Michelle,

I agree, everyone has their own timelines and there is absolutely nothing wrong with women choosing whatever they think is best for them regarding their fertility! My mum had her youngest aged 40! It is possible of course, just not something i’d actively consider for myself. I’ve always been the type of woman to yearn for a home and family.. I’ve been ‘broody’ so to speak since I can remember haha!

That is some interesting questions you are asking though, and actually it is putting things into perspective for me when looking at things from a different angle.. Do I think he’s ready to be a dad? No I don’t think he is. I think he is truthful in admitting that he isn’t ready and doesn’t see himself being ready anytime in the next few years. I don’t doubt that he would be a good dad regardless, but yes he just isn’t in the space right now where I feel he would be able to cope with the situation, the responsibility, having to support me etc. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not particularly ready right now either and I if roles were reversed and he pushed for trying right now I’d have to politely decline BUT in the same way I am planning for the future and I’d like to think that 2020/2021 is a good time for me to consider having children.

I think in a nutshell the more I explore all of the areas regarding this relationship, the more I realise just how much is missing? I don’t know if that’s the way to put it… Perhaps there are core pieces to this relationship that are lacking with no real sign of resolve. Which is indeed a shame as on a general note, we are okay. I think maybe we just outgrew one another? At some point in our relationship his steps forward stopped and hung about in that same spot until now, I slowed down for a little while in the hope that eventually he would catch up but now he is so far behind and I’ve began walking forward again.. And yet the heart breaks the same at the thought of us not being together. Its so frustrating isn’t it this up and down!

I actually found my diary the other day which I lost in the process of the move and I journalled loads in there, wrote weekly motivational quotes etc. And I flipped through to my birthday week and on the day wrote a note, ‘Chapter 26! Are you better? Are you happy? Are you loved?’ I remember writing that note a year ago, when I was writing it I thought i’d be in a completely different place this time next year! And instead I sat there thinking, Are you better? Kinda, Are you happy? Umm, kinda? Are you loved? Kinda?! I’ve got to make sure that chapter 26 is a different one for me.

Shelby, are you okay!? How are you enjoying time off of work now? Did you manage to resolve things with your sister?

Look forward to hearing from you x