Hi Michelle,

I think I’ll stay on this thread, while a lot of stuff is going through my head right now, my split from my ex is still a big factor and all this is part of me, my story.

What if this change I’m going through is me just becoming a bitter mean person. What if I’m not a good person? What if I’m one of those people that others try to avoid ‘cos she’s so mouthy and a bit selfish. I don’t want to be that person either.

Anyway, I understand that this week is particularly difficult because of hormones and a reduction in my anti-anxiety medication. I’m a little disappointed it’s have such a significant impact as I was on such a low dosage as it was and now I’m only very little of it, but I guess I needed it more than I knew which makes me sad.

Also I got upset yesterday as I found out my little brother has been put on the same medication and while I was doing his girlfriends makeup for a wedding they were attending, no compliments I paid to him could get through to him. He was so down on himself, he looked fantastic but almost didn’t want to attend the wedding and was just so down. Now he was hungover too but he is struggling at the moment and it makes me worry and get so upset cos I don’t want him to have to suffer the life I’ve been suffering. I’d do anything to spare anyone I care about from this struggle. I don’t know what to do.

Anyway, I’m doing my friends makeup for a BBQ this afternoon for a bbq she’s going to, so I’m framing my day around that. I went for a walk this morning but other than that I can’t find much purpose to anything.

Im trying to be smart. I’m trying to think of the things I say to a close friend who suffers long term depression and anxiety, that it’s lying to her and she will know happiness and feel better one day, but Martha is out in full force tutting that ‘who am I trying to kid’…..you can’t magic away despair! I just wish I could feel that life will get better but I cannot shift the feeling deep inside that it’s over, nothing more to be done.

I don’t know if that has come from my ex leaving me, because the pain of that stabs me every half hour and thoughts of him, especially moving on, cut me like a knife. Or if I have come to the end of a cycle in my life of my job/living situation/friends. I don’t know.

I have therapy next week but I don’t know if it helps anymore. I have such immense respect and rapport with my therapist, I don’t feel like starting off from scratch with someone new who doesn’t know me, doesn’t know my ex, doesn’t know my family. I feel 3 years of therapy with one person is hard to try and shift to a new therapist.

I wonder each day about Kkasxo too and how she’s doing and how she pulled herself out of the hole and she evokes a positive outlook.

Thank you for explaining your story Michelle, I can completely understand that happiness didn’t just fall into your lap. From our interactions I get the sense that you did indeed put in the work to get where you are today. For me, I feel like I’m broken deep down, irreparably. I don’t know why, my mum, my step mum, my ex, the life I thought i’d have, who knows?! Or maybe I’d still be this person if none of those things happened.

Today I feel sick as the situation with my sisters is ‘fine’ for all intent and purpose. We’re talking again which is better than not, but it doesn’t feel…right. I also messaged someone I considered my best friend the other night. She lives near London so I don’t see her often but we have always remained besties. But in recent months, she has had a lot of stuff going on with work and her family. She doesn’t have a huge support structure where they live now and he children and active!!! So she has her hands full! But she often doesn’t reply to my texts anymore. Anyway the other night I messaged as I was in a really low point, as I always felt I could do this- and have done in the past and vice versa- but I received no reply which hurt a little. The next day she posts on social about being out for boozy lunch with her hubbie as they both had the day off, which was lovely but I don’t think I’d ever not reply to a struggling message from her, no matter what I was doing.

Sorry for going on, I suppose all the little things are adding up to the bigger things this week. Thanks as always for your support. You don’t have to and yet you do. It’s appreciated more than you can know. x