Dear Nichole:

“but why does this inner being in me always have a BUT. Like she shouldn’t bad mouth me… but they also have done a lot of good for me”- we need to be loved by others so to live, it is as important, or it feels as important to be loved as oxygen is to live. So we hold on to the “done a lot of good” as evidence of the love we need so acutely.

Practically, your aunt was loving towards you when she listened to you, when she let you sleep over before moving, when she made you feel comfortable, yes, she was loving towards you, no doubt.

But when “she doesn’t get what she wants”- she voids that love. She voids that love by intentionally shaming you (“I do not let her shame me when she tries to”).

You wrote: “I do not let her shame me .. I have been so strong”- when loved, you can be weak because you don’t have to protect yourself; no one is trying to hurt you, so you can rest, no need to be strong, no war to fight.

“I for the most part do not tolerate the abuse”- abuse voids love. There is no equal-time principle working here, how much love vs how much abuse.

Abuse voids love.

I think it is too bad that a person spends so much energy loving and then chooses to void it, not a good investment on the part of the loving-then-abusive person, but I don’t make the rules, and the rule here is … Abuse voids Love.

“I do not think it is a healthy environment during my healing journey”- I agree. An abusive environment is unhealthy, it is sickening, really, it makes one sick.

“I’d like to salvage whatever relationship we can”- let’s say you move out and visit her. She may be loving again, like before, but beware: she turned against her own son, he turned against you and she will turn against you again, it is a matter of time and circumstance.

“I will ‘lose’ 250 a month is 1250 in 5 months towards my savings.. I have a fully furnished basement with kitchen/bath/bedroom/living room and desk area. I will be downsizing into a one bedroom.. A shared bath and kitchen with 4 other women.. I love my space during the day as I work. I cook, clean, work…. But on the other hand am always trying to flee this house when my aunt is home. I have spent money on Hotels to get away… I am so confused”-

– if it wasn’t for the fact that you were already abused and adjusted to it best you could, you would have not even moved into your aunt’s house, and if you did, you would have moved out quickly. It is the adjustment to abuse early on that confuses you.  You closed your eyes in the past to abuse and focused on what you did have, the good you had, so you do the same now. You try your best to ignore the abuse and focus on the good, the space, the privacy.. when she is not home.

“My family may think I am heartless”- heartless family may think you are heartless?

“I should have got an apartment by myself… that would have prevented my brother and I falling out.. I would have prevented my aunt and I going through this”-

– you are taking responsibility for what you are not fully responsible for, and for what you are not responsible at all. In regards to your aunt, you are not at all responsible for her behavior. Think about this: she had her son, a baby in her arms, totally dependent on her. As he grew up he looked up to her with nothing but love and hope. She turned against her own boy. He did nothing wrong to her when she turned against him. I suppose she did to him what she did to you: loved him and then voided that love.

Do the right thing, Nichole: do not accept abuse by your family members because they are family. Remember my example of the cake and the dislocated jaw? Reject the cake (the lower rent, bigger furnished space) and you reject the dislocated jaw (more shame, more fear, more misunderstanding of what love is).

Love is love and no abuse. What a concept, isn’t it, the idea that a person can be loving and never abusive, unbelievable…?

anita