conflicted

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This topic has 22 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 4 years, 9 months ago by Anonymous.

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July 25, 2019 at 12:52 pm #304885

Tania
Participant

Hi everybody,

I’ve been reading tinybuddha for years but never registered until now. There’s something that’s been eating me up for years and it has come to a point that I wanted to vent as I can’t really talk to a close friend about it.

I’m in my early 30s and got married 4 years ago to an amazing man. I love him. He is very handsome, kind, genuine and he loves me. I love him and Im attracted to him. We don’t have any children yet. Almost 7 years ago I met a guy (MJ) who has become an obsession. Seven years ago I was doing my surgical residency and he was a medical student. I saw him and was immediately drawn to him. We had what I’d describe as very passionate awesome 3 weeks. He was my first and I was head over heels. He pulled back and eventually told me that he wasn’t looking for a relationship but I ‘could just be around’. That was hard. I felt so hurt but pretended like I wasn’t interested and ignored him as well. It took me a long time to recover. It was hard on me. Very hard. I was able to get up again, go to work, live life and eventually met my now husband.

Approximately 3 years after meeting my husband, I saw MJ in the hospital. He was now a resident. We talked for a little bit and started texting sporadically. He would sometimes text at night asking ‘whats up’ i would reply something silly and so on. Years went by and we would just see each other in the hospital and talk. He ended up moving to another city to continue his training and so did I. We ended up adding each other on snapchat and have exchanged occasional hellos, how’s it going and some naked selfies ( i know, i know). about 2 years ago he posted a video of his girlfriend and it was hard. I felt depressed for almost a month. I told him about it and since then he never posts or says anything about his personal life. He knows im married. We talk about life in the hospital, future work, silly things but never bring up our romantic life. He has become an obsession that I can’t get over it. I tried deleting him, self help books, blogs, yoga, meditation you name it. I eventually come back to our snapchat. When I feel like I starting to move on, he sends me another text with a whats up and I just go back to square one. He seems to be in a serious relationship so I dont get why he keeps throwing me crumbs for me to pick up. My husband and I have discussed getting pregnant but my fear is that i will lose MJ forever. I think im reaching such a hard sad point now because he is finishing his fellowship in another city and will be looking for a permanent job and so am I. I think deep down I was hoping i will see him again but now i now that is not happening. The other thing that bothers me is that for 7 pathetic years we’ve been texting back and forth and he hasnt made any effort to see me. At the same time, I know that I will never really meet up with him because I would not do that to my husband. I am aware that I sound like a shallow, superficial cheater but know that I am weak and that I struggle with this obsession.

Any thoughts of someone going through something similar are appreciated. I don’t want him out of my life completely, I think one option would be to transition to a friendship, with both talking more about our personal lives and so on but Im just not sure how I will take it.

my sincere thanks,

Tanya

July 25, 2019 at 1:19 pm #304893

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Tanya:

I think you should separate from your husband before you have a child with him, that way you will be a single woman free to obsess about this man. Not that obsessing about him is a healthy thing for you, but at least, if you are single and without a child, your obsession will not hurt a husband and an innocent child that this marriage may bring into the world.

What do you think about my suggestion, that you separate from your husband?

anita

July 25, 2019 at 1:21 pm #304895

Anonymous
Guest

* didn’t reflect under Topics

July 25, 2019 at 1:35 pm #304899

Tania
Participant

Hi anita

Thanks for your response. I don’t want to separate from my husband. I love him, there’s nothing wrong with him and we have a happy life together. I know what im doing is wrong and I will stop.

July 25, 2019 at 2:00 pm #304905

Mark
Participant

Tania

I suspected that you knew you had to stop all along. Please keep us up-to-date when you’re actually done something to stop this or not.

Mark

July 25, 2019 at 4:41 pm #304919

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Tania:

Almost 7 years ago you met a guy, “had a very passionate 3 weeks”. After that you met another man and married him 4 years ago. During your marriage, at night, (perhaps your husband was sleeping and you went to another room) you took photos of your naked body, and sent him those photos. He in turn sent you naked photos of his body.

Your complaint: “for 7 pathetic years we’ve been texting back and forth and he hasn’t made any effort to see me”-

-those “7 pathetic years” include your 4 year marriage to “an amazing man… Kind, genuine.. he loves me”- an amazing, kind, and genuine man who loves you makes for four pathetic years?

If the man you married really does love you, if he is kind and genuine, either set him free or make yourself worthy of him.

“he hasn’t made any effort to see me”- you wanted him to make an effort to see you, and if he did make such effort..?

“I don’t want him out of my life completely, I think one option would be to transition to a friendship”- but there is no basis to a friendship, all the communication you had with him in the last 4 years was a very casual talk in the hospital and “what’s up” on texts plus naked selfies. If you want a friend, why not aim at a friend who has more to say than “what’s up?”

Honestly, you desire a man who is not your husband. For as long as you communicate with him, it is desire that motivates you, not friendship.

“I am weak”- what about honest?

anita

July 26, 2019 at 3:33 am #304961

Peggy
Participant

Hi Tania,

I think it’s time you faced some facts. You have both moved on from the amazing three weeks that you spent together with this man who, despite being in his mid 20’s (I guess), decided that he wasn’t looking for a relationship. This was a polite way of saying he didn’t want to be in a relationship with you. He wasn’t as in awe of you as you were with him.

I think it’s time you developed the seven year itch and stopped being “around” for this “what might have been” obsession that you have. You would have been his “serious relationship” and someone else would have been his “around girlfriend”. For some stupid reason, you are both playing the same game, and that is all it is. The reason yoga, meditation, self help books etc. haven’t worked for you is because, pure and simply, you don’t want them to.

The fact is that you have already lost MJ. You just haven’t had closure. You can’t possibly continue a friendship with this man that you keep obsessing over. He is a threat to everything that you should be holding dear – your marriage, your husband, your future, which may or may not include the children that you have been discussing.

Look back fondly on this romance by all means but, for your own sake, put it where it belongs, firmly in the past.

Peggy

July 26, 2019 at 5:52 am #304969
Tania
Participant
Thank you all for taking the time to think about my situation and respond.

Im feeling embarrassed and sad after I read my own words and your comments. I’ve known for a long time that I don’t mean anything to him and that what I’m doing is pointless and hurtful for my husband and myself. And for MJ as well.

Anita, you’re right that there are no basis for a friendship. And I have been dishonest. Regarding the ‘7 pathetic years’ what I meant to say was that for 7 years I engaged in this pathetic game. My past 7 years have been great, I love my job, have accomplished a lot and have enjoyed spending time with my husband and our dog. Im sorry I didn’t write that correctly.

Peggy, I’ve always known that when he said that he wasn’t ready or looking for a relationship, it mean with me. It’s been clear that he never considered me as a potential girlfriend. Maybe that fueled me to continue the chase. I couldn’t take a no. I felt the rejection and the pain and all this time all I wanted was to get his attention in a way. I look back and remember that often times when he would text me often I would lose interest, I just wanted his initial response. Not sure how to explain it. Or if he would text me several times I’d get annoyed. I like the thrill of knowing he’s still paying attention to me, maybe a punishment for rejecting me all those years ago. I may be his distraction from a busy day. I think this has lasted so long in part because he would give and take in a way. There were times we barely talked and times he would see pictures that I was on vacation somewhere and he was upset I didnt tell him. When I got engaged he didnt talk to me for months. But then he would act disinterested and so on. Before I met my husband and he had another girlfriend I stopped texting him. He was the one texting me and sending me pictures. I decided to play the game and look where I am now. What a mess I am.

I thought about all of this last night and have felt so many emotions that have been building up for a while. I thought about how to put a stop to this. Do I send him a message saying that im ready to go on with my life and that our communication is not letting me move on or should I not say anything and delete snapchat? I feel like explaining things to him may be too much. It’s not like we are close friends. In any case I will take the first step to end this today. Thanks everyone and sorry for typos.

Tania
- This reply was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by Tania.
July 26, 2019 at 6:15 am #304973

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Tania:

You are welcome. You wrote to me: “you’re right that there are no basis for a friendship. And I have been dishonest”. This is not a friendship and you have been dishonest; let’s look for what this is then and aim at being honest:

“Almost 7 years ago I met a guy… I saw him and was immediately drawn to him. We had what I’d describe as very passionate awesome 3 weeks. He was my first and I was head over heels. He pulled back and eventually told me that he wasn’t looking for a relationship but I ‘could just be around’. That was hard. I felt so hurt but pretended like I wasn’t interested and ignored him as well. It took me a long time to recover. It was hardon me. Very hard… I felt the rejection and the pain.. all I wanted was to get his attention… Wow I’m a mess”-

This sentence: “It took me a long time to recover”- clearly you didn’t recover yet from that heartbreak. Those three weeks meant so much to you, very intense, a first of its kind, an inside-out kind of experience, you were all in it… and not recovered yet.

I think that it will be a good idea for you to attend counseling or therapy, short term, maybe a few weeks or months for the purpose of recovering from those intense three week relationship which in your mind and heart is not over yet. Maybe within that therapy, you will come up with the answers as to what to do next, and how.

What do you think?

anita

July 26, 2019 at 8:25 am #304993

Peggy
Participant

Dear Tania,

I am glad you have come to a decision to end this relationship that has turned into an obsession. Let me assure you that you are not a mess. This person has been giving you the attention that you ‘crave’ from him. He is feeding a need in you. Rejection is always painful and I am guessing that you have both been feeling rejected, even though it initially came from him. He hurt you and you proceeded to hurt him for seven years respectively.

I don’t think it matters how you end it but ‘thank you, it was nice while it lasted but we both know it isn’t going anywhere’ kind of text would give you both a chance to end it with dignity. Then change your phone number, delete snapchat and become unavailable.

You have so much going for you. I am sure your husband and your dog won’t say no to some extra attention.

Peggy

July 26, 2019 at 1:22 pm #305065

Tania
Participant

Thanks everyone,

I’ve been feeling bad about this for a while and this week I just couldn’t take it anymore. Your insight helped me. I realized Im being ridiculous and being dishonest and immature. I texted him this morning and although I had so many things to say, I took Peggy’s advice and kept it short. Tame Impala’s song, ‘eventually’ has been playing in my mind for days so the text I sent him had some tame impala vibes 🙂

I said: MJ, you know I’ve been drawn to you since I met you. Im changing and getting older, I need to move on. I’m happy to see all you have accomplished and wish you happiness. T

he read it but didn’t reply. A few hours later I deleted my snapchat account and blocked his cellphone number. It’s sad but I know with time we will both be happier. Thanks to Anita , Mark and Peggy for your advice. I couldn’t talk to anyone in my circle about this. To Anita, I will try to get better on my own before seeking therapy. My work schedule is tight.

Sincerely,

tania

July 26, 2019 at 1:41 pm #305067

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Tania:

Congratulations for sending that short, farewell message, for blocking his cell phone number and for deleting your snapchat account. You did the right things for yourself and for your husband.

You will probably feel weird for a while, I am guessing. You may feel so badly that you will want to contact him again. If this happens, please come back to your thread, and post what is happening in your mind and heart. Pause in between wanting to contact him and actually doing so. In that pause, at least one of the members replying to you will be glad to remind you what is the reasonable and honest thing to do.

anita

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July 26, 2019 at 4:39 pm #305093

Tania
Participant

Thank you. I will work on this and hope I can help people in the future like you all do.

T

July 26, 2019 at 6:40 pm #305109

Anonymous
Guest

You are welcome, Tania. Post again anytime, on your thread or elsewhere.

anita

July 27, 2019 at 7:16 pm #305249

Chloe Rose
Participant

Hi Tanya,

I just want to say I’ve been in a similar spot you’re in. It gets easier. In my experience, I hated myself for so long. I’m learning now that self hatred only kept me stuck. Interestingly once I started having self-compassion I was better able to move on. Everyone has something in this world they want but isn’t meant for them. You are not crazy, pathetic, anything. However, compassion for yourself doesn’t mean just do whatever you want. My intention, and it sounds like yours too, is to cultivate a great marriage. So keep making good decisions in that direction but understand you are human, just like the rest of us. Good job on taking those first tough steps and keep it up. Best of luck on this journey!
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