Hi Lana,

sorry don’t know if that’s a L or I . Hopefully spelled your name correctly.

the switching etc sounds like splitting or BPD which I started studying after someone I Love was displaying Avoidant & Switching behaviors.

so basically a couple things. People with avoidant attachment style fear engulfment. One way they cope is by pushing people away, doing things purposely to sabotage relationship. Yet like everyone else they need intimacy and crave it, so when the person leaves – they fear abandonment and come back.

i used to do the same thing. One way I was able to have relationships then (in the wrong way) was I got into relationships with other avoidants so I wouldn’t feel engulfed, but also it re-affirmed my childhood wound of rejection and abandonment. It was familiar and so comfortable and so I stayed in unhealthy relationships. Or I just never allowed myself to get close to people in my relationships even in romance and I was kind of able to wear a mask so to speak and fabricate love and the love experience but all that did was lead to resentment and not being satisfied ,  control issues and transactional love.

That’s what the push pull you feel is. It’s your attachment style. And fear of engulfment and control.

When have you felt controlled in your childhood? Or when have you felt your needs not being met, and felt you had to do things on your own?

If our parents weren’t available in early childhood for whatever reason, we might develop the avoidant attachment style. Basically the “I gotta do this shit alone because life sucks and that’s how it is. And all my partners should know that too.” So we see partners who simply want to show us love as “needy” because that’s how we’d judge ourselves to rationalize the unfortunate fact that our parents weren’t there.

The splitting may be BPD, if we were in situations in early childhood where we had to be two different people or had to put on a mask at some points we may not integrate in our adulthood.

with both avoidant and BPD they are both highly sensitive people . Though it may feel like they are playing games or manipulative. It’s not intentional, still not an excuse. Also these people ONLY do this when they are close to someone. They ONLY do this with people they truly love. That’s why I was able to have compassion for someone I love who displayed these signs as well. What these people with these patterns have to realize is when they experience a split, it’s a form of dissociation . When they experience a trigger it’s them treating the person they love as the “wounding parent.” When they can catch the switch or splits or triggers and be educated on the fact that even though subconscious , they’re testing the people they love as a “wounding parent.” Then they can begin to do better like through calming down, slow desensitization, opposite action.

id recommend a couple things.

DBT therapy

Talking to a psychiatrist who can prescribe medication to take edge off intense feelings until you work through the origin of trauma.

Youtube tutorials and educational videos that are sensitive not judgmental and can give you ways to deal with it. Even if you don’t have BPD researching it will help as they deal with same things you mentioned. Also researching how to work through Avoidant attachment styles.

AJ Mahari on YouTube

and Nu Mindfame.

in your relationship. As I’ve been on both sides. What would’ve helped me with the person I love who Switches is if they would have directly told me and allowed space to talk about their triggers no matter how embarrassing or irrational they think it is. I’m a resource, I work in mental health , I’m a coach and I deeply love them. So I’d think I’d be pretty understanding .

So communicate. It’s easier to  write for some people , so write to them instead and be direct and open and communicate your love. Best to get it out in open to move past it. Won’t get anywhere by hiding or running .

much love