Hi Anita,

Sure. I’m happy to do that. Most recently, we’ve been in a cycle of arguments about communicating more effectively with myself and others. Specifically, he finds it difficult to socialize, and yesterday I introduced him to my friends. We went out to dinner and he asked some questions, but after that just sat and did not engage with anyone else. Before the next stop, I spoke to him privately and asked if he was comfortable and asked him to try and engage more because it’s important to me. This turned into a huge spiral argument about everything else.

V: It is really important to me that you get along with my friends and family. I am feeling like you don’t try to engage with the people who are important to me. I know that you’re a great person, and I would like for everyone else to see it as well.

D: I am trying but they didn’t engage with me either.

V: You’re right, but I think that as the new person you need to try taking some initiative. For example, you could try sharing stories about yourself, and asking open ended questions.

D: Okay, sorry. (Not looking at me)

V: (I have to add that I feel quite upset when he just says sorry without acknowledging anything I’ve said. I feel like he does it to end a conversation). I’m not really looking for an apology, I’m trying to help you come up with a plan.

D: *silence*

V: Can you please say something?

D: I feel like you’ve been on me for everything, and you’re bashing me.

V: I am trying to connect with you, and support you because I know it makes you feel uncomfortable.

D: *silence*

V: I find it very challenging when I’m trying to have a conversation with you, and I get little to no response. Can you please say something?

D: What do you want me to say?

At this point, I would start to get upset because I feel like I’m not being heard or understood. I know that he shuts down when he feels threatened, and he acknowledges that he does this, but doesn’t actively try to stop it.

V: I am feeling very disconnected. Whenever I’m trying to have a conversation with you, I feel like I need to ask at least 10 questions to get one response and it is upsetting for me. I want to feel like we can have open and honest communication, but every time I try to talk to you about something, you shut down and the conversation can’t come to a resolution.

D: Okay, I won’t disconnect next time.

V: (This also upsets me because it’s just a blanket response) I feel like I have heard you say that, but I’m not sure if we have an active plan to make sure that doesn’t happen. Whenever I ask you if you need help, or need suggestions on a plan for when we’re in conflict, you say you’ll figure it out. You can’t get a different result from the same strategy.

Inevitably, this conversation ended because it was late, and we were both tired. Today, when I tried to speak with him, he said he feels like he’s always being criticized and that he doesn’t feel like showing love when he feels that way. I said that I was trying to connect with him, and he said after last night it was hard for him to do that, and that if I were in his position, I would feel the same way.

I responded by saying that he was right, I would not like it. But I would try to take the information and do something with it because I know that something I am doing is causing distress, and I should be aware of behaviours that are coming up for me.

I haven’t received a response from him since then. This last section was through text.