Dear Tannhauser:

From your previous threads: “I have hypopituitarism.. damaged anterior gland and probable olfactory bulb damage.. low growth hormone levels and low testosterone levels… infertility.. I have osteoporosis… I have never met anyone of the opposite sex. I have been single since birth due to the hypopituitarism which has blighted my life… I had spent five years on dialysis surrounded by death and then I went through a kidney transplant at the end of it”-

You were born in 1970. At about the age of 37 you started dialysis, 2007-2012. At the age of 42 you received a kidney transplant and are on daily medications before and ever since. You are unemployed, on disability benefits, estranged from the Catholic church that was somewhat your home for many years and is no longer.

You wrote to me April 2017: “If I could describe to you how this all feels, I would ask you to go on You Tube and watch Bad Dream by Keane. Listen carefully to the words, they sum up my situation to perfection”. I googled Bad Dream today. I am making a short paragraph out of the lyrics:

“I wake up, it’s a bad dream. No one on my side. I was fighting, but I just feel too tired to be fighting. Guess I’m not the fighting kind. In a better time you could be my friend. Wouldn’t mind it if you were by my side.

April 19, 2017 you wrote: “I am mentally ill, and my tactile hallucinations are driving me up the wall… Why do I believe I was experiencing something spiritual when in reality it is mental illness?”

April 28, 2017: “no one is on my wavelength, so I have taken to creating my own world instead”.

Back to the lyrics: “In a better time you could be my friend. Wouldn’t mind it if you were by my side”- I wouldn’t have minded being your friend, being by your side. If I lived anywhere close to where you live. I would visit you, hold your hand. Maybe read to you about the gods of  ancient times, those which you talked about here over the years, so that you can rest, eyes closed as I read to you.

I would visit you, maybe twice a week. Not as someone volunteering their time for the less fortunate, no- that would be arrogant on my part, and perhaps humiliating to you.

I would be there by your side as a fellow human being who like you, knows how it feels to suffer alone, day in and day out, for what feels like eternity. While visiting with you, I would feel that together we make it  better for each other.

Please don’t hate me, Tannhauser, for typing these things, don’t tell me to f** off or such thing. What I typed here is from my heart. Don’t use my words against me, to hurt me. Ignore it all  if you want (that will be okay with me, truly), but don’t try to hurt me.

anita