Kkasxo,

I’ve been thinking about you a lot today. While I was on my walk in the countryside, I literally shove good vibes out of my body and asked the universe to take them to you wherever you are because you need them today. Anniversaries hurt. I think they can be said, even if they’re a good anniversary because they symbolise the passage of time. But yours is just that. In the past, something that happened you before. It is not the here and now. I still vividly remember my two emergency surgeries and to this day when I think about them I shudder as if I were right back there. It was traumatic for you, it makes sense. But it can’t hurt you now. Your brain is just running a re-run, which is normal. Things that hurt us in life, our brain (as a protective measure), will re-run them with the same intensity, less we forget and make the same mistakes again. It’s like what you talk about when you say it’s really old instincts and they date from prehistoric times. It’s okay ya know, but I promise you will be fine. Let it run its course and it’ll naturally fizzle out.

Yes you’re right. my family are not so aware of my plans to quit and travel. My sister and her husband know – they’re pretty much my best friends but I’ve no idea how I would break it to my Dad or how he’d manage. Tomorrow I’m meeting someone about a job I saw advertised that looks interesting, but if I travel, I won’t be able to apply for it, but I know someone who knows someone in the same company, so I said it could be no harm to meet for a casual cuppa and make the contact, who knows what will happen in the future.

Michelle, this is something my therapist finds…….unusual, or perhaps amusing! I always felt the home I left my home house for, would be my final dream home with my dream man! I know, could I get any more Disney! But that’s just how I feel. My older sister used to encourage me years ago about buying property and getting on the ladder, but it was never for me. I never felt like buying a flat or whatever for the sake of it and secondly, I think she vastly underestimated what salary I was on!

Last summer, I did go see a mortgage advisor about trying to get something on my own. I was with my ex at the time, but it was my way of trying to take control of the situation and creating my own space and if he eventually moved in with me, so be it. The options were limited to say the least on my 4-day salary. Basically if I scrimped and saved and didn’t go outside the door for the next 20 years, I could afford to build a very small cottage/house for myself on a family site about a mile from where I grew up. To be honest, I just didn’t feel like taking on that responsibility at the time either and what if I hurt my back again and ended up out of work, you’re solely responsible for the bills each month, at least when you have someone to support you half way, the burden doesn’t seem so big.

I do know I don’t really feel like urban living anymore, I’m kind of past that. Since I started uni when I was 17, I had lived in the city in various house shares or apartments and it was fun, but I’m more of a peace and quiet type girl now and I life fresh air and space! I guess I have princess wants on a paupers wage!

Travel anyway seems to be the priority for me right now and of course, that debt will push me back further from having my own home so it seems a bit too fantastical to have my own place any time in the near future.

I am sick of thinking about my ex, where he is, where he might be, what he might be doing, where his family are all home from abroad for the summer, he’s even taking up my sleeping time, constantly appearing in my dreams. For goodness sake, when does this phase (i hope) pass? I have been watching my diet lately and exercising as much as I can and am starting to see the difference a little and people have commented which is nice. It’s kind of giving me the motivation to continue. I have two music gigs Im supposed to be going to this weekend- Fri and Sat. The one on Sat is one of his favourite bands and while it’s unlikely he will attend, and even if he did, there will be thousands of people there and I’d probably not even see him, I’m nervous. I considered not going but then I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction but I also DEFINITELY don’t want to bump into him. In my head i can believe he is sad and bunkered down and forgive me….dead…..but if i see him out enjoying a music gig with his friends, I think I’ll break. It is my friends birthday though and I’m bringing her to the gig as part of her present, so I guess I’ll just bite the bullet and suck it up!

As for travel, I don’t know how long I would go for but Oz & NZ, Fiji would be on the list, my friend has recommended Kuala Lumpur for a few days too, so I need to find a good travel agent who is not affiliated with any companies, my friend said for a large trip like this, possibly round the world, travelling solo, a travel agent is usually a good bet, so we’ll see! Eek, I might for for two weeks and be in bits and arrive back home!