Hi X,

Life gets so busy, doesn’t it?

Hi, GL,

Sorry for the delay, very busy month at work.

You contradict yourself. If having Rapunzel stayed in the tower was for the Witch’s peace of mind, then what was it that she fear would happen to Rapunzel should she leave the safe tower?

I am afraid I don’t understand what contradiction you see here.

The Witch may have been a control freak (as a possible version), so she didn’t care that much for Rapunzel, but for her own (the Witch’s) peace of mind. And for that, she needed Rapunzel in the tower. Why not?

And besides, if all Rapunzel knew was the boundaries of the tower, was she ever curious if there was more outside or was she content with not knowing?

GL, here I need to admit that I don’t remember all the details of this fairy tale. I am operating off the recent Disney animated feature film. Besides, to be really able to judge one needs to read the text in the original, unabridged version and, preferably, in the language it was written. Some translations made a long time ago allow for a certain liberty with the text akin to what happens when poems are translated as poems. I don’t know if anyone ever verified translations of fairy tales made, say, in the XIXth century against the original text. Yet, these may be the versions that are reprinted and reprinted. I don’t know, but I wouldn’t be surprised that if these fairy tales were translated now, the final texts may end up being quite different.

More than that, the mere genre of a fairy tale hardly ever provides insight into the motives or psychology of the protagonists.

According to Disney, she wanted out, but I cannot say that the Grimms explicitly say that she, like the Little Mermaid, wanted out to explore.

Fairy tales hardly ever give a full psychological portrait of the protagonists. There is a lot of room for speculation, just like you wrote yourself about Prince Charmings.

So if you choose to do something then they are allowed to obstruct not on the basis that they want to not allow you freedom, but precisely because they have the freedom to do so.

But that means the right that one has because one is stronger, doesn’t it?

I would say that in your example with work they are allowed to obstruct because the rules say that what I do is not allowed. And the rules are written by somebody with his or her own agenda in mind. Who pays the piper, calls the tune – this has always been the case, hasn’t it?

Pictures books are nice to look at for whatever age you are as it is made to be readable. But that is precisely why children are directed towards them, because their mind has not linked certain words to certain actions.

I am sorry, GL, why are you talking about books with pictures? Did something make you think I was opting for books with pictures? One of my favourite books that had a lot of fairy tales in it and counted close to 300 pages had no pictures at all. Yet, I kept reading and rereading it when I was 6 or 7 or 8.

Certainly, the adults around you probably meant well by directing you to the children’s section, but you still had the ability to go further. You had the choice to reach for other books that were not in the children’s section.

No, I didn’t “have the ability to go further.” You are making assumptions.

The children’s section was in one huge room, the adults’ (or teenagers’ starting age 14 or so) was in another. If I, a 7 or 8-year old (because at the age of 9 I read “The Three Musketeers” and fairy tales and myths were forgotten in favour of history and adventure novels) had shown up on the threshold of that other section, the librarian sitting by the entrance would have asked for my card (and one couldn’t borrow books without a card issued on the basis of one’s ID that showed date of birth) or, seeing that I was definitely not 14, would have taken me by the hand to the children’s section.

Again, that if I had known that adult versions existed and had come looking for them. And I didn’t even know that they existed back then.

Besides, I guess that I would have read a couple of pages of those adult versions and lost interest. Just like I didn’t particularly enjoy the Grimms’ fairy tales or Hans Christian Andersen’s.

Though I had the predisposition for horror and historical/fantasy fiction as a child so I was reaching the limits of picture books pretty quickly. It was so much more interesting to read about wars and monsters than cute fairy tales. I will have to thank a certain someone who had read to me ‘The Hobbit’ for the fantasy aspects.

Just a matter of taste, I guess. I tried to start “The Hobbit” several times as my cousins adored it, but my enthusiasm would fade after a couple of chapters. Stopped at the scene with spiders and could continue only when I was 20. Similarly, could never read further than a few pages of “Mary Poppins.” Found her boring and an abhorrent hypocrite. On the other hand, I loved “Nancy Drew,” but one of my professors later said that she thought her to be a terrible snob. Different strokes for different folks as they say.

Not every book is meant to be read by every person. A specialized translation of Shakespeare are meant for those who wished to understand it further, not for the passing reader who is only interested in the play.

Exactly. That is why adult versions of fairy tales are meant to be read by adults and are not to be found in library children’s sections.

What kind of life do you wish for yourself then?

I relate a lot to Professor Higgins from “My Fair Lady,” just replace “man” with “woman.”

I’m an ordinary man,

who desires nothing more than just an ordinary chance

to live exactly as he likes, and do precisely what he wants.

An average man am I, of no eccentric whim,

who likes to live his life free of strife,

doing whatever he thinks is best for him.

…

I’m a quiet living man,

who prefers to spend the evening in the silence of his room,

who likes an atmosphere as restful

as an undiscovered tomb.

A pensive man am I, of philosophic joys,

who likes to meditate, contemplate,

free from humanity’s mad inhuman noise.

Just a quiet living man.

With an addition of regular travels to spruce things up a bit. This is exactly the way I live now. BUT I have always dreamt of doing it all with a partner who could also add to my being certain that this way of life will continue and not change. And this is what I am looking for now.

What kind of meaning are you making for yourself?

I am no genius. I am highly unlikely to make a discovery that will dramatically improve people’s lives. I won’t find a cure from AIDS or cancer or invent a way to travel close to the speed of light. So I figure that the least I can do is to leave no trace, to inflict as little harm as possible. And on the contrary, to do as much good as possible within my means, as long as it doesn’t deplete my own resources, my own “battery,” which isn’t as powerful as some other folks’.

Ever wonder if the fact that you feel attracted to drive is because you wish for it yourself,

Yes, that was one of the things I came across in some article after the breakup and that made me think. Namely, that part of the reason for my being attracted to this guy and that guy is because they possess (or seem to possess) the qualities (or perks / comforts) that I wish for myself.

but fear the outcome should you actually want fame or fortune therefore the next best thing is to date someone who has it so that you can share that drive, but not take the burden of responsibility?

GL, I am sorry, I can’t quite make out what you were trying to say here. Could you rephrase or put proper punctuation marks, please?

So you say I wish the drive for myself, but fear the outcome? Why would I fear the outcome?

What does it have to do with “should you actually want fame or fortune”?

Or is it your suggestion that if I want fame and fortune, I should date somebody who has it?

And yes, I love the position of somebody who has the power to say yes or no, but not have responsibility. Kind of like those French women for whom men still open doors and carry heavy things, but who do have the right to vote and all other rights.

Also, it seems as if you think happiness is something you achieve by being in a relationship, not something you choose.

That may be so. I concede that it may very well be that once I am in a healthy loving relationship, after some time, all these feelings and doubts and lack of energy and whatnot will return. And then I’ll know by experience that this is something that I need to figure out myself and that cannot be remedied by a relationship.

(On the other hand, doesn’t Anita and didn’t Michelle both say to others that this or that mental issue will be healed once in loving relationship with a decent man?)

The problem is that, looking back, I have never been in a healthy loving relationship, so I can’t tell whether it is true or not.

Also, I was so elated when in the relationship. That feeling of bliss seemed to be so much more intense and lasting so much longer than feelings of joy, etc. that I had felt before, in any given point of my life.

That fact (however subjective for the given moment) AND the awareness that everything in life, such as fame, money, luck, etc. is fleeting and not lasting naturally reinforced that idea of me finally finding terra firma, something real to hold on. I took time, I waited, and finally, I found it or rather, my ex found me – just like those good beautiful fairy-tale princesses.

Throw in here the metaphysical conviction (or consolation) that I had made for myself before – that I hadn’t asked to be born and that I would have no problems trading everything I had in life, all the ups and downs and the uncertainty of existence against never being born, the non-existence.

So my logic went that since I was born, life or whoever made me born just HAD to make me happy.

So this relationship had absolutely no right not to be “true life.”

All that certainly contributed to my holding on for dear life as long as I could.

I actually need to thank my ex for falling for somebody else and dumping me, because given the character of his now ex-wife and mine, this situation would have lasted for much longer.

Probably, it would have lasted until I got tired of waiting. (Especially, if it became clear that he wouldn’t be coming to this country on business trips and wouldn’t make any effort to come on his own.). Then my interest would dwindle and then I would meet somebody else, like the guy “who led me on” who would meet my “external” criteria and seemingly meet my internal by pursuing me.

Love is not always about reciprocation but hoping for the other’s happiness and well-being, even if you can’t be with them.

What if they say that their happiness and well-being is being with you no matter what?

Why must you act on these attachments?

You said so yourself, right above: “But love, affection, warmth; those are wired into the evolutionary genes that was inherited again and again by the humans on this earth.”

I am a pretty healthy woman in my mid-30s and the last time I kissed the man I loved on the lips and made love to him was over five years ago. It was never my intention to become a nun. Do I need to elaborate further?

And I myself have tried too hard to meet the expectations of others only to have more expectations placed on me so I will say that I have had enough of forcing myself to meet other’s high standards of ‘enough’.

Key word: too hard. The golden mean of Confucius is a good rule to follow. Of course, one has to use one’s head, but if you acknowledge that the expected improvement on your side will be good for you, you would be a fool not to improve. And it is so much easy to improve when you know that the other side looks forward to it and has trust in you.

Accordingly, it is assumed that if one goes out with somebody, they are exclusive. The concept of dating several people at once until that exclusivity rings very foreign to me.

There are people who prefers polyarmory due to wanting more supports, more friendships and more people in their life.

I am talking about everybody’s tacit understanding that until you and your date have that exclusivity talk, it is assumed that both of you can be dating other people at that same time while figuring out with whom you have the most attraction and the most compatibility. I wouldn’t be able to do it because if I would it consider a waste of time to even date somebody if I am not attracted to him. (Compatibility and initial attraction, which is the same as chemistry for me) hopefully taken care of in previous interactions.)

That’s why dating isn’t always about finding a partner, it is also about making connections that might evolved into a friendship.

Sorry, there a million other ways to find friends other than dating.

And I would hate to lead the other person on if I am not interested in him romantically, but I can see that he is.

So if you were to give me his name then I could potentially find a few published articles on sites like JStor and such then? I’ve been more focused on neurology then psychology as of late.

I am not sure he has published any articles. I am only aware of the books I mentioned. I came across his books out there on the web five or six years ago when I was researching relationships in all the languages that I speak. Russian is one of them. This guy is Russian, his name is Andrey Zberovskiy, but I doubt that any of his books have been translated in other languages, even English.

But, say, in terms of excusing, aren’t those two different situations when the guy doesn’t phone even though he potentially can (can’t he step out of a meeting if it is a real emergency, for example?) versus he doesn’t phone because he is out in the wilderness with no mobile service coverage?

You’ll have to expand on this to make sense.

The meeting example is the example of weighing one thing against the other – what is more important – the phone call to be made or the meeting. Whereas if there is no mobile service coverage, one can’t do anything. Similarly, one can’t keep one’s promise to return home safe and sound from war if one is killed.

But again, GL, I read that five or six years ago, and my memory of this one is rather vague. I am still warming up to the idea of rereading the books because I remember seeing several seemingly contradicting statements and I wanted to jot them down to think them over in a more thorough way.

‘Females’ are socialized differently than perceived ‘males’ as any sociologists whom studied culture will tell you. Just as women are socialized to marry young and create a family since generation pasts, men are socialized to be the breadwinner and workers and protectors, etc. That plays a certain role in relationships because perceived were taught to be tough and strong while perceived females were taught to be weak and gentle. So while a female might be asked in when she is getting married, a male might be asked in how many times he is having sex. Different ‘gender’, different expectations.

So you do agree that males are taught to be tough and strong?

That guy, Zberovskiy, conducted lots of polls, sometimes describing a situation and asking what men and women would make of it. For instance, it never occurred to me that accepting a man’s invitation to a cup of tea after dinner at a restaurant (where they can’t brew a proper cup of tea, and I so much enjoy a cup of tea after dinner, not to mention the restaurant’s oversweetened desserts that I can hardly eat) at their place is perceived by at least 35% of men (65% act dependent on the situation) as not my accepting to continue the lively discussion we started but didn’t finish at the restaurant, but my accepting to have sex with them. I swear I never thought that men view it like it – and then, after I read it and after I looked back at some hand-holding initiated by men whom I considered to be solid friends and nothing more than friends – I realised how true at least that poll was.

Again, some polls didn’t show show any major differences in male vs female perceptions of the same situation, but some, like the one above, showed a major one. At least in my own vs men’s view.

In some cases, I remember, the author would say that to further filter the results he would rephrase the question and still get the same percentage distribution. So I guess that the answer to your question is yes, he took that into account.

Or else, the author made a point that some young innocent women like to talk about their previous relationships possibly in the hope that if they tell it all, the men will also tell it all. But men are cleverer than that: they listen to the women’s revelations and give only one or two accounts of their previous partners. Men are not fools, so Anita’s advice to talk calmly in a non-threatening tone to find out the truth flies out of the window. My ex would often refer to an anecdote when a woman asks her partner to tell her the truth promising no scenes and when he complies and tells her all the truth, she goes through the roof.

I do not understand your emotional state so you are the one who have decided whether you have moved on, but I will caution you that emotions are something you can ignore so you can program yourself to think that you feel this way or that way without really processing those emotions as they are. Though still wondering about the status of your ex is something to reflect on.

I stopped grinding my teeth at night. That was my unconsciousness “biting the bullet.” I started grinding them when the time came for him to keep his promise and he didn’t. That lasted until our breakup. One more sign that that relationship was so toxic for me and that it was good riddance.

As for wondering about the status, I think I mentioned before that once every two years or so I research my #1, only he doesn’t have a Facebook account and there is virtually zero info on him in Google. I do look up former classmates. I do look up that girlfriend of mine who went MIA telling me she was moving to another country and would write to me once settled. Just plain curiosity and an understandable human desire to make sure that I am not worse than others, maybe even better off in the long run.

The Five Love Languages was interesting. Yet, when I talked to my ex about it, he replied that all the “languages” were important. If you look deeper, isn’t it so? True, one may stand out, but all the other ones need to be present as well.

Some people do not like having their birthdays celebrated or being surprised because their childhood dictated that such things were ‘traps’ thus should be avoided at all costs. Some people don’t like physical tough unless they initiated it and even then it’s only to the degrees of hugs or holding hands. Some people can’t listen to another saying “I love you” without being wary of what the other might want/demand from them and they might not be able to say such words themselves. Intimacy is truly individualized.

Eh, I think that he just didn’t like to look deep into himself despite him claiming that he “always tried to figure out why he didn’t like somebody.” Or I should have just taken his word literally and assumed that he only looked deep into himself when he didn’t like somebody. I extrapolated to that he ALWAYS looked deep into himself figuring out why he felt this or that. (Which I normally do.)

He did like to point out details (“The devil is in details – a Mercedes and a cart have four wheels, but they are mighty different vehicles, aren’t they?”) or, on the contrary, made generalising statements to include everything like in the example above.

The keyword is ‘promise’. He had promised you that he would divorce to marry you yet changed that simply because circumstances dictated that he had to keep his marriage or else what? He would lose his job? How is being ‘married’ so important that he would lose his job? Does he live in China or something? If he really did want to marry you, he would have done everything in his power to make it possible, not sidelined that for his job.

Everyone wants the best for himself or herself, doesn’t s/he? His job comes first or, rather, the way he liked to put it, the job and his relationship with me were of equal weight. Meaning that he wouldn’t be happy without either. Since I was agreeing to wait, he was happy to carry on like that, especially after the novelty of the romance faded (and until struck by Cupid’s new love arrow).

He wouldn’t have necessarily lost his job, but a lot of what he does, he does together with other men, and no one wants to have an unstable partner. I think that the way he behaved when wooing his current wife #4 turned away a few of them from him. He missed a few deadlines then.

Worse, his colleagues thought that his parents were ill, that is why he was taking time off work to go to his native city from the city where he worked in our home country. Later on, it turned out that he had been taking time off work to go and see a mistress. Folks didn’t appreciate that.

When he was with me, one morning, I couldn’t stand the situation (he – wife – I) and phoned him to discuss the future of our relationship and where we stood, he got so excited that failed an important interview that could land him still another promotion. I am bringing this to show that he was indeed very emotionally involved in all his romances.

And his colleagues all together have a say in what projects he gets to perform and with whom. If no one wants to work with him because they see him unfit because of his constant change of spouses and partners, then he simply stays where he is until retirement. Sort of what is happening to him now, I think.

But yes, he secured himself an excellent retirement plan upon achieving that important milestone (the one after achieving which he promised me to divorce his wife #3).

And of course, as a loving woman I was telling myself that I want him to be happy, that if he is happy, I am happy, that I need to trust him, that he might not telling me some things, but if he is asking me to wait a little bit more, he is asking it for us both, that whatever he does, he has OUR happiness in mind, that what he has in mind is intended for BOTH OF US. Exactly like Natalie Lue says narcissists and their victims behave – explaining away and rationalising and putting words in the mouths of their narcissists, words and intentions that the narcissists may have never even thought about enunciating!

Even though it is not China, I have yet to think of, for instance, a politician who would be marrying and divorcing his wives without thinking about the impact these actions would have on his electors. In any country, even the most advanced ones.

Nope. I am capable of quitting my job to be with someone who needs me, especially if they are important to me. Work can be found anywhere, relationships, not so much. Though, it also depends on what you make your priorities.

Depends on the work. If your work is something you have finally landed after twenty years of going towards it and if it is something you have been dreaming of since kindergarten, I am not so sure. Again, it is not an office job that “can be found anywhere” like you put it.

But just like with saying that all love languages were important to him and that not everything is what it seems, he was putting himself in a very safe position by saying that to be happy, he needs both in equal measure – his job and his beloved.

You said that you ascribe to Buddhism. Doesn’t Buddhism involves compassion and understanding for all human beings?

The Bible urge people to ‘love thy neighbor’ yet the world is still full of violence and hate. Though if you want compassion in the form of empty platitudes, then I can give you “your ex was a jerk, good riddance. You’ll find someone else soon enough. etc.” And leave it at that. Though if you must, my ‘compassion’ lies in the form of my writing my thoughts as they are rather than shallowly tell you good things happen to those who waits. There are already people who are willing to take the time to tell you such things, so if you expect as much from me then I will have to end our correspondence here since I am not living to work for someone’s else expectations.

You misunderstood me. I didn’t mean compassion and understanding for me. I wonder what image your mind has conjured of me, what I have written so far that made you think I was asking you or anybody else for pity???

I meant compassion and understanding for my ex.

Also, it sounds like you are the one who keeps stating that my ex was a jerk and not a narcissist for some reason thinking that I want him to be a narcissist so that I can absolve him of what he did.

I am merely discussing different versions, like an investigator who puts together pieces of a puzzle. Yet, it seems that the mere fact of my ex not keeping his promise if enough for you to say that he is not worthy right off the bat. Are you familiar with the saying “Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes”? Not that it is not merely putting his shoes on, but walking the road that that man has walked in those shoes. If he had promised to return from war and didn’t return because he was killed, would you be also saying that “promise” is the key word?

Is there any difference between stealing a loaf of bread and, say, a car? Both are stealing, but the value of the stolen item is vastly different. Throughout history, some cultures had the same punishment for stealing – no matter of what item, whereas others differentiated between the value of what had been stolen.

Think of me as a surgeon or an author dissecting motivations and actions. I could never quite make my ex out while I was with him; now the picture is more or less clear. But I would sure like him to fall in love anew and to divorce wife #4 to be able to tell myself that my analysis of his psyche and modus operandi is correct.

But the question lies in what kind of promises were he willing to make happen and which ones he only gave lip services to.

He had kept ALL the other promises, and this one had weighty mitigating circumstances around it.

All our discussions ultimately ran into the wall of his “I cannot divorce her now.” It was an agree-to-disagree situation. And yes, I stayed because it was my choice to stay and still wait.

I have often wondered the following. How can we ever talk about verbal abuse or verbal harassment if it is entirely our choice how we react to it? Say, if a mad person accosts you, you wouldn’t be in a least offended, would you? The why do people condemn those who abuse verbally? Even on Tiny Buddha, you see so many replies to different posts saying “S/he had no right to treat you (verbally – I am only talking about verbal abuse) like that”

As above, for some reason I suspect that he always maintains what now I perceive to be a distance from everybody. It really stands to reason that, as a young husband of 23 years old, who discovers that his wife will have another man’s baby, he consciously decides not to let everybody approach him too closely from now on.

Did he not pursued married women himself? So what’s the pointing fingers at his own wife when he isn’t such a great person himself? How can he condone his own behavior when he won’t condone others’ much similar behavior?

Hang on, GL. Wife #1 was two years younger than he (they met at college) and she was the one that cheated on him and gave birth to another man’s son. Then he married his wife #2, his age, and he is not sure whether the kid (hmm, now a 25-year old man) is his son or not. He pursued married women LONG AFTER his divorce from Wife #1. And he pursued them AFTER he divorced Wife #2.

He didn’t have anybody on the side until he met me in Year 6 of his being married to Wife #3. And then in Year 6 of our relationship and in Year 12 of his marriage to Wife #3, he met this other woman who is now his Wife #4.

Are you reproaching me pointing fingers at his wife or are you reproaching him that he is pointing fingers at her? Where did I say that he was pointing fingers at his own wife?

It is I who is saying, “it stands to reason that, as a young husband of 23 years old, who discovers that his wife will have another man’s baby, he consciously decides not to let everybody approach him too closely from now on.” I am trying to understand WHY he is the way he is in his relationships.

And I disagree. Just like in stealing, there is a difference between cheating on with somebody and telling about it to one’s spouse AND cheating on with somebody, not telling about it to one’s spouse and then giving birth to a baby saying it is the spouse’s when in reality it is another man’s baby.

Though how much coincidences is it that he would married someone who is similar to him and then did it again and again, if I’m getting the story correct?

Sorry, I don’t understand what you are trying to say. Who is similar to whom and who did what again and again?

It is not a mid-life crisis that urges older men to seek out much younger females, it is the need to boost ego again and since ancient times, men who ‘gets the girl’, spoken or unspoken, are seen as high ranking.

Again, I am the only one out of his eight women with whom he had a 20+-year difference. Wife #1 was two years younger than he, wife #2 was the same age, one lady after divorce from wife #2 and two married women – about the same age, wife #3 – four years older than he was, me – 20+ years younger, wife #4 – eight years younger than he.

Where do you see “much younger females” in plural here?

No, he didn’t. I was the one who in Year 3 decided to “punish” him for not keeping his promise to divorce and we communicated only by texts and emails for three or four months. Same year, I decided to break free and stopped communicating altogether (having told him so – that I was done). He waited for three weeks and then emailed me a very touching letter, which, again, made me go back to him. I had tried to break loose one year before that, but lasted only two days myself.

The keyword is ‘punish’. That you had to ‘punished’ him for not keeping his promise means that you were only throwing a tantrum and wanted him to soothe you. He did and you took him back. Same with walking away; that scream more that you were sulking and needed him to go after you for you to feel secure in the knowledge that he did want you, marriage or no marriage. Also, the ‘touching letter’ is definitely him understanding what buttons to push for you to take him back. He knew what you wanted so he did as such to placate you.

Exactly what Natalie Lue said about narcissists. That they know that all the scenes and words made and spoken by their victims are just that – scenes and words. Nothing more.

Yet, you dismissed that website right from the start.

Does that not ring an alarm for you? The fact that you needed him to keep contacting you so that you can feel secure that he has not forgotten you? How insecure were you about the relationship that you needed to hear from him everyday?

No, it didn’t. Remember, ours was a very long-distance relationship. How can the two stay present in each other’s lives if they are not trying to imitate living side by side as much as they can? Thankfully, technologies permit it now.

You could restate the question and ask how insecure he was wanting to contact me that often. All the time, after we made up, he would himself say, “All right, I’ll phone you at lunch.” And then, “Will you wake me up as usual?”

By that account, you are still aware of him then. You are making this into a winner or loser scenario in which he was the one with the problems, not you, so that’s mean HE was right to dump you.

Sorry, don’t get this part: how come HE was right to dump me if he was the one with problems. Shouldn’t it be the other way around? Please rephrase or elaborate.

His loss, right? You are definitely feeling vindicated if you can’t wish him well after your break up.

I didn’t like HOW he was breaking up with me (first, not the way we had discussed breaking up if one of us ever would fall for another person; then going MIA for two months; not keeping his promise to ring me when I finally got him on the phone; then what kind of a “friend” he showed himself to be after he himself said he wanted to remain on good friendly terms; how he unfriended me on social media; finally, that story with borrowed money). And it is not the fact that he fell in love with somebody else (I also felt very attracted to a couple of people during the time we were together), it is the fact that he had done nothing to prevent it.

Besides, GL, like I said, it is how I feel and rationalise on the emotional level.

On the level of intelligence, I don’t wish him anything at all. De mortuis aut bene, aut nihil – that is my approach to such people.

That is why I asked you in the previous letter, is it not what we do that matters and not what we think?

Second, he was not merely maintaining the level of his involvement in my/our life, he was revving it up. Doesn’t make sense.

A man can buy his girlfriend an engagement ring, give it to her only to end their relationship the next few days. It has happen, it is not a uncommon as you think.

Yes, stories like that on Tiny Buddha and other forums helped me to see that a lot of people were in the same boat as I was. Even worse when their fiancés broke off engagements, husbands ran off with secretaries, left them with a few kids, etc.

He had no male friends (!) to brag about me.

How was it that him having no friend(s) is not a red flag?

Well, I never thought about it. It is now that I have read so much about relationships, I know that it is not a good sign.

Besides, I couldn’t say about myself that I had friends, like real friends who stick with you through thick and thin. As I told Michelle, for a long time, including the time when I was with him, I comparmentalised friends and topics and things that I discussed or did with them.

Say, I have lived in this country for over twelve years now and I still don’t have friends here. I have one real friend, but I had known him before I came over here. But I do have very good colleagues and acquaintances about whom I can sometimes say that they are “friends.”

This is one more feature that made me think we were made for each other AND that confirms that idea that like attracts like. That I couldn’t have been attracted to him if we hadn’t been so similar in a lot of aspects.

There was just one red flag for me (if we omit his marriage status). I once said, all elated, “Just imagine, what a chance it is for us, who are so much alike, have so much compatibility and so much chemistry, to have found each other! It is such a rare occurrence!”

And he goes, “It is not a big deal to find somebody like that.” It was so contradictory to his lovey-dovey behaviour and to his constantly underscoring and saying that I was that one big love of his life, forever and ever.

I still think that it is so much easier for him to fall in love with a stranger than to rekindle the passion with a past love of his. Just like a switch, as I was saying, – either on or off and never for the same person.

Also, you then say he has friends now? Or is that before or after?

Would you mind quoting the sentence? Context does matter.

Besides, there are friends and friends. In English, “friends” are often the same people that in other languages would be called “good acquaintances.”

Why is it that he can be on good terms with couples, but not with just people?

That I don’t know. But it does seem that he is either friends with females or with couples (because of the female?) Or on good terms with men because they can be useful in his career.

Not having a boyfriend is not an indication that you would be attracted to married men and have continued to do so. Somehow, your intuition in finding lonely married men who wouldn’t mind the attention of someone younger is a little too scary.

Not quite.

First, if we talk about single men to whom I have been attracted since my breakup, I can name the “guy on the trip” who was effectively single.

Next, there was this guy to whom I was attracted even when with my ex. He divorced a long time ago, is single and happy and seemingly not looking for anybody. I described to Matt how he was warming my hands once. Funnily enough, at first glance, I can name men to whom I am much more attracted than to him, but when I imagine myself with him, I can very well see how I would not need or ever think about anybody else. Interesting, huh?

Finally, the bald guy from the seamanship programme, who approached me first, but when I tried to reciprocate, stopped initiating. He was single and happy, too.

As for the married men, the fact that none of them pursued me in the way my ex did certainly doesn’t meet your “wouldn’t mind the attention of someone younger.”

I am more concerned at this stage with why I still like men who are twenty years older. It seems like the twenty-year gap never changes, just shifts with me getting older. Or am I becoming ever wiser and wiser that only those who are twenty years older can keep up with it? I doubt it, but I have no answer. And again, there are a lot of exceptions, it is only a trend that now that I am in my 30s, I find not so many men in their 40+ to look at, like I did when I was 15 or 25, but rather men in their 50s.

Also, you were so sure that #1 was the person you were waiting for all your life apparently. If that’s not a heavy/quick judgment on your part, then what would it be called?

I agree that it was a quick judgement. Why are you bringing it up?

I disagree. Say, when I had insomnia during the last year of high school, I read all sorts of books, but I needed that final push from a psychotherapist. I got that push, one session was enough. BUT the funny thing is that the psychotherapist thought that my insomnia was due to my teenage unhappy unrequited love which was not true at all. But how could I prove it to the therapist? The only thing I could do is say “This is not so.”

So him telling you “this is not so” and shaking his head without considering your point of view as listening to you?

Why are you saying “without considering your point of view”? He would listen calmly and attentively to ALL that I had to say, and then would say, “It is not so.” Just what else could he do???

What is it you don’t like in that version of mine that, since love lasts three years and we hadn’t seen each other for over half a year before he met that other lady, he fell – yet again! – head over heels in love and now had the additional incentive (that of a fresh passion) to divorce?

What were your thoughts during that half a year that you decided to take him back?

Oh, now I see where that half a year comes from! GL, ours was a very long-distance relationship. We spent about half a year together in this country, living together, and then he went to our home country. That was in early summer. Next I went to our home country and we met a couple of times during my stay there. I stayed at my parents’, he stayed at his place in a couple of hours’ distance from mine. Note that I had been to his place during my stays in my home country before. It was obvious that his wife and he were living separate lives, by the way. I didn’t go to his place that time.

And it was in mid-spring next year that he met that new flame of his.

Hence the roughly half a year of us not seeing each other, not being in the same time and space before he fell in love with her.

We saw each other again in this country only in mid-summer that next year, some four months after he met his current wife #4.

I still maintain my view that he would have divorced for me if that new lady’s and mine entrance in his life had been swapped in their order.

Yet he was getting used to having a wife waiting at home and a mistress at the side to have a passionate affair with. Would he have disrupted that ‘balance’ for anything other than something new?

Exactly. That is why I am saying that if I was that “something new,” he would have divorced his wife #3 and dumped his mistress. So my point is that it is not the fact that his now wife #4 has some extraordinary exclusive qualities, but merely the timing. It could have been any woman just as his mistress could have been any woman.

By the way, I have recently had a chat with a former classmate of mine who confessed that he had decided family life was not for him exactly because for him, attachment never formed. Passion / infatuation died and that was it. Nothing took its place.

Why are people so quick to decide something based on passion? If you haven’t read the research, ‘passion’ is merely the rush of dopamine in the brain so it’s not meant to be a long term thing. Rather, ‘passion’ is what was evolved from the homo sapiens need to reproduce.

Right, he knows that. He said that normally, passion (or infatuation) transforms into love, attachment, deep care for the other person. Not for him.

Kind of like my ex. The switch is either on or off. He can either be on the dopamine high or you start doubting whether he really cares for you. I thought that it was my own insecurities taking over, for flowers and fireworks cannot last forever, that it was me, not him. However, it turned out that my intuition was right – in his case passion equals love and there is no love after passion.

Just my opinion.

So he never cheated on his first/second wife?

No, he didn’t. I repeat that his first affair out of wedlock was with me. Second – with his current wife #4 when he cheated both on me and on his wife #3.

Or was it an open secret with his wife that he had sex with others? Or is it that you don’t know the extent of his affairs as you think you do? Why would anyone ask for anyone’s permission to have an affair?

Sure, I may not know a lot of things. Of course, we can say that he is no different from all other men, that all men cheat on his wives, that he cheated all his life, that he cheated on me with his wife and with other ladies at the same time and so on and so forth.

BUT there are two very telling similarities in how he treated me and his wife #3 and how he treated his new mistress and me. He told his wife about me after he had sex with me. He went MIA on me only after he had sex with his new mistress.

More than that. After he and I said I love you, he started preparing his wife for the news by leaving my picture on their family computer desktop.

After we had sex and he came back from his second business trip (we didn’t even kiss on his first one, remember?), he talked to her the very same evening.

After that, for three months, including his one more business trip here, we communicated any time of the day and night. I could sometimes even hear his wife’s voice in the background.

More than that, they agreed to keep up appearances until he can divorce her. His wife wanted to feel good about the situation and she even sent me a plush toy and some cosmetics.

I passed on some fashion jewellery to her.

During that time, there were no red flags, no off feelings, no issues, it was like a honeymoon. I was so happy – he told her about us, she understood, she is okay keeping up appearances for the sake of his job, he and I are living and behaving like a real couple.

Then, after three months, something happened. She must have decided to fight for him. She started making scenes. After that we had to coordinate times when we would talk (depending on whether she is at home or not).

Fast forward to Year 4 or so (see, I am already starting to forget dates that used to be so important to me – I do have them all written down as a timeline, but that is in a sealed envelope hidden faraway). He suddenly decides that he can phone me at lunch and before going to bed no matter whether she is at home or not.

So yes, of course, everything is possible, but I don’t think so.

If you try subtlety on someone who is dense, then it’s a wonder if they ever catch on the fact that you might be interested.

Why would I want to date somebody who is dense?

People flirt all the time, sometimes even unknowingly, that does not mean that they are serious. And their ‘like’ is probably nothing more than a passing attraction to you.

That is true. Yet, the vibes I get from, say, my manager’s husband who buys me coffee when he has an opportunity, are clearly “passing attraction,” but they are totally different from the vibes I get from the “big boss guy.” True, I can’t imagine myself with my manager’s husband, you could say that this is why I don’t feel it from him. However, I could imagine myself with two guys who keep hugging me every time they see me (I wrote about them to Matt), I do like them, I could see myself with them, BUT I don’t get that kind of romantic vibes from them like I do from the “big boss guy.” Just feels different.

Yet, I have a very firm intention not to believe anything until I explicitly hear it or see it all spelled out in writing. So all of it pretty much speculation and fleeting feelings of mine at this point.

Can you really say that ‘like’ can be developed simply because they might be interested in getting into bed with you?

I am sorry, I don’t get this sentence. Could you please elaborate?

Honestly, the best thing to do is to simply ask them out a coffee date to talk.

Sorry, a secretary can’t ask the CEO to a coffee date, no matter what country she lives in, even if it is the XXIst century. I’d have the guts to do it, but I care for my job and there is such a thing as hierarchy.

Another one told me that it seemed to her that I am a swirl of energy, which is certainly not true, because I am an introvert.

Friendliness, if that is what you are implying, is not associated with introversion or extroversion. Nor is the level of energy a person has in general, that’s hormonal biology.

No, not friendliness. She was referring to how many things and activities I manage to fit into my day.

One more idea that I came across somewhere made me delve deeper into myself. It was that I was attracted to those I was attracted to because they possessed something or could do something that I wanted to do, but did not allow myself to do because of manners, upbringing, etc.

Why must you look for what you want in someone else? Why not try to possess those qualities yourself?

Exactly. That is what I started to do. Say, I enjoyed travelling with my ex, I am now finishing off the list of places I wanted to visit with him. Somewhere in the first third of my travels, I stopped missing him (the guy “who led me on” certainly did his part here) except in cases when I needed my suitcase to be pushed into an upper bin or when I couldn’t leave my stuff with somebody when going to the loo.

That is why I am saying that I feel so much more whole and complete now. But I could subscribe to those on this thread: https://tinybuddha.com/topic/notoriously-single/

You’re really focus on the chemistry aspect. What about the emotional compatibility?

That is where that friend > date > sex sequence comes in. Sometimes I think there is chemistry, but after a couple of talks I see that I was wrong.

Michelle (and others) praised Mark Manson’s blog a lot. At the same time, Manson is known for writing about how fleeting feelings are. Yet, see how much attention he gives to chemistry :

https://markmanson.net/compatibility-and-chemistry

Still, I do think that he feels chemistry for many more people than I do. See how he many dates he mentions at the end of the article, “I regularly find myself seeing teachers, nurses, social workers, volunteer workers, etc. multiple times and sometimes having a serious relationship with them.” The way he puts it, plural and such a list, makes me think of him as serial dater and somebody who definitely has chemistry with MANY MORE people than I do. I wouldn’t want to do that or be dated like that.

Your ‘like’ feels idealist because you don’t know much about the other person yet you are already fantasizing about them, imagining what they might do for you as a partner. You let that ’emotional’ spark of interest lead by the nose into hoping and waiting for the other to show interest. Because if he is interested, then he’ll asked you out, right?

I don’t get the point. Yes, if he is interested, he would ask me out – what is wrong with this assumption? When I say “like,” I mean “I feel chemistry.” And I think we have established that I can’t date without having chemistry. It is not my fault that I don’t have chemistry with every Tom, Dick, and Harry.

You list is also very decided on making your ex a narcissist. I gave you my thoughts, but you seem intent on the narcissist part.

He has enough emotions to not be a psychopath (narcissist also has little to no emotions) while not really acting on his instinct so he can’t be a sociopath. He’s not anxious enough to have borderline personality disorder, but he’s not autistic as he can still read what your face is expressing. It doesn’t appear as if he has an attention disorder so it can’t be ADHD. He still has his memory intact so it’s can’t be dementia while he hasn’t been hallucinating so it’s doesn’t seem to be schizophrenia. You haven’t mention whether he had episodes of manic depression and then hyper activity so doesn’t seem to be bipolar. He’s not an alcoholic, but he does have a certain addiction if he keeps marrying and divorcing. But he has too much fear of appearing less than manly to let himself be vulnerable. Maybe he found someone to be vulnerable to with his current wife, who knows. It appears your ex certainly has empathy, but that empathy is/was directed towards himself. He also has a big ego and so do you.

I operated off Natalie Lue’s website. She draws very clear distinction between a narcissist and a mere jerk. I am no psychologist, I don’t know her credentials, so I asked for yours and for your opinion about the website and the information therein.

I thank you very much for this snapshot of him here and the one you gave me two letters back I think, the one about co-dependency.

And fitting your diagnosis of him being co-dependent, he would pick up hobbies and interests of his women. With me, we travelled a big deal, he started to take horse riding lessons, attended my martial art classes and so on. With his current wife, he is into fashion and dress now.

But I wonder – if co-dependent people get together, how come they ever break up? Like I fit the co-dependency criteria, my ex fits them, too. Yet, he was the one to get out first. How is this at all possible with co-dependent folks? Why don’t they stay stuck with one another exactly because they are co-dependent?

Why is finding a partner about your mother’s low expectations for you, apparently? Why must it be about proving her wrong?

Again, it is my emotional level speaking.

My intelligent level says it is all nonsense.

Look at motivational speakers and life coaches if you wish for such a conversational partner.

Let’s see… Somebody in finance and a life coach at the same time, with a good hygiene… How are these criteria suggested by you not stricter than mine?

I am no motivational speaker, yet, I am able to discuss such things with you. I am no millionaire, yet, I am quite comfortable living the life I lead. If this means that I am exceptional, then hey, yes, I want an exceptional man!

Why do you think you can’t save yourself?

I wouldn’t mind a safety net. If I lived in Scandinavia, I wouldn’t have a lot of the problems I may potentially face in this country.

And part of it, it seems that you are only dating these men because you want to spite someone, however you think you may feel for them.

Excuse me, GL, but what men??? I am not dating anybody. No one whom I thought I had chemistry with and was eligible (i.e. not in a relationship and not 60+-years old) has asked me out. Not counting the guy on the trip who talked about his ex. I had just one date with several guys with whom I had no chemistry, just to make sure there was none. The guy from the shooting range, whom I couldn’t physically stand, actually thanked me for telling me that we could only be friends after a chat in a coffee shop (you could treat it as date #1). He said others before me would keep being ambiguous just to keep him there just in case.

So how come I am “dating these men because you want to spite someone, however you think you may feel for them”??? Aren’t you mixing me up with somebody???

I am pretty, I am intelligent, I have so many virtues, why don’t I see worthy men lining up?

That’s a good way of objectifying yourself. You’re pretty, intelligent, virtuous and so on, so why don’t men like you? But so what if you have all those things? How many women do you think exist on this Earth? How many do you think don’t have those virtues themselves? What makes you any different?

So are you saying that there is nothing wrong with me and my meeting somebody worthy and with whom I would have chemistry is just a matter of time and chance?

So the only thing I need to do is to increase those chances?

Bingo, that is what I was trying to find out.

Or is there anything else in your opinion?

How would you know whether you’ll enjoy their company until you’ve talked with them?

But I don’t have to go on a date in order to talk to them!

Rather then self-esteem, you seem to be searching for something in these ‘men’ of yours.

Well, as we said, on the emotional side, I am looking for somebody who will put on the pedestal and woo me (the best proof would be leaving his partner for me) AND who will provide for my safety and security by being generous and successful himself so that I don’t have to worry about my own means.

And sorry to break it to you, but not everyone has the free time to worry about searching for a date for the weekends.

Care to elaborate?

I merely follow that psychologist’s advice to retain a positive picture of the relationship.

Did you not allow yourself to mourn the end of that relationship?

I did mourn it. Again, I don’t understand what you are implying?

You seem to have the assumption that wisdom is only found in old age, but you can learn anything from anyone of any age. You only have to open your mind. But that you want ‘intelligent’ in your partner, it’s not surprising that you gravitate towards those older than you since you seem to link intelligence with old age.

True. This was one of my findings, i.e. lessons learnt after the breakup. I am aware of this now.

But I knew I was over him when I could imagine making love to the “guy who led me on.” Similarly, I am over that one because I can imagine being that close to that big boss guy who keeps locking eyes with me.

Care to elaborate? How is that moving on?

When I was not in love and when I watched romantic films, I automatically imagined myself in the place of the heroine. Fell in love with the leading man. When he was embracing or kissing the leading lady on the screen, I imagined that I was in her place.

When I was in love and watched similar films, the leading man and the leading lady could have been embracing or kissing, but I, in my mind, was embracing or kissing my partner.

If the love interest of mine is not on my mind 24/7, if I can imagine myself with this guy and with that guy, it means that I am not attached to anybody. If I can only imagine myself with somebody to a degree, that means that I am in love to a degree.

Isn’t not thinking about somebody new 24/7 or not at all a sign of having moved on?

Have you watched A Man and a Woman (Un homme et une femme in French)? Remember the love scene? I sure would think it is disrespectful on my part if I allow the man to get that close to me, but I, myself, can still see my ex in his place.

What is moving on for you?

The lonelier one is, the more one will seek companionship. It seem those men were lonely enough to take on your advances, not because they had desired you sexually, but because they simply wanted a friend or at least someone to talk to. They might have acted like a mentor to you during those times you were together, but it didn’t seem like they wanted you sexually.

The Christian man brought condoms once. We had petting and were about to do the penetration act when – like in a film – his wife phoned. Right before. I was so angry that he reached for his phone (and hadn’t turned it off) that I never went that far with him again. And then three months later my ex came into the picture.

#1 did try to caress me into having sex the two nights that he spent with me.

I suspect that he broke off with me not only because I would be going away – he stopped communication a good two or three weeks before the day of my departure, but because I didn’t give in. Why waste one’s efforts if one is not getting sex?

At least that is my cynical interpretation.

Maybe he didn’t want to get more attached and was guarding his heart knowing that he wouldn’t be able to sustain long-distance and/or break up with his partner because of me. That would be noble.

I guess I’ll never know the truth.

You can become friends with someone first and then develop romantic feelings for them later. You do not have to feel strongly for them in the beginning, there’s no requirements to forming attachments.

True, there are no requirements. But in all my 30+ years of life, I have never developed feelings for somebody whom I could see and like only as a friend from the very beginning.

One can really talk about 100% faithfulness to each other only when both are on their death beds, can’t one?

Even if that faithfulness simply mean that they are friends and not partners? That perhaps because they do not have much time left, they settled for a relationship with no feelings or merely the feelings of friendship? Is that so much better than being betrayed and breaking up?

I meant that life holds many possibilities, including very unpleasant ones, until the very last breath we take. So one’s partner of 50 years potentially can still cheat. Sometimes, one reads about 90-year old something people getting divorced (or married). One is able to say with 100% certainty that one hasn’t cheat only when there is no way or time to cheat.

His behavior is labeled as ‘co-dependent’ due to his addiction/need to forming relationships with young women of 20s.

Again, I was the only woman with whom he had a 20-year difference. Please see above.

He has a large ego which he would not risk vulnerability due to the fear of rejection. He seek validation from women because he cannot soothe his own heart. His emotional maturity is at the level of a adolescent because he is a child trapped in the body of an adult man. Or simply, he has not developed his emotional level to that of an adult.

This rings true to what I was able to deduce from the materials I came across.

I don’t know if you entered the relationship with open eyes, but you did allow yourself to be wooed by him.

Millions of women allow themselves to be wooed. His wife #4, too. What mistake in that?

You allowed yourself to believe his promise of marrying you.

He would say that was indeed his intention. As soon as he could. “But I cannot do it right now.”

You allowed yourself to be addicted to this past affair.

Sorry, don’t get this one???

He might not have lied to you, but he had certainly hid the status of his new relationship.

I am sorry, what exactly are you talking about here?

Or did he told you that you were the only one?

He did tell me that I was the only one he loved until he met his new lady. His last “I love you” was said in March, he met her one month later. And one more month later, he went MIA.

By the way, their relationship was also long-distance. Albeit not between countries, but between two cities.

Because you did write that he stopped mentioning ‘the divorce’ a few years in when it was not possible.

He stopped talking about it on his own. But when I would ask whether my understanding that divorcing is still his intention, he would say yes.

While it was not his fault that he fell for someone else, he could have been honest with you rather than kept you in the dark.

Exactly. That is what I begrudge him. But one needs time to figure out whom one loves, doesn’t one? I myself spent a terrible six weeks or so deciding between #2 and #3 (my ex), not telling anything to #2. So how can I blame him for how he behaved when still not certain?

But once he knew that he was in love with her, especially after he had sex with her, then yes, he should have told me right away, like we had discussed. And not have gone MIA, not have said he would phone me to discuss the matters and then sending a text saying he was too tired, not have gone MIA for some time still again, not have lied to me that his intention was then to stay with his wife #3, etc. etc.

And, as I said above, I do begrudge him not taking steps that would prevent him from falling in love with her. For instance, he didn’t have to ask her for her phone number.

But did you ever see signs that he was pulling away?

That’s what I wrote about. I interpreted them as “infatuation and passion giving way to love.” One can’t expect roses and boxes of chocolates in the mature stage of the relationship on par with what it was in the wooing stage.

One big flag to me was that right after he met her one month after my birthday, his tone of voice changed.

True, there was nothing for us to talk about long before that, but his tone and intonation remained the same.

This time, his tone was just like my girlfriend’s when she was done with her ex who still kept phoning her. The tone was totally lifeless, emotionless and I could feel that I was somehow annoying him only I couldn’t understand why. And then one more month later he went MIA after he had sex with her. But that was the only sign. His voice and tone.

The ‘revving things up’ seems more like an admission of guilt than his wanting to keep the relationship going strong.

Doesn’t line up chronologically.

He met her one month before he had sex with her and went MIA (end of Year 6 of the relationship).

His “revving things up” started after the relationship marked Year 3 and lasted for about two and a half years. In the first half of Year 3, we communicated only in writing (on my initiative) and in the fall of Year 3, after my complete silence and his touching letter, he arranged his long-term business trip into this country lasting several months. And after that he came one more time for one more half a year, and added my phone account to his banking account, started phoning me no matter whether his wife was at home or not, etc. etc. I wrote about it already.

Your #1 and #2 might not have told you that they would divorced, but why is it that you believed #3?

#1 wasn’t married, he “had a partner.”

Will all of them, I assumed (my fault, I know) that even if they might have had partners when we met, the right and logical thing for them to do would be to talk to them and dump them for me.

(This was sort of a red flag for me with my ex because he talked to his wife only after we had sex on his second business trip and not after he realised he was in love with me or after we said I love you on the phone. But he retorted, “But I did talk to her, didn’t I?” What could I say in response? He did talk to her.)

But with #1, it was all so short and he went MIA so quickly that I didn’t have time to grill him about his “partner.”

That is why when time passed and #2 was not doing anything about his wife, I raised the question. He mumbled something about “I know I’ll have to make decision, why don’t you go to your home country, come safely back, and we’ll see?”

Shortly after my return, I met my ex who seemed so much more promising than #2 who wasn’t deciding anything. In parallel, #2 wasn’t doing anything for two months after my return, and my love and communication with my ex (= #3) were growing exponentially, so it was only natural that I left #2 for #3, went from one married guy to another.

It was a terrible time when I was in limbo loving both simultaneously for two months and feeling guilt for leaving #2 (yes!). Don’t wish this experience upon anybody.

Well, I am right more often than not when I don’t like somebody or something after several interactions.

Your reply to Michelle speak otherwise.

Would you mind quoting? I can then search for the context.

One more lady. I have never experienced “love at first sight,” but I did experience, well, not hatrid, but “unlove.” It turned out it was mutual “unlove.” I behaved and continue to behave completely neutral and decent towards her – “nothing personal, business as always.” After some time at work, she decided that she could plot and intrigue around everybody, so now everyone is aware that she is not a good reliable colleague, that one can expect anything from her.

Did I not asked whether you were prone to taking on the emotions of other? If that lady didn’t like you, your intuition wouldn’t be quiet about it.

The fact is that she didn’t like me at the very same time I didn’t like her. She said so herself in a rare moment of us trying to logically unwrap why we didn’t like each other so much.

There was no reason for it at all. I go towards a table that is being adorned by many people with dishes and flowers. One lady starts walking towards me. I have never met her before, but immediately I know that I dislike her immensely.

She said it was the very same way for her.

That is why I talk about “unlove at first sight.” Simultaneously for both.

As far as “taking on the emotions of others,” can it be again the issue of like attracts like? You see how often conflicted I am, seeing both sides’ arguments, often finding myself in agree-to-disagree situations, overthinking, etc. etc. It seems that all the men I am attracted to are just like me at that stage in their lives. On the one hand, they are tired of the way they have lived until now, on the other, they don’t know how to proceed now that kids are grown and out of the house or life has changed, they are promoted or they realise they are no longer attracted to their wives or vice versa or something else – who knows what makes anyone of us suddenly stop and reevaluate where we are? Kind of “can’t live the life the way I have lived it until now, but don’t know what to do, what to aspire to and how to proceed and where to go.” And here I am, also not sure about what is right or wrong, what is black and what is white, but knowing that I want them for my own so they have to make a choice, a leap of faith. Naturally, they are afraid, there former life now feels so familiar and cozy in the face of the pull to me and the unknown, that they stall in place.

One concern:

I think that for some reason I never forget how I felt at different stages in my life, in different places and with different people. My parents are sometimes surprised at how well I remember what took place when I was 6, 9, 11 years old and so on. The answer is simple – I have some anchors in my memory as to what events took place in those years and LOTS of emotions associated with those events. I can very well remember how I felt and how I reasoned then.

Are you still holding onto these as grudges? Or have you resolved them and are able to let them go?

GL, question: what made you think that these were grudges? Or that those events were of unpleasant nature? I really wonder what preset and biased picture of me you have in your mind?

I was referring to things like the smell of the grass after the warm summer rain in the countryside; the expectation of presents under the Christmas tree; the excitement of being in a tree house; the glee of knowing that the school year is over and you have the entire summer holiday ahead of you…

As for grudges, I can totally understand where people may be coming from. With time, memory loses its hold, and I can no longer remember the particularities of the occurrence, but I do remember how I felt and that, say, that person needs to be avoided. But I don’t dwell on it, all those memories and details having been replaced with other ones long ago.

If that answers your question.

Hope to hear from you soon.