Dear Michael:

Interesting: “her family are not particularly good with depression. They believe that a bacon sandwich and a shower can cure mental health, they have a kind of nonchalant attitude”- they hold on to this attitude after their depressed son committed suicide a few years ago (“her brother committed suicide some years ago”).

While in a seven months relationship with you, your now ex girlfriend lived with her parents. You lived in your own place, still living there,  and she stayed with you at your place for days at a time, sometimes for a whole week.

Two months ago, July this year, the two of you were on a plane together, returning from a holiday. On the plane back she bled, “there was a lot of blood”. She assumed her period started early. Later she told you that maybe the bleeding was a result of a miscarriage, but she “wasn’t sure”. She didn’t see a medical professional (doctor or nurse) regarding that bleeding.

Instead, she did see her general practitioner doctor regarding her mental health. That doctor prescribed “mild antidepressant medication” for her. Less than a month later, August 5, she ended her relationship with you, blocked your phone number and removed  you from all social media. August 27 you contacted her mother regarding things she left in  your home, and she was angry at you for contacting her mother. She did arrive at your place though, to collect her things, August 28 or so.

During that meeting, you had coffee and chatted, you told her that you love her, she told you that she loves you, the two of you cuddled but she told you that she “still needed to be alone”, but “suggested that we could meet up in potentially a month and discuss things further if it will help.. She did say that we can revisit some things in a month or two if necessary, talk and have a few drinks”.

She suggested that the two of you meet “in potentially a month” or “in a month or two”. About six days later (or fewer), you contacted her and asked to meet with her at the end of September. She responded saying “she would probably be working” and that “it’s just ‘too soon'”. A very short while ago, you’ve been thinking that you “may try to get in touch today and explain to her that I’m struggling, and then see if she offers me any clarity on why exactly she won’t communicate with me. Would that be the right thing to do?.. I’m not sure how best to approach this at the moment”.

This is my  current understanding of your situation and the state of this relationship:

1. For some time and currently, you feel very needy for her; she does not feel needy for you. You want her in your life as soon as possible, impatiently. She does not want you  in her life, not now and not anytime soon.

2. It is not a single reason that is responsible for her ending the relationship with you last month. The bleeding she experienced on the plane and retroactive suspicion that it may have been a miscarriage, and the hormonal happening as a result,  is not the one-and-only reason why she broke up with you and blocked you from her phone and social media.

You have been focusing on this as The reason, the one and  only. But  it is not.

3. I think that her breaking up with you has more to do with what you shared here: “She has struggled with anxiety and mild depression for years” and “When her brother committed suicide some years ago, I was the first person to give her comfort. We were only friends at the time.. She has a poor relationship with her father and an overwhelmingly strong one with her mother”-

– Notice: even though she has “an overwhelmingly strong” relationship with her mother, it is you, a friend at a time, whom was “the first person to give her comfort”, not her mother.

4. Regarding your mother: “my mother has a mental illness (much more severe) and that meant that this girl was usually the centre of my support network”-

I think that what has happened and is still happening is that you are very needy of this woman, your now ex girlfriend. She has been the center of your life. You are desperate to have her back into your life. She expressed to you that she needs to be alone and suggested a meeting in a month or two, but she isn’t ready for that meeting now nor is she ready to set a meeting now.

What you have to confront and  manage now is not her mental state but yours. You are in need of support that she is not capable or willing to give you.

Please share your thoughts and feelings (and maybe.. share about your life outside this past seven month relationship?)

anita