Morning both,

First – big virtual hug for Kkasxo – whilst I know you don’t need it and you will get through today just fne, just wanted you to know we’re here supporting you through.  You have come such a long way, it’s ok to be scared of slipping back. But just the fact you can recognise the possibility, that you can see the difference means it won’t last. The day will go on and finish, just like any other day and then you can hopefully take some time out to say to yourself, there I did it again, I’m ok still, I’m still here. Take care and see you on the other side soon. I’m glad your family are still around for now.

Shelby. Ha, was just winding you up about the old thing 😉   It’s great to hear about your friend from Oz – she sounds perfect to have as support in place, awesome. Yep, travel planning really is just a long list of stuff to work through, a bunch of practical problems that can all be solved.

I’m also happy (?) to hear your therapist wants to talk about your mum with you. I know it’ll be scary to open up and revisit such hurt but I also know you trust them to guide you through it safely so you can realise you are ok. Losing your mum and then again losing your best friend/dad’s second partner was a huge impact in your life, impossible for me to imagine but I can’t see anything but good coming from dealing with the pain, anger and loss of trust it likely caused you, in a safe, secure, trusting environment. You know they would both want you to be as happy as you can be and if this step helps you towards it, nothing but admiration for you in taking it.

It is also amazing it is to ‘hear’ you talk about quitting your job in a few weeks now, just being able to say/write it is a huge step I think.  I absolutely get the not being able to let go of being broken. As I remember it, it’s like you don’t know who you are without it, it defines you so much, it’s all you’ve taked or thought about for ages and you don’t quite know what to do if you aren’t that person. It’s also scary to imagine letting go as it means admitting that part of your life is really over – I remember finding that especially hard, as it meant giving up on the anger at him and somehow letting him off the hook, so to speak.  As well as giving up on the hope that it’d somehow magically work out in the future. Neither of which was helping me obviously but at the time, it was all I had to cling to as letting those go meant I had to face forwards and get on with it all. So yeah, I get it, and eventually I imagine that like me you’ll reach a point some time where holding on just seems stupid too.  I actually then felt guilty about being happy for a while – how crazy is that?!

I don’t think the thing with your Dad is weird at all – quite the opposite. It’s literally you shouting out “but hang on a minute, you do know this isn’t where my life goes right”. Look at it as confirmation of you wanting different.  Curious though, and no need to answer as ever, but haven’t you ever been tempted to have your own place at all? I know it’s harder financially but it can be done. Else I can see why your ex became an escape route for you, a safe way out to the life you wanted. Is that how you think about it – that the only way out of your current life is to find a partner? As you know that’s not true, right?