Peggy/Anita-

Thank you so much for the comments they are appreciated.

I’ll try and organize my thoughts here, but please excuse me if I wander some.

Admittedly I have not been handling this in the healthiest of ways and I know I have been extremely selfish in what I have done, hence why I feel so guilty about the whole affair situation. As for what my wife feels, I am sure she feels all the things mentioned above. She just keeps it bottled up inside and goes on with her day. I understand that people grieve in different ways. But when our son died, I thought ok, we can do this together, you can lean on me and I’ll lean on you and we can heal together. When we had our other children that was exactly what we did, we “suffered” together. Meaning we tag-teamed in night feedings, sickness, diaper changes. All the things that go on with taking care of a newborn. I expected that we would do the same with our loss. So you can imagine how disappointing and heart wrenching it felt when my wife said that she had “moved on” She never leaned on me for any comfort and it felt like I was standing out there on my own. I was supposed to take care of her and it was like she never needed me for that. So coming to grips with that was (is) very hard for me. Along with the fact that our relationship had been on cruise control for a few years, presented a lonely and isolating feeling. I know the affair was not the way to handle any of this, but having the feeling of being loved again was very refreshing and yes I am sure a lot of this has to do with the loss of my son and my need to feel anything to fill the emptiness inside of me. I have been to counseling and it has been a long road, I have only begun to scratch the surface as to what I feel about in losing my son, trying to mend a passionless marriage and also trying to understand why I fell so easily into an affair. I know I am not going to solve these problems here on this forum, but I welcome the insight everyone has shared. I tend to be a pretty open minded individual and I try and look at all perspectives presented.

As for my kids we do allow and encourage them to ask questions as to what happened to my son, we tell them it’s ok to feel sad and cry when we miss someone we love. I don’t think they fully understand as to what happened, but I am hoping as the years go by we get them to understand and hopefully if a situation arises like this in their life, they can handle it better than I have been handling it. Thanks again.