Morning Kkasxo,

Last night was tough, twisting and turning – I really can’t stomach being ‘off’ with anyone. It is affecting my concentration and eating today also. I feel the last time we had a big fight, I reached out to mend it and be the bigger person because I didn’t like the uncomfortable feeling, but I fear if I do that again, it’s merely because I don’t like this feeling and maybe I should just sit with it. Maybe I’m meant to. Because at the end of the day, I wasn’t solely to blame and me mending it with her will just be me having to take 100% responsibility and her taking the high road think I’m an absolute cow and she was totally right and vindicated and I think in the long run that causes more resentment.

Some very harsh words were said and I definitely regret them and am genuinely sorry for my behaviour but she was quite nasty too and I’m not willing to let that go to keep the peace, but this upset if unbearable too – so….rock….hard place….

My other sister is trying to be the buffer at the moment and says we were both to blame, probably my reactions more so because overreacted. She says it will eventually blow over but at the moment, I feel so upset, angry, hurt, regretful and basically ick.

I explained to my sister (the nice one!) last night that I’m so unhappy a lot of the time and she suggested increasing my medication again and that honestly broke my heart. The medication was for anxiety and panic attacks. I don’t need medication because Im sad, I think I know why Im sad. I’m not living the life I wanted/want, but at least I’m trying to work on it.

But look what my unhappiness is doing to me and my relationships with family and friends…I can well imagine it’s affecting your life too Kkasxo in all aspects. I think the only way to change is to explore what WOULD make us happy, we have to stop staying exactly where we are I think.

I just want to close my eyes and have this situation over. Im ready to be happy now, I’ve been through enough, I’m done with life being such a sh*t show! xx