuly 31, 2019 at 10:14 am #305889
Your life situation as it is, you can’t make it better by remaining in the same mental situation. You have to get to a better mental situation. The mental situation you are in now is something like this: a hurt, angry child throwing an anger tantrum, being on a strike of sorts, crying out: this is not fair and I am not getting better until (someone) makes it fair!
This mental situation, or state, is not helping you.
I figure you are thinking (aren’t you?)- but I am not choosing this mental state, I can’t help it!
Maybe you can’t. And yet, hope for you is in changing this mental situation.
anitaJuly 31, 2019 at 10:20 am #305893
That’s what I was doing before all this happened. I continue my talks with myself but my subconscious has gotten louder and faster and aggressive. I’m trying with all my might soul and power. 🙁July 31, 2019 at 10:40 am #305901
Your subconscious, you wrote, “has gotten louder and faster and aggressive”- trying to tell you something, correct; it got louder because you weren’t hearing what it was saying?
What is it saying to you, what does it want you to hear?
anitaJuly 31, 2019 at 10:51 am #305907
I’ve been trying to figure this out. I lay meditate and ask my body. I look in the mirror and ask. I know being alone has tooken its burden on me strongly but I continue meditating and telling little me I’m safe and no danger. It works momentarily and then the visions and flashbacks continue triggering me I believe. And I believe it’s happening when I sleep and that’s why I can’t stay asleep. I know this and still can’t figure out how to calm down. It’s sad all I want is peace and all the poor little girl who is damaged wants is chaos. I’m two people stuck! I believe the little girl in me needs s safe place and love. I’m giving her both. What else can I doJuly 31, 2019 at 11:16 am #305923
I didn’t understand: “all the poor little girl who is damaged wants is chaos”- can you explain, what kind of chaos does this poor little girl in you want?
anitaJuly 31, 2019 at 11:52 am #305935
I don’t mean she literally wants chaos but it seems that way.
i also know sleep deprivation isn’t helping but that is from stress so hand in hand.
heres what I know
ive made some bad decisions
My life and real relationships are all out of control
i didnt do this intentionally and worked hard against it but I’m a pre conditioned mess
i got my apartment tomorrow
i want to fix relationships or at least respond to family situations because left undone keeps me in the flight response I believe. I reacted irrational when I was scared and it’s driving me crazy the control I don’t have.
I know now that I was mistreated but also know it may not have been personal and I reacted to it as if it was. Because little Nichole is constantly looking for abuse as you say. This is true.
she was abused so early on and is terrified for it to happen again. When I realized I was emotionally abused after leaving my ex and realizing my family had done it to scared me. I was looking for it everywhere. Which makes me not trust my decision to end all of these relationships.
i have no connections and it’s like going cold turkey off of drugs! I’m in withdrawal
i want to begin some connections somewhere with family because what I need a stranger can’t give me. But my family is invalidating and a bit much so I can’t trust myself to make a decision on that.
I dont trust myself at all right now!
Which sucks because I was working on that like hell!
ive lost trust in these bad decisions
i dont have movers
i don’t have cable box for work
i don’t have help
money is going down!
I dnt have a bed, my things are everywhere
my car needs maintenance
my body needs sleep
i need love and support!
I don’t know where to begin
i wrote this feeling like an 80 year old woman because of stress and tension!
Have you ever felt like that?
It feels like it won’t go away!July 31, 2019 at 12:34 pm #305941
When you were a child you were definitely neglected and abused. It is not possible for any child to not take it personally. A child automatically loves her mother and her father, and her older siblings and when that love is ignored, or betrayed, that is personal and it hurt like hell.
Question: did you think about calling your younger brother to help you move tomorrow? (Was there a fight between the two of you that ended with him not wanting anything to do with you?)
anitaJuly 31, 2019 at 12:45 pm #305949
I thought about it but can’t come up with a answer.
Its so hard for me to just let things go
well at this stress level it is
i feel like calling him or my father is saying it’s ok what you did to me since I never responded to them
also not sure I want family knowing I have an apartment here
i may say I left town and be alone from them?
but see my decision making is poor
with constant thoughts and stress levels at all time high I’m shaky and uneasy and it sucks
none of this was my plan
life was going ok, I worked hard to get to a better place and I’m so defeated!