Dear afeels:

I spent close to two  hours slowly reading through our previous communication.

Regarding your most recent post, two things:

1. I think it is better that your interactions with people outside a professional situation take place in a 1-on-1 setting, not in a group setting. It is less complicated that way and you  personally need a less complicated setting.

2. “do you think I should continue my friendship with Jay..?”-

-I don’t know what put downs he communicated to you, you didn’t give detail. But you did share that you made a joke, an ongoing joke thing, about his height- that is a put down. A person should not joke and otherwise criticize people for their height- a matter one doesn’t choose. The two of you, if you continue a 1-to-1 friendship, need to agree to not put each other down in any way.

Also, If Jay is the same as JJ you shared about earlier, he  needs to not flirt with you when he has no  intention of having a romantic relationship with you. The two of you need to be very clear on the matter.

Regarding our previous communication, my current understanding of your state of mind, heart and life:

“I had a very rough childhood, abusive, neglectful. I grew up in an environment so chaotic… I grew up in fear. As a kid I didn’t explore much or play… As a child I was beaten harshly when I was caught kissing two children. I was so young- 5 years old… the only memories of her (your mother) that I have when a  young child was that she was angry, or blank.. she still is short tempered”-

– At this time, in your mid twenties, you are still living with your mother. You are well adjusted to living with her, as well adjusted as a person  can be. An adult forgets how she felt so many years ago when she was a young child, living with an angry or blank mother,  how strongly she feared losing her mother and how intensely she desired her mother.

It is a desire as intense as the desire for  oxygen when feeling a shortage of air and fearing death. This desire is as strong as the desire to survive.

It is not a sexual desire, it is not a friendly desire, it is the basic desire to survive, that which a fawn feels in the woods, when finding herself lost, without her mother. Your mother was there, but the threat was always there, that she will be gone.

I wrote to you on this thread: “The child, overwhelmed by.. fear.. feels too much, more than she can endure, so  she automatically.. disassociates, gets numb, feels the minimum possible. Not only hurt, fear and anger get minimized but also joy,  hope, curiosity, the desire to explore.. All forms of excitement get minimized”.

And indeed you disassociated: “I can barely feel anything unless I am in a completely relaxed state.. I am a very fearful person… Prior it (hocd) it was my health that I was obsessed with… her (former therapist) simple answer (to hocd) is to go  out there and experiment. Except its not that easy when I am  incredibly anxious… Everything feels muddled and hazy and so to just simply ‘experiment’ whilst in the midst of this anxiety it just was not helpful advice for me”.

In the center of your troubles is that early fear of losing your mother and the life-or-death-desire for her. Homosexual OCD (hocd) is not the issue. It is a place your thinking brain goes to when you feel the fear more acutely. A fearful brain is indeed, as you put it, “stuck overthinking. Constantly”.

And just as when you were a child you “didn’t explore much or play” because you were fearful, you still can’t explore much or play- because you are still fearful.

Again, hocd is only a place your brain goes to so to distract itself from the fear. The fear is too unbearable. As I type this to you I am very well  aware of my own fear, and my own early desire for my mother. We forget those things, we don’t remember how raw and intense these felt prior to  disassociation.

But we still feel that fear, and underneath there is that desire for  her, to finally know that she will stay with us and love us, take us into her arms, close to her chest, and in that warmth of her chest, to finally feel safe, relaxed; to finally not be afraid anymore.

(We are waiting for that to  happen and after that happens– then we can go explore away from her).

Let me know  of your thoughts and feelings anytime you want to do so, if you do.

anita