Dear Milo:

Based on your September thread and this thread, I suggest you don’t attend the funeral at all.

I think that your father was a very negative influence on the boy that you were growing up and the relationship with him cannot possibly heal or get better. Such would be a lost cause. So no reason to attend the funeral- no way to heal or fix the bad or non-existing relationships with your father and with the other relatives who are close to your father.

From what you described, your father is not a nice man, not at all. Problem is that as a boy you naturally loved him, all boys love their fathers, no matter the character or lack of, of the father. Fast forward, deep inside you still love him. But this love is not about who he really is, but about his position in your early life- a father, a parent.

Seems like all he ever cared about regarding you is money and prestige, that he didn’t care at all about you other than you completing your degree (and in a year less than how long it took you), that you get a government job, that you return his money to him (although he makes 4 times as much as you make), and that is it, no caring for how you feel, what you need, nothing like that.

“I feel like this entire funeral as a chore and may affect my mental health and also my wallet if I go”- and, if you go, you will not fix anything, you will not make anyone there care for you. Instead you will be reminded once again, that there is no  love for you in the context of your family of origin.

anita