anita,

(Apologies in advance for the poorly structured phrases. I’m not in the mood today to type out so..)

I actually got to talk with her. She listened to me carefully and also gave me some time in summer breaks having little talks about it. I told her I wanted to see a therapist. She tried to find one for me, but unforunately there are no therapists available in our city. And I alone can’t go to another city for weeks or months for that plus leaving my studies. Her voice told me it can’t be helped.

Yes I askef her about all that. There were no eligible ways she could find for me. But she is optimistic about hearing from me sometimes. After that she said, ” Javairia, distract yourself for now. It doesn’t make problems into bigger problems. Your parents. You can’t fix it all. Focus on yourself and your future most importantly for now. After 2 years you’d be moving out for uni anyway. So I hope you bear through it until then.”

After that conversation, time to time I need a friend who would listen to me. Just understand me. I even opened up to 2 of my friends last months. That desire is somehow leaving me question my identity. As to why I’m craving for attention from these people who are not even my frirnds. Or why do I don’t feel good with who are already my friends(including the ones I opened up to). Have I become the worst version of myself, or a hideous monster out of my personality?

I didn’t post because I’ve been running into these dilemmas. When I crave to just be listened and understood for who I am(i’m sorry i’ve used this phrase a lot for now), it makes me question my identity. “What have I become of myself?” “I don’t recognise myself” everyone would say it’s just part of change. Cheer up! It’s the good part of process. Those responses scare me too. If this change doesn’t feel good then it’s not for me. I’m aware of that. But what else i don’t know the next part. I don’t know then what..

Anita, thank you so much for your considerate response, and time you put into it. I hope you the best

Javairia