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Dealing with something, That i have never dealt before.

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  • #315963
    Milo
    Participant

    Hello. i’m 28 year old male my grandmother just died today, as soon as i heard the news instead of being consume by grief, i was overwhelmed by fear, as i never had to face this kind of situation before. My relationship with my relatives is not that great, so i haven’t meet my grandmother even when she was in the hospital or when she was sick and now she is dead. Now i have to go face my relatives regardless. The situation that instills fear in me is how do i comfort my father, as he as lost his mother, my relationship with my father is no that great either, he disowned me 4 years back for not getting a government job and i still thinks he despises me. But me and him talk from time to time ,only when the talk is about transfer of funds is from one bank to another, i do care for him in a deep way but, i think i may not be the best person to comfort him in this situation . I have a sister and mother but my father is divorced and my sister lives with my mother, so i’m guessing they are out of the question. Me and my father had lots of fights while we were together and we now live our own separate lives. How do i deal with this should i just say hi and go my own way or should i stick around and help with the funeral arrangements :- an environment where my relatives are highly toxic towards me as i didn’t visit my grandmother when she was sick and dying. I feel like this entire funeral as a chore and may affect my mental health and also my wallet if i go.

    #315987
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Milo:

    Based on your September thread and this thread, I suggest you don’t attend the funeral at all.

    I think that your father was a very negative influence on the boy that you were growing up and the relationship with him cannot possibly heal or get better. Such would be a lost cause. So no reason to attend the funeral- no way to heal or fix the bad or non-existing relationships with your father and with the other relatives who are close to your father.

    From what you described, your father is not a nice man, not at all. Problem is that as a boy you naturally loved him, all boys love their fathers, no matter the character or lack of, of the father. Fast forward, deep inside you still love him. But this love is not about who he really is, but about his position in your early life- a father, a parent.

    Seems like all he ever cared about regarding you is money and prestige, that he didn’t care at all about you other than you completing your degree (and in a year less than how long it took you), that you get a government job, that you return his money to him (although he makes 4 times as much as you make), and that is it, no caring for how you feel, what you need, nothing like that.

    “I feel like this entire funeral as a chore and may affect my mental health and also my wallet if I go”- and, if you go, you will not fix anything, you will not make anyone there care for you. Instead you will be reminded once again, that there is no  love for you in the context of your family of origin.

    anita

    #315995
    talia
    Participant

    Milo,

    I second what Anita said. Though I will add that if for some reason you do decide to go, be sure to implement boundaries between your and your family members. I know you want to be helpful (which to me shows a kindness within you) but that doesn’t mean you should self-sacrifice, even in the seriousness of death. Your father has not been kind to you, so really, what do you owe him?

    I wish you healing and the ability to not feel guilty, as you owe nothing to your family.

    Best,

    Thalia

    #316209
    Milo
    Participant

    I actually attended the funeral today, to my surprise, no one asked me for anything or wanted me to do anything everyone’s mind were in a world of their own, i took some advice from my friend where he told me “try to be social even if you don’t  like it”. I sparked a conversation about my grandmothers food and how she used to address me and everyone. During her burial i was speaking to my father about one of grandmothers dishes , he broke into tears. This was the very first time i ever saw my father cry i hugged him when he was crying . This made me cry aswell some of the relatives started laughing but i didn’t care.

    #316215
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Milo:

    Inside every hardened man there is still that boy who loved his mother. But it doesn’t mean your father is a changed  man, and that he will now love you and treat you better. It just means you had a glimpse of what he used to be.

    A child’s first love is for his (or her) parent or parents. You too love your father, underneath the anger and disappointment in him.

    Do you agree?

    anita

     

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