Thank you all for taking the time to think about my situation and respond.
Im feeling embarrassed and sad after I read my own words and your comments. I’ve known for a long time that I don’t mean anything to him and that what I’m doing is pointless and hurtful for my husband and myself. And for MJ as well.
Anita, you’re right that there are no basis for a friendship. And I have been dishonest. Regarding the ‘7 pathetic years’ what I meant to say was that for 7 years I engaged in this pathetic game. My past 7 years have been great, I love my job, have accomplished a lot and have enjoyed spending time with my husband and our dog. Im sorry I didn’t write that correctly.
Peggy, I’ve always known that when he said that he wasn’t ready or looking for a relationship, it mean with me. It’s been clear that he never considered me as a potential girlfriend. Maybe that fueled me to continue the chase. I couldn’t take a no. I felt the rejection and the pain and all this time all I wanted was to get his attention in a way. I look back and remember that often times when he would text me often I would lose interest, I just wanted his initial response. Not sure how to explain it. Or if he would text me several times I’d get annoyed. I like the thrill of knowing he’s still paying attention to me, maybe a punishment for rejecting me all those years ago. I may be his distraction from a busy day. I think this has lasted so long in part because he would give and take in a way. There were times we barely talked and times he would see pictures that I was on vacation somewhere and he was upset I didnt tell him. When I got engaged he didnt talk to me for months. But then he would act disinterested and so on. Before I met my husband and he had another girlfriend I stopped texting him. He was the one texting me and sending me pictures. I decided to play the game and look where I am now. What a mess I am.
I thought about all of this last night and have felt so many emotions that have been building up for a while. I thought about how to put a stop to this. Do I send him a message saying that im ready to go on with my life and that our communication is not letting me move on or should I not say anything and delete snapchat? I feel like explaining things to him may be too much. It’s not like we are close friends. In any case I will take the first step to end this today. Thanks everyone and sorry for typos.
Tania
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 