Dear Catherine:

“According to him, I’ve withhold affection when I am angry at him”- but everyone withholds affection when angry. Anger motivates all animals to fight, not to love.

“He said I get sad when he gets sad, and he doesn’t feel supported”- feeling sad when he feels sad is empathy, isn’t it? If he expected you to not be affected by his sadness, then he expected you to not have empathy for him.

“In the last few months.. I felt very distant from him.. I couldn’t shake off that ‘off’ feeling”- that off feeling was a consequence of his behavior and lies, beginning with sexting another woman, looking into your eyes and saying “Do you really think I can do that to you?”.

“I can’t stop blaming myself and my shortcomings and I can’t stop thinking maybe I did push him away with my negative traits… after that lie, I was slowly becoming worse, filled with anxiety, paranoia, and eventually depression (I’ve always had this but somehow this was triggered a lot.. I became .. Mean, angry, controlling, unkind, and miserable. He was so good to me and spoiled me.. he was so good to me in other ways. It’s why I blame myself now. Maybe it’s me, not him?”

– Who he is: he has a son. An ex girlfriend, not the mother of his son, told him to choose between her and his son and he chose that ex girlfriend. He is not in contact with his son although no longer in a relationship with that girlfriend. Now, who chooses a girlfriend over a son whom he brought into the world, and is it a surprise that a man who would do that will also replace a girlfriend quickly?

It will help if you have clarity on the issue of cause and consequence. When he sexted another woman and lied to you about it, you got angry and naturally, were not affectionate toward him. Him sexting and lying is the cause. You getting angry and no  longer being affectionate is the consequence.

Let’s imagine what it would take from you to keep him in a relationship with you and enjoy the ways he was so good to you: it would take you not questioning him, managing to not express any anger you feel toward him, knowing that he most likely is cheating on you but never brining it up. Could you live like that?

anita