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Notoriously Single…

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This topic contains 8 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  Inky 4 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #303277

    letgo
    Participant

    Let me just start off by saying, I am completely fine being single; I’ve been single (by choice) for 7 years, I had been in a serious relationship with someone who really was my partner – we’d grown up together, were best friends and eventually during our college years, grew into lovers. I’d never felt a connection like that before. We’d moved away together from Florida to NYC when he got a job after graduation. However, I slowly but surely turned into a person I didn’t recognize. Long story short, I’ve always been VERY intuitive; I really was born with a gift of a very strong gut and intuition which over the years, I learned to listen to no matter how much my mind wanted to know more answers as to WHY.

    After a year in NYC, I left. I look back now and know it was because I hadn’t grown up yet; I didn’t know who I was (well I did, but I found myself questioning it for the first time in my life). I hadn’t finished my degree, I didn’t have a job I was confident in talking about… all things that I wasn’t raised to judge people on. But the group of people he was surrounding us with, did. I didn’t feel myself. My intuition told me it wasn’t the place for me, even though I really truly loved him. I let my insecurities take over. That’s when I left, moved back to Florida and finished my degree.

    Fast forward to now: I live in Los Angeles, I have an amazing job in entertainment and a side hustle that I love/is my soul calling (art), I’ve met the most beautiful souls and feel as though I KNOW everything really does happen for a reason. I am where I am supposed to be, physically.

    On the other hand, and this is why I am here writing this, I need advice. I am not one to cereal date, I am not on a single dating app (no judgment for them literally ALL of my friends are on them, they’re just not for me), I am suuuuuper “old school” in terms of meeting people – I like to be out and feel an energy/vibe. I don’t have a “type”, I just like the way I feel around certain people. The “organic” way of meeting people, so to say.

    But. It’s been 7 years. I have so much love to give. I don’t mind and never have minded being on my own, I do enjoy my own company and have lots of amazing friends and family members. I just need help getting out of my own way. If I don’t feel an instant connection with someone, I move on. I don’t give people a chance and all I find myself doing, is comparing every man to the connection I had with my ex; I can’t help it and I have tried. I don’t do the “forced” thing and refuse to (hence the no dating apps, etc).

    HOW DO I GET OUT OF MY OWN WAY? It really is taking a toll on me. I want real. I want pure. I’m willing to wait for it, but how do I know when I’m in my own way and when I’m not?

    #303279

    Valora
    Participant

    You sound a LOT like me. I also don’t mind being single and was single for 10 years at one point, then had a boyfriend for 2, and now have been single for almost 2 years again. I’m also quite intuitive and energy/connection is more important to me in a relationship than most other things. Have you ever taken the Myers-Briggs Personality Test? (It’s free online) and if so, are you an INFJ?

    Anyway, I mentioned the above because I 100% get where you are coming from and I have trouble with this, too. I’ve even been battling these same thoughts off and on lately. After you experience a certain type of connection, it’s hard to want anything less than that. I think the biggest thing you have to make sure you’re doing is to just do your best to remain open. When you feel yourself wanting to pull away, remind yourself that connections can grow and aren’t always instant. Sometimes it takes a little bit for you to learn more about someone, so it’s always worth getting to know people at least on a friend level and see what develops.  That’s generally what I have to do because I’m not someone that likes to date since it’s so hard for me to find that type of soul connection that I want and I don’t want to give guys the wrong impression. I’ve found it’s easier to just develop friendships and see what happens.

    However, with my ex, when I started hanging out with him, I had this nagging feeling that I needed to give him a shot, even though I wasn’t totally attracted to him at first. It wasn’t a BAM instant connection, but my gut was just saying…. get to know this guy better. There was just something there and I could feel it.  That guy ended up feeling like home to me. We were incredibly connected, our interests and personalities fit like puzzle pieces, and we ended up having a great relationship that I would consider a consummate love (which is ultimately what I’m looking for) until we both had a barrage of separate personal issues get in the way that neither of us were handling well, and it drove a wedge between us. He is now that connection that I am looking for in someone else and the one I tend to compare people to, much like you do with your ex.  However, what I learned from that experience is that our intuition will guide us when it comes to love, too.  I used to think I just wasn’t giving guys a chance before I met my ex, for whatever reason, but I’ve been single for almost 2 years now and most of the guys who liked me before came back and tried to take me out again, and I realized that those guys just weren’t matches for me. I wasn’t giving those guys chances because they weren’t my guy.

    So it’s also possible you’re not actually in your own way, you just haven’t quite met that right guy yet… and if you’re an INFJ like I suspect you might be, it’s going to take a special kind of guy and connection that is harder to find, but finding that is worth the wait. Just do your best to remain open and try not to write people off too quickly but trust yourself when you really don’t think someone is the right match for you. Sometimes it’s not anything you’re doing wrong… it’s just that guy hasn’t been in front of you yet and I believe if you let your intuition guide you, you’ll intuitively know when you find him.

    #303285

    letgo
    Participant

    Thank you so much for your response! It is so comforting to know there are women out there just like me/who’ve experienced similar situations. I love your last paragraph, it really hits me deep and I really do appreciate it so much. I’ve of course told myself those same types of things, but to hear it from an outsider/someone who gets it, makes me feel comforted inside.

    Thank you 🙂

    #303333

    Valora
    Participant

    You’re welcome! It helps me to hear I’m not the only one who feels this way, too, so thank you for posting as well!

    #303357

    hello there
    Participant

    hello

    It sounds as though you are growing in your ability to live life with appreciation.

    You write that you have ‘so much love to give’; that’s wonderful. You may find that by giving love in a non-sexual way (such as voluntary work or sharing your art with less-fortunate communities), you meet like-minded people and physical intimacy may or may not follow. If it doesn’t, you haven’t compromised your principles but have enriched the lives of others and yourself.

    It’s also unlikely that there is someone who fulfils ALL your needs until your dying day (and vice versa)! That doesn’t mean that you lower your standards for the sake of companionship, but it may mean you choose to surround yourself with a evolving group of friends who support you in different ways as  you and they develop emotionally.

    I hope that helps.

    R

    #303421

    Peter
    Participant

    Its not just woman who find themselves in the same situation. I fear I am also a member of the club.

    My mother once warned that the older a person gets without entering a committed relationship the less likely they will.  Her theory being that entering into such relationships required a level of innocents,  blind ‘faith’ and ability to leap into the unknown.  The wide-eyed wonder of youth.

    I wonder sometimes if she was right.  I know as I have gotten older taking a leap of faith has become much harder. To be candid its been so long that I wouldn’t know where to start.  As INTJ I think to much and trust myself to little…  so, in my case I am getting in my own why.

    I agree with Valora though. I think for people like us we need to meet that person who is patient and that won’t panic when asked to move slow so that we might create that safe place.

    #303571

    anita
    Participant

    Dear letgo:

    Anxiety interferes with intuition.

    “how do  I know when I’m in my own way and when I’m not?”-

    – fear is what is in our (humans’) way. Look into your fear in the context of a relationship with a man, and you figure what it is that is keeping you in a “Notoriously Single” way of life.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 4 months, 3 weeks ago by  anita.
    #303581

    Valora
    Participant

    My mother once warned that the older a person gets without entering a committed relationship the less likely they will.  Her theory being that entering into such relationships required a level of innocents,  blind ‘faith’ and ability to leap into the unknown.  The wide-eyed wonder of youth.

    That’s a really interesting take on it! I think she might be right, but this may also be what leads to so many divorces or unhappy marriages. When you go into things so blindly, it’s much more likely you’ll end up with a mismatched partner, and that might be why the older generations are much more cautious. We want to be in a HAPPY relationship, not just a relationship. I’m wondering what the statistics are for the relationship status of those who get into relationships when they’re older (even 2nd or 3rd marriages or 1st marriages for those who “wait long rather than marry wrong”). I’d wager that those relationships are happier and more likely to last.

    I do agree, though, that we have to make sure we aren’t afraid of relationships or being TOO picky. I think it’s the difference between “I can’t date this guy because he doesn’t like Star Wars” and “I can’t date this guy because he constantly complains while making no effort to change things, and that is something that drives me insane.”  You know what I mean?  One is nitpicky and another is something that may not bother everyone but is a character flaw that might be a big deal to you.

    I think younger people in general tend to look past the things (“red flags”) that end up being deal-breakers later on while the older people of learned to pay better attention to those things. So we, as the older people, just have to make sure we’re not actively looking for things that may be wrong with people (nobody’s perfect, right?) but still being mindful to pay attention to them when they are glaringly obvious. Know what I mean?

    #303785

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi letgo,

    If you are still reading this, may I add:

    As a fellow INFJ/INTJ (I’m one of either of those things on those tests)… It does take two or three dates. We are either thinking too much or feeling too much to truly “see” the other person sometimes.

    Yes, I know you are intuitive. I mean, trust your intuition when someone gives you the creeps, but don’t write a nice normal person off all at once.

    And since you’re old school, perhaps date slightly older guys?

    Good Luck!

    Inky

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