Katie,

I just wanted to write to you and say, you’re not alone in finding it difficult to make friends. I have struggled with this most of my life. I grew up with a “best friend” who lived in the house next door. We were inseparable in our youth, but eventually she moved away and I have struggled with finding another close girlfriend for decades. For a long time, I thought it was me. I never felt the ease with which some people strike up conversations or the quick wit that allowed them to make everyone laugh.

Then I got older, and wiser, and I realized a few things. First, many of the people I admired were not actually any better at making friends than I, they just lacked the energy to care as much. If I failed to get someone to like me, I saw it as a referendum on ME (my value), whereas they were like, “Meh, plenty of fish in the sea.” They cared less about the outcome, so therefore they were less afraid to venture the risk. I don’t want to say they were superficial, but in some cases they were not seeking deep friendships.

Second, I believe my experience with a childhood “best friend” of 20 years gave me a skewed perception of what adult friendships are like. Some can be deep and lasting, but I will say I have gotten used to the idea that people are meant to pass in and out of our lives. You may connect deeply but for a brief time, or you may learn a lesson from them (some good, some bad) and then you grow and change and sometimes you let go and move on. Be your OWN best friend, you will never have to say goodbye. Love yourself above all others. Look at yourself in the mirror every morning and stop seeing the flaws. Smile at yourself. See the face smiling back at you. Find the one thing you love best about that familiar face and say it out loud. “You have beautiful eyes.”

Last, whenever I start to feel lonely and really get deep in my own head, I force myself to turn my attention outward and zero in on someone I think could use a little love. Feeling unattractive? Pointedly seek out that girl you pass in class every day and tell her you love her shoes. Don’t be insincere, but it’s not hard to find something to compliment. Smile when you say it. I guarantee you she will think you’re the most beautiful person she’s seen all day. Feeling lonely? Buy that old gentleman on the bench a cup of coffee. He’ll be stunned, and you may feel awkward, but I can guarantee you will make his day.

I have come to believe that MY purpose in this life may not BE to have a lot of friends. I used to want to be that person, but fate dealt me a different hand, and I have come to see the beauty INSIDE me. No, not everyone appreciates it. Sometimes I freak people out, but I hope you know that says more about THEIR insecurities than yours.

My daughter’s name is Katie, and she’s about your age. I hope you don’t mind me reaching out to give you the same advice I would have given her. I somehow have a feeling you probably really do have beautiful eyes! 🙂

Hope you have a wonderful weekend!