Dear Afeels:

There are two separate issues here, in this example:

1. You felt tender toward him, next you feel rage. What to do and not do: do not lash out. Do not continue to touch him because you no longer feel tender toward him. Instead of continuing what you did or just lying there uncomfortably, ask him if he wants tea and go to the kitchen and make it, or tell him that you need to get up and stretch in the living room, then get up and do that, sit alone, away from him, have a little time alone.

Or, if this  happens in the middle  of the night, tell  him that you are going to relax and try to sleep next and have your alone time on your side of the bed.

Do your little talking to him in a calm, ordinary tone of voice  and volume, or very close to it.

2. Once having your alone time as suggested above, bring to your mind’s eye (that is, visualize) your mother’s blank and angry face. No  need to analyze much if any, just bring that visual to your mind. Relax into it, take slow, deep breaths. When the visual disappears, gently bring it back. If you can’t bring it back- don’t.

anita